MOLE

Hey everybody! So far so good. It has been thirteen days and I haven't eaten out. Hoorah. This is definitely the longest stretch I can remember.

Today's plan is to have breakfast, lunch (soup) and for dinner...homemade Chicken Mole! This is an EVENT. It's not easy to make...first I have to boil a chicken...(not too bad). But it's the mole sauce that's the real pain. Lots of different kinds of chiles and chocolate and what not. Last time I made it, I slaved and slaved-- FINALLY got it into a blender and was almost done when I removed the blender from the stand and COVERED the kitchen in a cocoa flood. Our dishwasher is still an "off white" because of that fiasco. Anyway, mole it is.

I have noticed that the financial fear in my life is significantly reduced because I am not eating (literally) through my checking account. I have money...and it's slow. And I need money. And work. Soon. Hah! But really, it feels like I am my ally rather than enemy and that is a good feeling.

Weight. Just saying the word makes my stomach tighten with anxiety. It is a word that has been used against me soooo much, usually at my own hands. I think a lot of my weight is an outward representation of hiding. Hiding from people, afraid that they will hurt me. Hiding from challenges and opportunities, fearing that I will fail. Hiding from love...afraid that I couldn't face it...I still don't really get that one...but hey, addictions aren't known for their logic. Every time someone said something dumb, instead of confronting...I ate. A lot. Every time I was asked to do something that was on the edge of what I considered to be my abilities...yup...I ate. So, I notice that I have feelings that have never really been expressed. Well, here's to growth...as miserable as it is. Hah! I had therapist once say to me..."You can have the known misery, or the miserable unknown." What he meant was, I can stay unfulfilled and unhappy or I can face the miserable feeling of the unknown, upon which (of course) I tend to project catastrophe. "What if it all flies apart?" "I will be homeless" and it usually ends with.."..and I will die." I never a considered the good things that could (and indeed DID) happen. Not until I moved toward the voice that said "you'll never make it."

Well, I suppose I will sign off and get my day started. Moving toward the terror and willing to fail, I will boil my chicken and make my sauce. I will play my trombone and write. I will exercise and interact with the rest of the world. (Cue: "Mine Eyes Have Seen The Glory"). Once again thank you all for reading, responding, and your much appreciated support.

Roy