Do you ever say to yourself, "Why me?" Why is this cross mine to bear? Why couldn't it have been someone else's, or at the very least, couldn't I have been given a different cross? I feel this way quite often about my weight. Why couldn't I have a third nipple or webbed toes or something I could hide? This burden I bear is stuck on my body and everyone can see it. If my weight is down people may think I'm "doing better." If my weight is up then something must be wrong. And often that is indeed the case, but sometimes it isn't.
I remember being in college at Belmont University. I was at my lowest adult weight...just under 200 pounds. I had lost 120 pounds and to anyone who glanced my way, I probably looked pretty normal. I wore a size 14, which I had not been since I was a child. But I was still technically obese and I just couldn't get past that. I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated myself. I hated being obese. I hated that I wasn't a size 6 like my roommate (and that was on a "fat day" for her).
I cannot impress upon you enough how incredibly freakish one can feel when they are fat. It seems that every other minute you see stories on TV and in magazines about the "obesity crisis" and how we are all sure to die from it. It's so disheartening to think that I could lose 150 pounds and still be obese. Obese, not simply overweight. Obese! 150 pounds lighter than I am now! I think at my current weight I am classified as "super morbidly obese." I'm not kidding.
But I'm not looking for sympathy. Really. I'm not. I'm just trying to get some of this "weight" off my chest. The heaviness of the emotions can sometimes outweigh the actual weight itself. You know what the saddest part of being fat is for me? It's so hard for me to enjoy food sometimes. Actually, a lot of the time. I feel guilty about the bread I ate today. I felt so much joy from making my home made whole wheat bread and then the guilt of eating it sets in. I don't drink sodas. Ever. I don't eat fast food. Ever. I feel guilt and remorse for eating freaking whole wheat bread. WHAT THE HELL?! I have to admit that I did eat four slices today, but just FYI, now is not the time for anyone to jump in and tell me that I shouldn't be eating carbs anyway. Don't do it. I'm drawing that boundary. Cross the line at your own risk.
I think what I need to do now is simply focus on feeling better. I know that exercise would make me feel tons better. I'm going to make walking my exercise of choice since it requires no equipment or special doodads. I have built in resistance on hills, so I don't need to carry dumbells or jump around a lot to get a good work out. I guess you could call that an "advantage" of being fat. But seriously, I just wish I could be normal. Don't we all.
Kristie
7 comments:
Kristie, don't be so hard on yourself for the bread! The bread was made with only the best ingredients, with your two God given hands. YOU know everything that went into it. Don't forget to give yourself credit for the goodness that is the bread. Plus just think- It's not tortilla chips. It's not fried dough. It's not a doughnut covered in powdered sugar and stuffed with jelly with sprinkles on top. You're doing a great job, friend
...Oh and, I can totally relate to the "third nipple" thing! haha!
Kristie,
Even if you were in a small body, you would still not be considered normal. Too much talent, intelligence and cuteness to be normal.
"Embrace abnormality... come over to the darkside," says the extremely fat certified aerobics instructor, Melissa. *evil laugh*
Awwww, thank you so much Kellee and Melissa. Melissa, I wish you taught classes here. All of the aerobics classes at my Y are very difficult. They really don't have any beginner classes at all. :(
hi kristie,
i know we haven't met, but i can totally relate. my sister and i both struggle with our weight, and both feel this same way. even when we are at 'healthy' weights and small (for us) sizes, it's hard to still not see ourselves as 'fat'. i am totally there with you!
amie
Kristie,
I wish you were here too... You would make a great addition to my classes. :)
What about a Y with a water aerobics program? Do you have one near you? Water aerobics is VERY fat-friendly and easily modified for the larger body if it is a harder class.
Hugs, Melissa
Kristie,
I just found your blogspot and I find it very inspirational. I'm alot like you but don't have access to things you are doing (like the Y). Keep posting about spinning, I've always wanted to try it. I know you can do it and I can't wait to see both of your transformations.
Love,
Anonymous
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