I spent some time the past couple of days rearranging my landscape by chopping down a tree and removing it's stump. I don't know if you have done this my hand...(and I mean with an axe and a utility bar) but it is an exercise in patience and endurance. FIRST, I had to have some idea of how I was going to chop the tree. It wasn't huge...maybe a couple of feet above my head or so. But still, I had to hit in ONE place for a long time. So, I chose my spot and began hammering (or CHOPPING) away. I kept on and kept on....I got tired...I rested. I chopped more. I kept doing it with no sign of success....just faith that eventually the would be nothing left to tie the tree to the Earth. And, sure enough, the axe made its way through....I really should say axES because it took 3...(2 very weak handle gave out.) But it did come down. And then there was the matter of the stump.
The call it a Utility bar. It is about 7 feet long with a blade end and it is made from really heavy steel. You lift it and plunge it into the ground. This is what I did for quite some time. Plunge and wedge. Hearing small roots tear-- muffled by the ground. Sweeping away dirt to expose a larger roots. Cut the root in half but plunging the blade into it. Over and over and over again....with no real sign of success. I remember saying to myself.."you are going to come out". I had a resolve. It sounds silly....it is a stump in my yard...not hurting anything and I am only going through this because I want it gone. BUT, I learned a lot from this miniature test of will. I learned that results come...but the ATTACHMENTS to results turn us away from the desired outcome. Had I stopped when I thought it "wasn't working" the stump would remain. The tree would not have fallen....the shade would still be there depriving sunlight from plants I have in my mind's eye....grapes...blueberries...who knows what else..and my vision would be shaped by what I thought I couldn't achieve.
But instead...I plunged the steel bar into the roots...over and over...sweating and exhausted until...it was over. The roots gave way and I was left with a blank spot with which to build my vision...all in my little yard in Inglewood.
It is not hard to draw the parallel to weight loss. Results are mostly a trap. I say this, because it is all too easy to turn around, to give up, and let the scale determine our vision, our actualization of ourselves. When I was really feeling tired, I had to concentrate on lifting the bar then letting it fall....that's all I could do. I had momentarily stopped caring about the stump and was just doing the exercise. I really do want to lose all of my excess weight...but thinking about it all the time...usually in a panic...ties me down to a life that has no forward movement. I soon become a prisoner to my shortcomings....my failure.. The person I am, the one so many of you have seen, fades away and I am left with--- disappointment. I have been too focused on winning or losing. I need to focus on my life...as it is today. Exercise is part of this life....good nutrition (with looooooots of vegetables and vegetarian foods (as well as some meats) are part of this life. Community...part of it as well. This is like lifting the bar and dropping it into the ground. This is the way. The ends do not matter...the means do. It is a place I never really understood...losing weight was always about finally showing everyone that I was worth something.... By getting "cute" (a damned near impossible category in which to be counted when you felt the way I did. On and on the search for "arrival" continues...but it never dawned on me that the way you GET there...IS THE POINT OF ARRIVAL.
Well...like I said...it's late...and this may have made no sense at all....but it does to me at the moment...haha
Thank you so for reading!
Roy
