CHANGE

Historically, I have not relished change. I often will hold onto something (be it a situation or possession) until it becomes toxic. I mean it can be terrible and I want to hang on because...well...it's mine. This might be a pile of shit...but it is my pile of shit. I mention this because I was thinking of all the changes I have undergone in the past year. As I look back to a year ago, it's a very different life. Where I felt terror...I would avoid...and eat out. Like a buddy or a band aid, it was always there waiting to greet me...well band-aides don't greet because they don't speak English...or any language...oh god this is awkward. I digress..It seems to me that I have held onto my weight in much the same way. I think I have outgrown it. But what does life look like without it? I have no idea. None. Never been without it. It pains me to write these words because I feel like I am admitting that I am fat. Like you didn't notice (and wouldn't had I not said anything.) So many feelings go through me...like I'm ugly. Or slow. Or unlovable...as strange as the last one sounds...it's true. These are not uncommon feelings to someone who has struggled with body esteem. (Good news ladies! Men do it too!)
Well, what if my weight was just another thing I needed to release? It always annoyed me to hear that word...release. It is so overused in our pop culture that I immediately see Oprah's "knowing" nod and I feel a little nauseous. But...what if that was the case? Well, I think that it is. Let's just look at the pros shall we?

How weight has benefited me
by Roy Agee

1. Makes you funny. Strap on an extra 100 and it's a laugh riot.
2. Teaches compassion. I am hyper aware of other's feelings.
I am actually thankful for that one.
3. Gives you something to "overcome."
(almost built in drama...perfect for the egomaniac in me)
4. hmmm let me get back to ya

Now let's look at what it costs. I won't mention health...that's too easy. I am just gonna talk about MY feelings and life...

How weight has limited me
by Roy Agee...again.

1. Isolation. Feeling afraid of people.
2. Living with anger and resentment.
3. Never feeling handsome.
4. Feeling invisible...needing to disappear and yet longing to be seen.
5. People call you Big Guy..Big Fella...Or Big 'un.

You get the idea. As I started this not eating about thing I have discovered that it is much larger than just saving some bucks. It is a way of life that is foreign to me. In a way, it is my first venture into life. Instead of hiding behind food that hurts me, I am here amongst you. I must say, the decision has been well received. I have never felt more connected and better than I do right now.

Well...tomorrow's plan is a VEGAN BRUNCH hosted by Shalene and Jason Gray. Shalene is a great vegan cook and Jason has a multitude of talents. Other talented folks will be sharing their food with us tomorrow also. Lunch is COVERED. Dinner with my people that evening...WON. DER. FUL!!!! So I am cool. Thank God...another day safe from the business of food.

Good to talk to you...see you later.

Roy