Perfectionism and Momma's Spaghetti

Mornin! Last night got a little difficult. I played a big band gig and I had fun BUT I cracked a few notes and then the spiral began. The comparisons and voices of fear and the "HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU?" monster appeared. I am transparent about this only because I am aware that this thinking isn't really me...but it feels so real when it is happening. I make a mistake and the voices start up, then fun disappears, and then before I know it...I want french fries. Where did I learn to make this leap? And WHY am I so hard on myself? This is the dance of perfectionism. When I strive to be the best version of myself (and I work to be exactly that) I must remember that mistakes come with it. Learning comes with it. There is NO arrival point in which I am immune to error. Having said that, my body and mind react to mistakes in a destructive manner. I wear the misguided fear on my body. Play out of tune?...have a bagel. Recital not go the way you wanted? Big Macs make it better. I remember my senior recital and disappointment....me and my friend Mark went to McDonald's and ate big macs. And yes, I was still disappointed in myself...but I was also numb to it. There is a reason I did that...it worked...for a while. Therein lies my life long struggle and emotional need for restaurant food. Last night, a familiar feeling came over me to eat out. Because that's not an option, I didn't. Instead I noticed the process in a much clearer frame of mind. So here I am...volunteering for pain. Neat huh? BUT I find that I am strong enough to handle it. Whether it be misplaced self-criticism or feeling like I want to give up in a Zumba class (like I did this morning) I will handle it.
I digress. Tonight I am making my Momma's spaghetti. It is sort of a casserole rather than a pasta dish, but it always reminds me of her. It isn't low fat per se but it is delicious AND I hope to have leftovers to take to an all day gig tomorrow (I have to have lunch and dinner prepared).  It is ground beef, onions, green pepper, garlic powder, and Kraft "cheese product". Oh and Prego sauce...yeah it's my mom's country version of Italian. I would always ask her to make it on my birthday. She taught me how to make it a few months before she died...then she gave me her rolling pin and said "I won't be needing this anymore" Her acceptance of death was times --- comical. ANYWAY, I am making that dish tonight!
I am noticing new parts of my body emerging. My arms continue to change and my legs also have changed a good bit (thanx to Sara, Jen, Patty, and Nikole) And my BUTT IS TO DIE FOR. omg...did I say that? I'm sorry...I am probably needing carbs. But seriously, my body is responding to this process of eating at home and exercise everyday.

Well...I suppose I sign off and have a nice lean filet for lunch...(I made it a few days ago).

Thank you for reading and for your support.

Don't be shy....let me hear from you. How is it going for you?

Roy