Downhill Sledding, and Eintstien's Red Shift.

The great blizzard of '10. I went sledding.

There I was, on this little wooden sled...one push with my arms..and off I went. At first, it seemed like it was going to be easy enough. Just stay on...keep going straight..try not to do too much wriggling about. Then, it started to get little faster--well, a LOT faster. Equipped with no brake, I had no choice but to try to use my toes. I planted them and drug them to TRY and slow the sled. They began to burn so I had to just face it...I was going to go well over 100 mph. I felt like I was going become a statistic of wave mechanics. As I approached the bottom of the hill, I felt my self start to turn and then I went right into some one's yard. As this was happening, I had time to think. "I am going to crash." "This is going to hurt." "I hope I don't die...that would be embarrassing." When I finally stopped rolling, I realized I was not permanently maimed, so I went up the other side of the hill to do it again. "OK", I thought. "THIS time I am not going to turn so much." "I am really going to trust it." I went again..same process as last time. I start..it goes fast..then REALLY FREAKIN FAST. I am not panicking. I notice that there are a few people walking. I have the thought "Roy, don't hit those people ok?" Now what you have to understand is that those people...were off the road walking in the snow. The road? A large 2 lane thoroughfare. So it's not like we were crowded out there. But, I kept focusing on the people and not wanting to kill anyone. "Please don't hit em" "You are getting closer...be sure and turn away." "Whatever you do, do NOT hit that girl" "Did you hear me?? DO YOU SEE HER?" At that point, because of my focus, I know I am going hit a person. I started yelling..."SLED...WATCH OUT SLED...HEY MOVE-- LOOK OUT...SLED." She jumped like she was on the Matrix, and I ditched into the road itself. I said, "I am glad I didn't kill ya. This is my first time." They didn't laugh much.

This brings me to my point. Focus. It seems to me, that anytime I focus on something, I get closer to it. Without being specific, I fall victim to past habits. I think I have some level of this happening now. I have no real plan for food..nothing I am trying to do specifically. I will not do a "program" or try to follow someone else's idea of what works for them. People become dogmatic about their own "way." However, what I WILL do is follow a daily plan that includes lots of veggies and lots of water. Where I am running into trouble-- there have been sweets and I have eaten them. There has been booze..I drank it. So, I don't have a substitute to intervene when the "snackies" come. But overall, my focus has been exercise, the above mentioned 2 gallons of water and 1 lb of veggies a day. This has gotten me closer to my goal but I have temporarily lost some focus.
I have this mini-goal of getting below 300 lbs. Everytime I get close, it seems that I start sabotaging myself. I think that part of me is scared to know what life is like..without something to hide behind. What if I lose my weight and I am---ugly---not as funny--an asshole--nothing left to accomplish---not special anymore----not as strong. What do I have to gain by losing?...I don't know. I never have. So, it makes sense why I fear it. It is a huge unknown. But, I am willing to risk it. I want to know what it is like. I want to know who I am. There is a large part of me that does not even know who I am or what I look like or how I would act without this extra weight. It is much larger than losing a few lbs. It is losing who I was in a way..losing a life long friend..even though the friend was toxic.

How is it going for you all? Not eating out is changing my life. Have you noticed any changes (those of you who are eating out less) Ok. I will sign off now. Thank you for you support!

Roy

uuuggg..

Today I wanted to eat out so bad that I thought I was not going to make it. I had a hard day at work..very hard. I felt embarrassed and didn't know how to handle it. I will keep this about eating and my relationship with food so as not to wear you dear readers with heavy details.
All I could think about was pizza or Mexican food or both. I just wanted something fatty and decadent because I wanted these feelings to go away. I just needed to feel competent again and somehow cheese makes me smarter. Don't worry..I didn't eat out. Instead, I came home, got a hug, lied down, and am taking a mini vacation from music for the next couple of days.
Tomorrow's plan is a Nikoletta class in the morning (barring the blizzard of '10) Bfast, Chili for lunch, maybe a naked pasta..or chicken curry that I made (I was slightly grossed out by it so that might be a bust). I keep hoping that weight will magically fall off of me at an alarming rate but it seems slow. I am down a pants size now and smaller than I have been since 2000, but still I feel as though it is a hopeless amount to lose and I will never really get there. But, that could be because of my general mood right now.
I will leave you with one funny thing...I was at the post office and the guy asked me if I wanted next day or first class for my package. I looked thoughtfully toward the ceiling and said, "...hmm how much is courier pigeon or wagon train?"
He said.."umm we don't do that."
nice.

goodnight!

Roy

Put Your Mind To It

Ok. We are 26 days in and all is well. There have been a few challenges (i.e. the O-land hotel debacle) but all in all...not too bad. Really. I thought by this time I would be sneaking fast food out of dumpsters and stealing the children's happy meals, but I'm cool. Today's plan is the usual b-fast, gumbo and 1 lb. of veggies for lunch, maybe gumbo or seitan tacos for dinner. I am basically not restricting anything on my diet but I am eating 1 lb. of veggies and drinking 2 gallons of water every day...because I am crazy. Lock up your veggies and gallons of water..oh and your liquor..just in case.
My mom used to have a saying. She would say "you can do anything you put your mind to." I always wondered what that meant exactly. How do you "put" your mind to something. Well, I think there are a lot of elements to it. If you start at the vision of where you want to be and work backwards (physically and emotionally) you start to get a good feel of what is required and what level of determination you will need. This would go for any accomplishment but in my case it is related to food and and exercise.
As you know, I decided not to eat out for a year (damn.) And I go to these rigorous exercise classes every morning. Here is the process of "putting your mind to it" as I see it.

1. A belief that you CAN

This is first stumbling block for most of us. Frankly, the journey can easily end here. Which is why it is not really my first step. I am sorry to mislead you (don't be mad).

(the real) #1. Be willing to fail

This is difficult but what do you really lose? I mean really? Coolness? Is that it? For me, failing is mortifying. BUT the willingness to fail unlocks the inner resources that I need to overcome the feeling of "I can't". Saying, "I might not be able to do it, but I am going to try" gets me to the game. Once I am in the game, (i.e. going to the gym or eating in --whatever it is for you) I am not going to fail. I am just not. I know that I will not fail...but I DIDN'T until I tried. I tried because I was willing to fail.

2. Keep things simple.

Our minds are amazing. They truly, truly are. The amount of information we can process is overwhelming. BUT, in my experience, it doesn't work well with negatives. (I.e. Don't eat this...don't do that) MY mind works best with the command DO. And I can only DO a few things. For example, I will add a pound of veggies and 2 gallons of water to my everyday diet. Now, this doesn't mean I am eating crappy..on the contrary, I am eating very healthfully...but I know better than to change too much at once.

3. Be creative and fun!

For me, this means doing something crazy. Walking into a Zumba class full of women and I am the only guy dancing about and doing some feminine looking things makes me laugh. I am sitting here thinking of this past summer and my thought: "I think I will go to Zumba today". It brings me great joy. If cooking is a creative venture then maybe that's your thing. For me, it is anything. I can make anything fun.

4. Accept encouragement

Seems like this would be easy but how many times have you heard some deflect a compliment? "You did a great job today"... "gettin' there" "aahh thanks" or my favorite.."I need to go to the hospital" All of these are comfy replacements for "Thank you". When we accept the encouragement of others we stand in contradiction to the voices that defeat us. It is scary to do so because we are comfortable being controlled by them...they are familiar. Like our drunk uncle...you DO have one of those right?...oh god...just me?

5. Be open and honest about
you fears and triumphs

When we tell someone what we are afraid of-- it loosens. Fears do NOT like the light of day. They hate it. Now I want to be clear that telling someone about what we fear and living the drama of the fear are DIFFERENT. The former helps...the latter does not. Triumphs or noticing your own progress and sharing is a way to self- encourage. It also helps us to be there for others.


Remember how I faked you out earlier with the "A belief that you CAN?" Well, that should go here.
This list is by no means definitive. Nor is it complete..even for me. These are elements of "putting your mind to it". It relates to my fitness goals but I have used these same elements to become a more mature musician and person. I think that they are universal. If you find them helpful, please use them. If not, disregard and find YOUR path on YOUR terms. Another saying my mom had was "It's your life Roy, you will have to live it." I plan to do exactly that Momma.



Roy

Is it possible to eat a pound of vegetables in one sitting?

Roy decided to eat a pound of vegetables at lunch today.  He actually took out the scale and weighed them.  He didn't add any dressing to the salad until he had 16 ounces of vegetable love in his bowl.  He is so amazing!  Here are pictures to prove that it can be done.

Stage 1: Bowl filled with vegetables including carrots, peppers, greens and other things he turned up in the refrigerator.

Stage 2: He's gettin' full, but is determined to press on.  I've never seen anyone chew this much at one meal!

 

Stage 3:  The bowl is empty.  I'm so impressed.  I would have gagged ten times trying to get a pound of raw carrots and greens down my gullet.  But how is Roy?  Did he survive?

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

XOXO,

Kristie

What I've been cooking lately.

Roy and I have made it 25 days without eating in a restaurant.  Yeehaw!  If you had told me a month ago that we would be abstaining from restaurants for a year, I'd have said you were crazy!  But it is working out and I am loving it.  One thing I wanted to do was learn to make a perfectly light and fluffy biscuit.  I had three, yes three, different biscuit-makers show me their methods.  I pulled some ideas from each and created these light and delicious pull-apart biscuits. The key to light biscuits, in my opinion, is to keep your dough pretty wet and to use and ice cream scoop to put them in the skillet or pan.  Rolling them out can make them tough if you're not super careful.

Today I attempted to make a sweet potato pie since we got a truck load of sweet potatoes in our last CSA delivery.  It was not pretty, folks.  Let's just say that crust-making is not my forte.  And since I'm too lazy to go to the grocery store to buy a crust, I made a sweet potato cake with a maple rum glaze instead!  We are going to a friend's home this evening for gumbo and I thought it would be a nice dessert to take along.  I added pecans to the glaze thinking it would be super cool, but it looks a little like someone vomited on the cake.  Whatever.

Finally, I wanted to show off my seitan tacos.  Every time I venture back into vegetarian and vegan cooking I am amazed by what delicious food you can create with plant-based food ONLY.  These tacos were delicious and 100% meat-free.  I'll post recipes someday soon, but now I'm off to study ocular motility.  I know you're jealous.




XOXO,
Kristie

Simple day ahead

Hi! I had a good day with friends and plenty of food! I enjoyed seeing everyone and I got to hold a baby and play with two other little girls and it all made me want to be a dad. I hope one day that we can have a baby too.
A word about my entries...I am pretty happy. Really. But (though it is daunting) I feel it necessary to share my feelings and what I believe has lead me to my current set of decisions. I just don't want you reading it thinking that I am a big downer or something. ha
Simple plan tomorrow...workout, breakfast, warm-up, gig at a school, lunch, Ugly Mugs to write my FACE OFF...(working on some exciting new things.) Then, we are having dinner with friends...Holly and Robert...he is making gumbo and is quite a talented cook!!! So, there ya have it.
Food plan is the usual bfast, huge salad for lunch with some meat on it (I am trying to eat 1 lb. of veggies a day...it's sort of a game) Dinner...gumbo. I am feeling smaller and stronger. I have hope but I have to admit..I am losing some steam with the gym. All the classes I take are awesome but I am feeling less motivated..I guess I'm just tired.

Thank you!

Roy

Too tired to blog...

So tired.  Must nap.  Just wanted to let everyone know that I am still here.

XOXO,
Kristie

CHANGE

Historically, I have not relished change. I often will hold onto something (be it a situation or possession) until it becomes toxic. I mean it can be terrible and I want to hang on because...well...it's mine. This might be a pile of shit...but it is my pile of shit. I mention this because I was thinking of all the changes I have undergone in the past year. As I look back to a year ago, it's a very different life. Where I felt terror...I would avoid...and eat out. Like a buddy or a band aid, it was always there waiting to greet me...well band-aides don't greet because they don't speak English...or any language...oh god this is awkward. I digress..It seems to me that I have held onto my weight in much the same way. I think I have outgrown it. But what does life look like without it? I have no idea. None. Never been without it. It pains me to write these words because I feel like I am admitting that I am fat. Like you didn't notice (and wouldn't had I not said anything.) So many feelings go through me...like I'm ugly. Or slow. Or unlovable...as strange as the last one sounds...it's true. These are not uncommon feelings to someone who has struggled with body esteem. (Good news ladies! Men do it too!)
Well, what if my weight was just another thing I needed to release? It always annoyed me to hear that word...release. It is so overused in our pop culture that I immediately see Oprah's "knowing" nod and I feel a little nauseous. But...what if that was the case? Well, I think that it is. Let's just look at the pros shall we?

How weight has benefited me
by Roy Agee

1. Makes you funny. Strap on an extra 100 and it's a laugh riot.
2. Teaches compassion. I am hyper aware of other's feelings.
I am actually thankful for that one.
3. Gives you something to "overcome."
(almost built in drama...perfect for the egomaniac in me)
4. hmmm let me get back to ya

Now let's look at what it costs. I won't mention health...that's too easy. I am just gonna talk about MY feelings and life...

How weight has limited me
by Roy Agee...again.

1. Isolation. Feeling afraid of people.
2. Living with anger and resentment.
3. Never feeling handsome.
4. Feeling invisible...needing to disappear and yet longing to be seen.
5. People call you Big Guy..Big Fella...Or Big 'un.

You get the idea. As I started this not eating about thing I have discovered that it is much larger than just saving some bucks. It is a way of life that is foreign to me. In a way, it is my first venture into life. Instead of hiding behind food that hurts me, I am here amongst you. I must say, the decision has been well received. I have never felt more connected and better than I do right now.

Well...tomorrow's plan is a VEGAN BRUNCH hosted by Shalene and Jason Gray. Shalene is a great vegan cook and Jason has a multitude of talents. Other talented folks will be sharing their food with us tomorrow also. Lunch is COVERED. Dinner with my people that evening...WON. DER. FUL!!!! So I am cool. Thank God...another day safe from the business of food.

Good to talk to you...see you later.

Roy

A Behemoth Hotel WITH NO MICROWAVE?!?!?!

I won't name names...but it starts with Opry and ends with Land. I took my lunch yesterday and thought that I would heat it in a microwave. BWAHAHAHAHHAHA!!! nope. Well, I did...but it was not easy. I walked. A Lot. A WHOLE lot. On my break for lunch, I was going to eat what I brought with me so I could stay on this INCREASINGLY RIDICULOUS plan. At first I thought, "I will go home and eat my lunch." I mentioned this plan to the contractor and I think she must have misheard me. I think she thought I said "on the lunch break I am going to stomp puppies and start a coup" She looked at me with horror and asked ..."Why would you leave???" I said..."To eat" Well, that's when I decided it would be "easier" to just microwave my lunch there.
One thing you have to understand about this hotel is---it could be a city. Really. It. is. humongo. So I start walking...and walking. I ask the first person I see in uniform. "Is there a microwave nearby?" The guy looks thoughtfully toward the sky as if he is waiting on word from our Lord and Saviour. He says "I don't think so, but ask anyone you see in uniform and they will help you. There are bound to be some near here". Well....that's what I thought Timmy.
Into the giant lobby I venture..ask another employee...he says "Have nice day" and smiles. uh-oh. Increasingly frustrated, I just started saying the word microwave into crowds of people. Then I start asking every coffee stand and mini cafe in the place. All of them say no. I finally find a place that will do it. A sweet Colombian woman said she would. And she did! I asked her to microwave my potato and it puzzled her...she had never done it. After she did, I said "They are really good like that" She said, "I will try tonight at home" That is what you call a win-win. So I had my lunch despite it all.
My plan for tomorrow is breakfast, lunch is unknown (I have to fix that) and dinner hinges on lunch (leftovers) I am hoping to make Chicken Curry...I have to look up a recipe.

Once again thank you for reading!

And a special thank you to Sara Plambeck for letting me know about tonight's class. It was great and so nice to meet her daughter! (I like to make her laugh)


Roy

Speaking of perfectionism...

I feel sooooooooooooooooooooo guilty.  I basically had two suppers tonight.  When I came home from school around 4pm I was really, REALLY hungry.  I had had oatmeal for breakfast and a chicken salad sandwich for lunch with an apple and some pretzels.  For some reason this did not hold me.  I came home and immediately opened a can of soup and ate that with two pieces of bread.  Then Roy made spaghetti, so two hours later I was eating that even though I wasn't hungry at all.  Waaaaah!  Now I'm super full and feeling bad about what I ate.  Why can't I just let it go?

Kristie

Perfectionism and Momma's Spaghetti

Mornin! Last night got a little difficult. I played a big band gig and I had fun BUT I cracked a few notes and then the spiral began. The comparisons and voices of fear and the "HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU?" monster appeared. I am transparent about this only because I am aware that this thinking isn't really me...but it feels so real when it is happening. I make a mistake and the voices start up, then fun disappears, and then before I know it...I want french fries. Where did I learn to make this leap? And WHY am I so hard on myself? This is the dance of perfectionism. When I strive to be the best version of myself (and I work to be exactly that) I must remember that mistakes come with it. Learning comes with it. There is NO arrival point in which I am immune to error. Having said that, my body and mind react to mistakes in a destructive manner. I wear the misguided fear on my body. Play out of tune?...have a bagel. Recital not go the way you wanted? Big Macs make it better. I remember my senior recital and disappointment....me and my friend Mark went to McDonald's and ate big macs. And yes, I was still disappointed in myself...but I was also numb to it. There is a reason I did that...it worked...for a while. Therein lies my life long struggle and emotional need for restaurant food. Last night, a familiar feeling came over me to eat out. Because that's not an option, I didn't. Instead I noticed the process in a much clearer frame of mind. So here I am...volunteering for pain. Neat huh? BUT I find that I am strong enough to handle it. Whether it be misplaced self-criticism or feeling like I want to give up in a Zumba class (like I did this morning) I will handle it.
I digress. Tonight I am making my Momma's spaghetti. It is sort of a casserole rather than a pasta dish, but it always reminds me of her. It isn't low fat per se but it is delicious AND I hope to have leftovers to take to an all day gig tomorrow (I have to have lunch and dinner prepared).  It is ground beef, onions, green pepper, garlic powder, and Kraft "cheese product". Oh and Prego sauce...yeah it's my mom's country version of Italian. I would always ask her to make it on my birthday. She taught me how to make it a few months before she died...then she gave me her rolling pin and said "I won't be needing this anymore" Her acceptance of death was times --- comical. ANYWAY, I am making that dish tonight!
I am noticing new parts of my body emerging. My arms continue to change and my legs also have changed a good bit (thanx to Sara, Jen, Patty, and Nikole) And my BUTT IS TO DIE FOR. omg...did I say that? I'm sorry...I am probably needing carbs. But seriously, my body is responding to this process of eating at home and exercise everyday.

Well...I suppose I sign off and have a nice lean filet for lunch...(I made it a few days ago).

Thank you for reading and for your support.

Don't be shy....let me hear from you. How is it going for you?

Roy

What do you do when you run out of meat? Eat veggies!

The only meat we purchase is from a local farm called Peaceful Pastures.  All of their animals are free range and they eat only what they were meant to eat.  Cows eat grass, not corn, for example.  We receive 22 pounds of meat each month that we split with our friends Barry and Shelean.  That's 11 pounds of meat each month per couple.  Since we have never eaten in as much as we are now, we have never run out of meat before the next delivery.  But we are almost out.  We are down to two goat chops and a chub of ground beef.  The next delivery is February 3rd.  So the question is, what do we do now?  Do we go to Kroger and buy factory farmed meat?  Uh, no.  Do we go to Whole Foods and buy meat that we hope is humanely raised, but aren't quite sure?  Better, but not the best option either.  I proposed to Roy tonight that when we run out of CSA meat, we eat vegetarian for the rest of the month and he is on board.  We break out the tofu, tempeh and nutritional yeast to meet our protein needs and fill in the rest of our diet with beans, whole grains, vegetables and fruits.  I wonder what my grandma would have done to feed her family if meat had not been available to her.  I know that tofu and tempeh would not have been on the menu.  But beans?  Most definitely.  Home canned veggies?  Yes.  Rice, barley and other grains?  Hell yeah!  Mom, if you are reading this, did you ever run out of meat?  If so, what did you all eat back on the farm?

Kristie 

The Dawn Of Day Nineteen.

Well, day 19 here I come! I have gone to the gym at least 6 days a week and eaten at home everyday for every meal. This is what I have noticed:

A growing sense of well-being
Financial health (we have way more money than usual)
Weight loss and an increase in overall strength
I actually hear people when they are speaking to me

Having a plan is crucial. Gone are the days when I would just "get something out". Since eating out isn't an option...planning is part of my daily routine. Tomorrow is the usual breakfast, roast for lunch and chicken chili or a filet for dinner. You see? That's not too bad.
I understand we have some people following along with us! This makes me quite happy! What have you noticed in your life?
I will keep it short tonight, but I want to thank all the people who support me and believe in me along the way. I have an amazing group of YMCA friends. Also, Ugly Mugs (local coffee establishment) has provided me with a strong sense of community that fills my life in a way that the restaurant experience never could.
So--- Thank You Very Much!

On the weight loss side of the coin...next stop for me is the MAJOR milestone of entering the 200's. I will let you know when I reach it.

Happy travels.

P.S. Would any of you want to make a meal together sometime?

Roy

One Little Birdie = Lots Of Food

You know, when you cook like your grandma you can make a lot of food with a little bit of resources.  I had a chicken from our Peaceful Pastures CSA and she was a little birdie, probably only 2 pounds.  But with that one little bird, I made a big pot of chicken chili, a pint of chicken salad and three quarts of chicken stock that will come in handy later.  When I first began this project, I felt guilty about cooking meat, eating meat and even posting about cooking and eating meat.  But I do believe in the circle of life.  Animals eat other animals.  My cat would no sooner eat a carrot than they would a piece of Styrofoam.  I know, I know, we're not cats and we certainly don't need for our diets to be 100% meat.  In fact, many people get on just fine with no animal products in their diets at all (Go vegans!).

But for me, right now, this feels good.  It feels good to buy a humanely-raised chicken and bless it as I cook it.  I thank it for giving its life to nourish me and the people I love.  No part of that chicken went to waste.  I used every piece of meat and then used the bones to make stock.  I still avoid all factory farmed meat, eggs and dairy and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  There is absolutely no excuse for the way the majority of our meats are raised.  I am sure that my grandma would not approve.  She had such a kind, gentle heart.  I wish that I had gotten to know her better.  I wish that I had let myself really learn from her.  But I feel so connected to her by cooking this way...everything from scratch, nothing wasted and a generous portion of love in every bite.  It feels great!

Kristie

The fried chicken diet!

So with our new eating plan, and by eating plan I mean eating three meals a day home cooked at HOME, we are experimenting with lots of new foods that we have never made before. Last night we had a few friends over and made fried chicken from my grandma's recipe. I'll post the recipe later on my "Eat Like Your Grandma" blog. It was wonderfully delicious and the company was fantastic. It was so much more satisfying than eating fried chicken from a restaurant. After all, at a restaurant you usually have absolutely no idea where your food is coming from. Also, you have no idea how long their ingredients (especially the oil) has been sitting around. Our meal was fresh and made with love, so I have no guilt about eating it.

Now, on to my even bigger news. Since we began this project I have been weighing myself every morning. Now, I know this is somewhat controversial and there are many, many different ideas out there about when and how often one should weigh themselves. But the point of this blog is to prove that you can maintain or even lose weight by eating anything you want, as long as it is home cooked from scratch, even fried chicken.

Since I started eating this way, I have lost a minimum of .2(two tenths) of a pound every day. This morning I was down .6 lbs. That means I lost over half a pound between yesterday and today even after a meal of fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, green beans and rolls. And that was without exercise. Roy is exercising a lot and is losing weight much more quickly. I'm feeling pretty sure that at the end of this year Roy and I will have lost mucho weight. We shall see. It will also be interesting to see the effect this way of eating has on our cholesterol, blood pressure, etc.

I am off to do some cooking for the week. I am making chicken chili, no-knead bread,oatmeal and beans with cornbread. All of this will be supplemented with veggies from our CSAs. Rock on!

Kristie

FRIED CHICKEN

A quick post tonight. Our friends came over and we made fried chicken. It was GREAT...I was quite happy. I also made a nice lean steak covered with the rest of the mole sauce. I need leftovers from both dishes tomorrow as I will be gone all day and need to be prepared. I also did Nikole's sports conditioning class yesterday at 5:30. Very difficult but I did it! She was so encouraging and it felt good to get through it. That's all for now friends...I am gonna sleep so I can get up early and face another day.

Oh, I almost forgot...Jan. 1...I weighed 323. This morning (Jan. 15th) I weighed 315. This has happened with exercise and the cessation of restaurant eating. Nothing else. In other words, it is not strict dieting...just an active role in the preparation of my own food. I will start posting pictures from this experiment soon as well.

Goodnight!

Roy

Joining The Human Race

Good afternoon dear readers! I have had a great day thus far...5:30 a.m. spin class with Jan. She pretty much rocks my face. I came home and slept some. I practiced, wrote music, and had leftover Chicken Mole...which BTW was a HUMONGO SUCESS. It was spicy but not too much and it tasted soooo good!!! I was very happy (it could have been a bloody disaster). Lots of work but it kept me safe from eating out. For those of you who want to try it, here is the recipe:

Chicken Mole

Ingredients:

3 small dried pasilla chilies, toasted, seeded, deveined and rinse

3 small dried mulato chilies, toasted, seeded, deveined and rinsed

1-1/2 cups boiling water

1/4 cup sesame seeds

3 whole cloves

1 piece cinnamon stick (about 1 inch)

1/4 teaspoon whole coriander seeds

1/8 teaspoon anise seeds

1/4 cup vegetable oil

1/4 cup whole unblanched almonds

1/4 cup raisins

6 whole chicken legs, thighs attached (about 3 pounds)

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup coarsely chopped white onion

2 cloves garlic

1 tablespoon tomato paste

1-1/2 ounces Mexican chocolate, coarsely chopped

1 cup chicken broth

Tomato wedges and cilantro sprigs for garnish

Preparation:

1. Place pasilla and mulato chilies in medium bowl; cover with boiling water. Let stand 1 hour.

2. Toast sesame seeds in dry, heavy skillet over medium heat 2 minutes or until golden, stirring frequently. Remove from skillet. Combine cloves, cinnamon stick, coriander seeds and anise seeds in skillet; toast over medium heat 20 to 30 seconds until they start to change color and become fragrant, stirring frequently. Remove from skillet.

3.Heat oil in 12-inch skillet over medium heat until hot. Add almonds. Cook and stir 2 to 3 minutes until brown. Remove with slotted spoon; drain on paper towels. Add raisins. Cook and stir 30 seconds or until puffed. Remove with slotted spoon.

4.Sprinkle chicken with salt. Cook in same skillet over medium heat 10 minutes or until browned, turning once. Remove to plate. Remove all but 2 tablespoons oil from skillet.

5.Place raisins in blender; process until finely ground. Coarsely chop almonds; add to blender. Process until finely ground. Add onion and garlic to blender; process until finely ground.

6.Process 2 tablespoons sesame seeds with on/off pulses in electric spice grinder to fine powder. Add to blender. Process clove mixture in grinder to fine powder; add to blender.

7.Add chilies, 1/3 cup of the soaking water and the tomato paste to blender; process until smooth. If mixture is too thick, add just enough of the remaining soaking water, 1 teaspoon at a time, until blender blade can spin. Discard remaining soaking water.

8.Reheat oil in skillet over medium heat until hot. Reduce heat to medium-low. Add chili mixture. Cook and stir 5 minutes. Add chocolate; cook and stir 2 minutes or until melted. Gradually stir in broth. Cook and stir 5 minutes.

9.Return chicken to skillet. Reduce heat to low. Cover and simmer 45 minutes or until chicken is tender and juices run clear, turning chicken occasionally. Sprinkle remaining sesame seeds over chicken just before serving. Garnish, if desired. Serve with Green Rice Pilaf.

There ya go!

This morning I did a spin class (as I mentioned) and then watched a bit of a sports training class. Nikole teaches it at the Y. It looked like it was MAJORLY hard. I want to do it, but I am afraid that I would just plain not be able to do it. I never want to draw attention to myself regarding my size or fitness level and I can just see me sitting there while everyone else goes right through it. It is amazing how being overweight my whole life has made me want to be invisible and yet long to be seen. When I put it like that, I can see clearly how controlling it is. It is almost like someone outside of myself wants me to keep from really living a life. As it turns out, people (whom I have feared) offer hope and strength. I call my process... joining the human race. Stop trying to be special, covering a feeling of being inadequate. Stop being mad at everyone, sheltered behind humor. Living openly with the realization that I am no different than anyone else. My body, my mind, my spirit...all of it responds like other people. From the new tricep muscles in my arms, to the feeling of well-being in my brain...all the way to the feeling of belonging in my consciousness. ALL of it is like any one of you.

BLAH BLAH so, I may go do the 5:30 p.m. class in 2 hours. Just to face the fear of it. Nikole reached out to me on Facebook and I appreciate it. Let's just see what happens shall we? I will let you know.

wish i hadn't had those corndogs.
just kidding.

Roy

MOLE

Hey everybody! So far so good. It has been thirteen days and I haven't eaten out. Hoorah. This is definitely the longest stretch I can remember.

Today's plan is to have breakfast, lunch (soup) and for dinner...homemade Chicken Mole! This is an EVENT. It's not easy to make...first I have to boil a chicken...(not too bad). But it's the mole sauce that's the real pain. Lots of different kinds of chiles and chocolate and what not. Last time I made it, I slaved and slaved-- FINALLY got it into a blender and was almost done when I removed the blender from the stand and COVERED the kitchen in a cocoa flood. Our dishwasher is still an "off white" because of that fiasco. Anyway, mole it is.

I have noticed that the financial fear in my life is significantly reduced because I am not eating (literally) through my checking account. I have money...and it's slow. And I need money. And work. Soon. Hah! But really, it feels like I am my ally rather than enemy and that is a good feeling.

Weight. Just saying the word makes my stomach tighten with anxiety. It is a word that has been used against me soooo much, usually at my own hands. I think a lot of my weight is an outward representation of hiding. Hiding from people, afraid that they will hurt me. Hiding from challenges and opportunities, fearing that I will fail. Hiding from love...afraid that I couldn't face it...I still don't really get that one...but hey, addictions aren't known for their logic. Every time someone said something dumb, instead of confronting...I ate. A lot. Every time I was asked to do something that was on the edge of what I considered to be my abilities...yup...I ate. So, I notice that I have feelings that have never really been expressed. Well, here's to growth...as miserable as it is. Hah! I had therapist once say to me..."You can have the known misery, or the miserable unknown." What he meant was, I can stay unfulfilled and unhappy or I can face the miserable feeling of the unknown, upon which (of course) I tend to project catastrophe. "What if it all flies apart?" "I will be homeless" and it usually ends with.."..and I will die." I never a considered the good things that could (and indeed DID) happen. Not until I moved toward the voice that said "you'll never make it."

Well, I suppose I will sign off and get my day started. Moving toward the terror and willing to fail, I will boil my chicken and make my sauce. I will play my trombone and write. I will exercise and interact with the rest of the world. (Cue: "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory"). Once again thank you all for reading, responding, and your much appreciated support.

Roy

Good morning sunshine!

You don't mind if I call you sunshine do you? It's just that I think you are vibrant and...well...stunning.  OK! So today's blog is short and sweet. My health plan today is...have an apple...Zumba 9:30-10:30 at the East Y, usual breakfast (minus one piece of bread) sandwich and bean and rice salad for lunch, homemade veggie beef soup for dinner. BOOM. Thank you all for your kind words and support.

Why me?

Do you ever say to yourself, "Why me?"  Why is this cross mine to bear?  Why couldn't it have been someone else's, or at the very least, couldn't I have been given a different cross?  I feel this way quite often about my weight.  Why couldn't I have a third nipple or webbed toes or something I could hide?  This burden I bear is stuck on my body and everyone can see it.  If my weight is down people may think I'm "doing better."  If my weight is up then something must be wrong.  And often that is indeed the case, but sometimes it isn't. 

I remember being in college at Belmont University.  I was at my lowest adult weight...just under 200 pounds.  I had lost 120 pounds and to anyone who glanced my way, I probably looked pretty normal.  I wore a size 14, which I had not been since I was a child.  But I was still technically obese and I just couldn't get past that.  I looked at myself in the mirror and I hated myself.  I hated being obese.  I hated that I wasn't a size 6 like my roommate (and that was on a "fat day" for her).

I cannot impress upon you enough how incredibly freakish one can feel when they are fat.  It seems that every other minute you see stories on TV and in magazines about the "obesity crisis" and how we are all sure to die from it.  It's so disheartening to think that I could lose 150 pounds and still be obese.  Obese, not simply overweight.  Obese!  150 pounds lighter than I am now!  I think at my current weight I am classified as "super morbidly obese."  I'm not kidding. 

But I'm not looking for sympathy.  Really.  I'm not.  I'm just trying to get some of this "weight" off my chest.  The heaviness of the emotions can sometimes outweigh the actual weight itself.  You know what the saddest part of being fat is for me?  It's so hard for me to enjoy food sometimes.  Actually, a lot of the time.  I feel guilty about the bread I ate today.  I felt so much joy from making my home made whole wheat bread and then the guilt of eating it sets in.  I don't drink sodas.  Ever.  I don't eat fast food.  Ever.  I feel guilt and remorse for eating freaking whole wheat bread.  WHAT THE HELL?!  I have to admit that I did eat four slices today, but just FYI, now is not the time for anyone to jump in and tell me that I shouldn't be eating carbs anyway.  Don't do it.  I'm drawing that boundary.  Cross the line at your own risk.

I think what I need to do now is simply focus on feeling better.  I know that exercise would make me feel tons better.  I'm going to make walking my exercise of choice since it requires no equipment or special doodads. I have built in resistance on hills, so I don't need to carry dumbells or jump around a lot to get a good work out.  I guess you could call that an "advantage" of being fat.  But seriously, I just wish I could be normal.  Don't we all.

Kristie

Trip down amnesia lane.

I have heard 'em all my life. The "size-specific" greeting. You know the ones..."Hey there BIG GUY." "Big Boss Man," "BIG Roy." I know I am not supposed to take offense, but stop it...really. I think I may start responding with counter nicknames like "Lil' Muffin" or "Captain Lame." I don't want to have to do that...but I will.

Ok, lets take a look back. March of 2004...we are newlyweds and we are going to go to Mexico for our honeymoon. Always the type that wants to experience something "real," we opted to skip Cancun and go to a lesser known resort some 15 miles away. We kept passing one beautiful resort after another. All of them had front gates that looked like set design for Falcon Crest (You babies out there..Google it.) When we arrived at OUR "resort," I noticed that in lieu of a front gate, ours had a yellow nylon rope. Undoubtedly, purchased at the Wal-Mart and few yards up the road....damn. The Honeymoon goes along well for a couple of days...snorkeling and even riding the dolphins. (Fun, except my dolphins bailed out on me because I was too heavy...feels bad when the animal kingdom vibes you because of your weight). About 3 days in, I had a fever and what turned out to be...wait for it....MONTEZUMA'S REVENGE. In the hospital back in the states, I was terribly dehydrated and needed to stay for a couple of days...which leads me to the moment that started this whole weight loss and health trip.

I was laying in bed visiting with my mom and dad...we had a nice visit and I was starting to feel better. After they left, the nurse wanted to weigh me. This of course scared the hell out of me because I had not weighed in so long...but here it was...time to weigh. That moment...the moment of knowing my weight, began a journey that finds me here with you. I weighed 394 lbs. after 2 weeks of severe dehydration from being sick. I probably weighed over 400 lbs. My brother was there...I cried. I said I don't want to be here. He said, "you are young and can do something about it...it's not too late." I have always been afraid that it is too late...especially with this subject.

I weighed this morning again after quite some time. I weigh 319 lbs. When I first saw that number I was disappointed, but then I thought of all the hard work I have put in for 6 months...and how finally I have a chance with my food...(now that eating out is off the table).

So there ya go. It's scary to share these details...because they have always been used against me. But I am branching out and living in the daylight rather than the shadow of the self. Connecting with others, being active, eating well, and using my talents. All of these things are new to me. I feel like at least I get a life now...at 37. Half a life is a lot better than no life at all.

Once again, thank you for all you kind words of support. You mean more to me than you realize...really.

Food plan for tomorrow: Breakfast (the usual), Lunch: roast, Dinner: homemade (thank you, Kiki) veggie beef soup. Zumba with Sara at 6 a.m.

Roy

CSA Vegetable Soup

So far this "not eating out" thing hasn't been too hard for me.  What HAS been hard is trying to make healthy, from-scratch meals instead of eating hummus, pita, cheese and olives for dinner.  Now, I know that hummus and cheese isn't necessarily a poor choice when you compare it to Big Macs and Papa John's, but they are very calorically dense and it is difficult to get full without eating way too many calories and fat.  This is my challenge.  How do I motivate myself to dedicate a few hours each week to cooking?  It shouldn't be too hard.  I've always loved cooking.  But as soon as the voice in my head says, "You HAVE to do this!", that's exactly when I DO NOT want do it.  It's like I'm a bratty sixteen-year-old on the inside.  Arrgh!

However, I have heard that awareness is the first step to recovery.  So after I ate my cheese and hummus, I put on my big girl pants and made a big pot of CSA Vegetable Soup.  We picked up our preserved harvest CSA from Avalon Acres.  We received some great grub including canned tomates, canned corn, canned green beans, popcorn, whole wheat pasta, strawberry preserves and pickles.  We also received fresh sweet potatoes, acorn squash and a giant winter squash with a crooked neck.  So into the soup went the corn and green beans, a quart of tomato juice from a previous delivery and two pounds of lean ground beef from our Peaceful Pastures CSA.  I also tossed in plenty of carrots and celery from our Bountiful Blessings CSA.  It feels great to be supporting so many local farms!

I feel prepared for my week now.  I have a triple batch of oatmeal made for breakfasts.  The soup and a bean and rice salad for lunches/suppers and home made no-knead bread.  You can find the recipe for said bread at www.eatlikeyourgrandma.blogspot.com.

Who wants to come over for dinner?

Kristie

Breaking up is hard to do.

First of all, my plan for tomorrow is as follows: Breakfast (the usual) two eggs, two pieces of veggie sausage, a piece of toast, a jalapeno, and quart of water. Lunch...sandwich, slice of aged cheddar, baked Cheetos and hummus. Dinner...roast! OK that's out of the way.

I had a good day today. I had a good breakfast and took my lunch to a recording session. Now the hard part of that lunch was that there was catered food from a local deli and I could have had it for free. And so, the mental chatter picked up..."Well...you're not paying for it." "You are eating it in the studio...so you aren't out." On and on this went, generating high anxiety...until I decided that I brought my lunch to feel safe...to know that I am doing no harm. I sat and ate my lean roast while the smell of french fries and Reuben sang their sweet song to me. "Roy...dear Roy...come and eat us please...no one will know...Roy...dear sweet Roy...you didn't pay a dime and your food blows.."  I ignored it. Bottom line: no one cares for you...like you. Restaurants are a business and calorically dense food keeps us coming back for more. It works. Why would they change it? I think of these things and I start to get a little heated about giving this industry control over my life.

I also struggled today with feeling lonely. I was around other people all day long but still I felt alone. You ever feel that way? Almost like... unloved? I tell you this not for your pity, but to be transparent. Well, I felt this way today...with no real reason, other than food (specifically, fatty, restaurant-prepared food) isn't my friend anymore. We are breaking up. Breaking up is hard to do.

On a happier note...here are some things I notice about my body as it responds to a change in nutrition and exercise.

The very top of my chest feels totally different than it ever has. Much more muscularity.
My arms look as though I have borrowed someone else's.
I can do push-ups...(you might as well have asked me to LEVITATE before).
My legs have transformed completely.
I have been very active for about 6 months. It has made me a different man.

If you read this...drop me a line. It's nice to know that I am not alone.

Thank you.

Roy

Eat Like Your Grandma

In order to fully realize my vision for this project, I have decided to start another blog dedicated to rural/farm recipes.  It is located at www.eatlikeyourgrandma.blogspot.com.  Please check it out and follow along!

Kristie

January dinner dates!

I really do believe that God provides for us.  Even when I'm fretting about money or school or anything, I know in the back of my mind that everything will work out one way or another.  Eating out has always been such a big part of my life with Roy.  It has always been our "pick me up" when we were feeling blue or our "celebration" when things were going well.  Another thing that eating out has provided is a way for us to socialize with friends without having to cook or clean.  But can we not gather around a simple meal or a potluck so that no one has to bear the entire burden of cooking and cleaning up after a meal?  And to take it to another level, when did it become such a burden to cook a simple meal for my friends and family?  As my mother recently told me, her mom cooked three meals a day for her family.  Surely I can eek out one!  I think it all comes down to balance and putting things in their proper place.

All that said, we have several "dinner dates" coming up.  This Sunday is our monthly potluck lunch at Eastwood.  Mid month we will be attending a vegan brunch.  Thank you Shalene and Jason!  Our heirloom tomato group is having their annual seed exchange/potluck at the end of the month.  And we already have an invitation for chili verde at a good friend's home in February.  When I step back and look at the connections I have built, I see that there is no reason a year without restaurants should be a lonely one.  On the contrary, I'm sure it will be a year full of relationship building and reconnecting with people around the dinner table.

Kristie

What now?

I am out of ideas. It is day five. What..was...I...thinking?  It feels like I decided to swim the English Channel...now where are my arm floaties? I have breakfast covered and I think I have lunch covered...but dinner...again...is undecided. It frustrates me that I feel like this is a full time job. It has been my hope that I would post my meal plan on here so that I would have a strategy for the coming (or impending...according to mood) day. But here I am...drawing blanks. Obviously, I am going to have to expand my repertoire. I have a few books. I will read. And pray. Maybe cry a little. It reminds me of a few of my "desperate" meals. Meals that I have had to eat in for whatever reason with nothing in mind and only a few resources.

Unsalted baking peanuts...sweet wine...bread with crystallized honey that had been in our cabinet for quite some time.

Cheetos and hummus.

Pasta with olives and a beer.

Feta cheese and potato chips.

BON APPETIT!!

So I need a plan to avoid these culinary tragedies.  I have a good amount of cookbooks and endless resources online, but bottom line...I am not used to thinking about this. In fact, I am not really used to living fully awake. Well, here's to waking up and trying to eat something other than tortillas and pudding.

Roy

Zumba ninjas and serious indecision.

Yesterday was not particularly easy, but I made it. Today I have a plan for lunch.  I have already had breakfast and for dinner....OMG I HAVE NO IDEA! So here I am with my first case of indecision.  Normally, this leads to a "quick bite" that turns into a "frantic search" and ends with a "super fatty" meal...usually at the hands of my Mexican friends at Las Maracas. But today, because of my Bullish determination and Iron (or at least aluminum) constitution, I will cook. But WHAT? I pick up two CSAs today and share them with our friends AND I am doing a mega Costco run (gotta get ready for the epic blizzard of '10).  Maybe by the end of all that I will have an idea of what to do. I hope. I ALSO decided to take a day off from exercise and who do I run into but Sara Plambeck and Alison Egerton. They are Zumba ninjas. I take their classes....it's kind of like skipping batting practice and running to Babe Ruth. I will be back tomorrow, both to exercise and to tell you about my journey. Thank you!

Roy

Best EVER Vegan Nacho Cheeze Dip!

Hello my dear bleaders!  I like to pretend that here are hoards of you.  :)  Today was a challenge to be sure.  It was my first day back at school after my clinical rotation.  I was excited to start learning new things.  I had my books packed and my lunch packed, too.  I had my leftover grit cakes packed up with an apple and was looking forward to my deliciously frugal lunch.  But guess what?  I left it sitting on the kitchen counter to rot.  Dammit!!  After a frantic call to Roy to ask him to put it in the fridge for me so I could have it this evening, I resigned myself to a day of hunger.  There was NO WAY I was breaking our pact on day four.  No. Freakin. Way. Thank God I had eaten a hearty breakfast.  I did get hungry around noon, but the hunger subsided soon thereafter.  I made it home a little before 4pm and ate my leftover grit cakes.  They were delish!  Now, no one is allowed to lecture me about how bad it is to skip meals.  Blah, blah, blah.  I know it's best to eat five small meals per day.  Blah, blah, blah.  It just doesn't work for me.  Three is plenty and often two will suffice.  For someone with an addiction, it's best to limit the exposure to the substance.  Not the other way around.  At least it works better for me that way.   And since I can't hardly stand to post a blog without a picture, here's a recipe!

Vegan Chili Cheeze Dogs featuring Kristie's Vegan Nacho Cheeze Dip

Vegan Nacho Cheeze Dip

Servings: 8

Ingredients
4 cups water
1/2 cup raw cashews (buy at health food store or online)
8 oz canned pimentos or roasted red peppers, drained
4 T. cornstarch
Juice of two lemons (optional)
2 t. salt
2 cups nutritional yeast (buy at health food store or online)
1 t. onion powder
1 t. garlic powder
1 t. cumin
1 t. turmeric

Instructions
Combine all ingredients in blender and blend until completely smooth. Transfer mixture to a medium saucepan and whisk over medium/low heat until thickened, about 5 minutes. Don't give up on it if it takes longer than 5 minutes. It WILL get thick and creamy, just like nacho cheese dip.

Additions: A can of Rotel tomatoes will make this more like the Velveeta cheese dip we all had growing up, but MUCH healthier!

Serving ideas: I mix in black beans or vegan chili and pour it over baked tortilla chips. It's also great with veggies for dipping.

Kristie

SHAKE IT

Well good MORNING friends! Today is the first tough day I face with the no eating out policy. I had to plan today because I have work in the afternoon then a gig tonight. THANK GOD!!!! BUT it just means that I carry my dinner around with me. It's amazing what the "Lil' Satan"tm on my shoulder says. "You'll look homeless if you carry your dinner"..."You were born fat and can never change"...or my favorite "People will think you are weird." Haha!  The last one amazes me since I am likely to do things like burst into a production number at any moment or ask if Avatar 3D is a "talky" (I've done both). The bully inside of me wants nothing good for my life. For example, this morning was emotionally charged (emergency business stuff) and I ALMOST didn't work out. The last ditch effort of "said bully" was: "your ears will get cold" ....yeah...my ears will get cold...screw it..let's go to taco bell. These are the leaps of logic that I have made for 37 years. SO in response to the "Cold Ear Conundrum" I wore ear muffs to Zumba. Sure I looked like a cross between Richard Simmons and Ed Asner, but by God, I got my exercise! So my plan for food today is to take a turkey sandwich, baked cheetos, and hummus with me this afternoon and eat it between the afternoon thing and this evening's gig. Oh...and the usual two gallons of water.

I will happily go about my day with the knowledge that I will do no harm to my health or my finances.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

When life gives you grits...make grit cakes!

I am the self-proclaimed Queen of Guilt.  I can feel guilty about absolutely every freakin' thing.  I feel guilty when I don't wash out baggies, because they end up in landfills.  I feel guilty when I do wash out baggies because I'm wasting water and soap to wash them.  Hell, I feel guilty when I use a baggie, period.  For the love of God!  It is annoying to be stuck inside my head sometimes.  But the good news is that I have one less thing to feel guilty about today.  I made grit cakes!  I made a big batch of grits three days ago and swore that I would parcel out a generous serving to myself every morning until they were gone.  BUT I KEPT FORGETTING ABOUT THEM!  So today I decided to reinvent grits.  Behold Kristie's Grit Cakes!  I have to admit, I used a recipe from the "More-with-Less Cookbook" by Doris Longacre as a guide, but made plenty of modifications to make them my own.  Fry 'em up and give me some feedback.  Enjoy!

Kristie's "I-Don't-Want-To-Waste-The-Leftover-Grits" Grit Cakes

Serves 4

Two cakes per serving

Combine in a large bowl: 

2 c. cooked and chilled grits

1 12oz. can light tuna (not white!) drained and flaked

1/2 small white onion, minced

1 t. salt

dash pepper

1 t. Worcestershire sauce

1/2 c. Italian style bread crumbs, with extra set aside for coating the cakes

1/4 c. chopped fresh parsley

1 egg, beaten

Mix everything together well.  Shape the mixture into 8 cakes about the size of your average burger.  Roll in additional bread crumbs and pan fry in olive oil until golden grown.  Garnish with more fresh parsley and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese.  Now chow down!  I put ketchup on mine.  Don't judge. 

Vegetarian variation:

Omit the tuna and the Worcestershire.  Add in 1/2 cup corn kernels, 1/2 cup drained and rinsed black beans and one small can of chopped green chilis.  Substitute cilantro for the parsley if you like and top the cakes with salsa and guacamole.  I haven't tried this yet, but I think it will be delish!

Kristie

Real Food = Real Life

That's me on the left. Ya know the one that looks like a cross between Bobcat Goldthwait and Dom Deluise. This picture was taken at a time when I was completely controlled by my appetite. Not just for food, but for acceptance and love. I see a man that is kind, funny, and good...but under the thumb of his oppressor.


Well, it is the second day. So far, not hard...I was thinking today that the anticipation of the meal, ya know the excitement of what is to come, is as thrilling as the meal itself. In actuality, a meal rarely lasts more than 30 minutes, hardly a break from "normal" life. Some of you are asking what I mean by eating out. I simply mean not eating in a restaurant...eating here at home. That's really it. I still have coffee out (I love to work at Ugly Mugs...my favorite place in the world) BUT I won't be eating out. The way I see it, coffee was never the problem...it also wasn't prepared food from grocery stores (i.e. lasagna or frozen dinners). Although I must say I generally do not like instant food.

The fight, for me, is about getting down to the core of why I have leaned so much on restaurants to make me feel better. I am basically willing to risk being lonely, sad, bored, or even... happy. I willing to risk feeling these things because I have seen a glimpse of real life. This endeavor is my way of joining the human race. To feel real support from friends...to make connections in places like the YMCA or Ugly Mugs...rather than Hardee's or some other place. If I hid away with food, I never needed to look at the things that I feared to be true about myself. It is amazing how a series of lies that we tell ourselves will hijack an entire life.

What do you eat when you have "nothing" in the house?

Pasta with Swiss chard, shallots, sundried tomatoes, kalamata olives, parsley and feta.  That's what! It is amazing to me that such a wonderful meal can be prepared with no planning and no recipe.  One of the lies I buy is that I have to have a recipe for everything I make.  I am perfectly capable of using my noodle (pun intended) to create recipes of my own.  I am convinced that if you keep a well stocked pantry and fridge, you can create a wonderful meal in no time flat.  You just have to keep things simple.  The noodles I used were made locally with free range eggs.  The Swiss chard came from our wonderful winter vegetable CSA (www.bountifulblessingsfarm.com) and the parsley came from our garden.  Parsley is crazy hardy, but I think it bit the dust with the freeze last night.  All that said, here's my very own recipe for this quick pasta dish.

Kristie's "Nothing To Eat" Pasta

Serves 4

Ingredients

12 oz. fettucini pasta

2 T. extra virgin olive oil

1 T. Smart Balance margarine

2 shallots, sliced thinly

6 cups Swiss chard, cleaned and chopped

1/4 c. sundried tomatoes packed oil, chopped

1/4 c. kalamata olives, chopped

1/2 c. chopped fresh parsley

1/2 c. feta cheese

Preparation

Bring a LARGE pot of water to a boil on the stove and salt the water liberally.  Boil pasta until al dente.  Reserve 1/2 cup of the pasta cooking liquid.  Drain and set pasta aside.

Meanwhile, add oil and Smart Balance to a large pan and saute shallots and Swiss chard for 5-8 minutes.  Add sundried tomatoes, olives and parsley and cook for another 3-5 minutes.  Add reserved pasta cooking liquid to vegetables bring to a bubble.  Add pasta and toss.  Remove from heat.  Pour into serving dish and top with crumbled feta.

This would be AMAZING with a nice, crisp white wine, but we didn't have any.  We drank Cumberland punch instead (a.k.a. Tennessee water).  Enjoy! 

Kristie

Stop Eating Out - Day Two

January 2, 2010.  Roy came to me yesterday with a revolutionary (for us) idea.  He wanted to stop eating at restaurants for one year.  This, coming from a man who LOVES restaurants (especially the lighting) is huge.  I took me less than a second to jump on board.  I have longed for quite some time now to experience a simpler life.  One where we create more and consume less.  A life that is celebrated quietly around the home hearth instead of around a sticky table at Applebee's.  I want to travel back through time to a place where people gathered in each other's homes to eat, talk and simply be. 

We live in a different kind of world today.  Everything moves at warp speed, including the food.  We eat on the run.  It seems to me that home cooked family meals have virtually disappeared.  Maybe it's just me though.  Or maybe it's because I no longer live in small town Missouri.  When you live in a metropolitan area there is, quite literally, food on every corner.  People eat out to entertain themselves and to catch up with friends between meetings.  We eat out to unwind after a hard day at work when we don't feel like cooking.  We eat out to make life easier.  But does it really make life easier?  My husband and I spent over $10,000 in 2009 on restaurant eating.  How much less stress would I have if that 10K were padding my savings account instead of The Olive Garden's coffers?  I suppose we shall see.  The next year will be one full of challenges.  100 years ago this would be a non issue.  But in today's modern world, it feels radical.  I feel like a rebel.  A weirdo.  But I love this feeling of knowing.  Knowing that this challenge will change my life for the good, but not knowing how.

I am not sure how this blog will evolve.  Will it be a food blog?  Hopefully.  I hope to find the time between classes and clinical rotations to take pictures and post recipes of my culinary creations.  But more than that, this blog will be a place for Roy and I to process the inevitable unpleasant feelings that will arise when we remove one of the crutches that we have relied on for comfort for so many years.

I invite you, our bleaders (blog readers) to stop by often and lend a kind and supportive word to our cause.  You will most certainly be receiving a dinner invitation soon.  We hope to see you (and feed you) soon.

Kristie 

Long Road - Day One

This is the beginning.  The beginning of an experiment that is sure to be tedious and challenging.  Hopefully, it will be a life-altering step with rewards that outweigh the fear of facing the next 364 days without the reliable, warm and beautifully lit (I have a lighting thing) world of restaurants.  See, for me, these places are about more than just food.   In fact, food is one of the lowest things on the list.  What I am really purchasing is an experience, a party on demand.  You know like TGIFriday's or Dave and Buster's.  "In here it's always Friday!"  There are bright lights!!!!  Loud Sounds!!!!  Fun people in stripey shirts!!!!  "My life is soooo COMPLETE!!!"  Yeah...sounds funny, but it's kinda true.  I don't feel as lonely in there.  I feel like it's a special day, like there is something to celebrate.  That is what the advertisers want you to feel. YAY!!!! LET'S HAVE CREAMY THINGS WITH CHEESE!  Well, it isn't willpower I lack (I have plenty of discipline).  I lack clear thinking.   What the whole industry wants to sell is the idea that if you consume you will be happier, more fun, sexier, have more friends and even be athletic.  The last one really hit me when I saw a beer billboard featuring two runners as if to say, "Thank God I had the lower carb beer today.  We certainly don't need a repeat of the Jager incident!"  Well, whatever.  I am fasting from an industry that broke it's promise to me.  I am not sexier or more fun.  NOR am I able to jog on a belly of booze.  I do not have poker nights with Pizza Slut.  I don't have a living room full of middle-aged men in football jerseys screaming at my TV while we chum around a giant-ass sandwich.  What I have is a big ole empty.  An empty where relationships go, where I learn about myself, where I find my legs and use them.  I am doing this for the person(s) I love.  Not from a place of "I gotta do something or I'm gonna die".  It's not about that...it is about doing something because I really do care about myself. And I want to protect myself from harm.  We will talk soon.

Roy