Weight is about the empty.

I don't even know where to begin.

How do I tell you I hurt

when pain feels normal?

How can I find home

when I'm used to being lost...

I only know how to do what you have told me

I only know one dance

one song

one sound

A silent cry in a dream

finding my voice has felt

impossible.

All I have had was a sense that something was

missing.

Some part of me knew this was wrong.

A part of me insisted it be different

A thorn that grows through concrete

fueled with boiling rage that I have always known,

for what reason, I have no idea.

You should have set me free.

I know you couldn't.

I just can't be whole.

This is about control. It is about setting myself free. The part of me that knew I was meant to have this freedom pushed me to change. My body is really different than when i started and it was a DECISION. A CHOICE. One of the only choices I have really made thus far in my life. No one told me. I decided I wanted it to be different. I am making it happen.

As my weight loss unfolds, there are a lot of things in my life I want to change. Some of these are easy...some are not. I understand that the power lies on my shoulders to direct my life and this is both scary and liberating. Dealing with confrontation along the way and coming out of denial are 2 very terrifying mileposts on this walk with myself. I am learning to tell people what I think...truly. I am learning to say no... AND say yes...and MEAN it. I am learning to say "this isn't right...how do I make it better?"

Now, what do I mean by not being "whole"? hmmm.. Imagine a hole in the Earth. Now imagine you want to fill the hole so you fill it with water. It works, for a day. When you come back the next day you notice the hole is empty again. the Earth absorbed the water. You try and try and it seems to work, but always leaves the hole empty. The only thing that will REALLY fill it is more Earth. Not water. When you feel incomplete or really really alone, you turn to addiction. And it works, for now. Tomorrow you will feel the hole again. For me, it is food. It has harmed me and caused me great body shame. Hell of a price to pay for something that should be part of us all. Belonging. So, if I don't fill this up with food and people pleasing...what do I fill it with? Love? I get confused there because I equate love with people being pleased with me. No one is mad..I am loved! Well, the honest answer is I don't know. I am in this place where I know what doesn't work but I am unsure about what will. So, I go and learn more about myself and trust that answers will come.

I am keeping points (weight watchers) and I am continuing to exercise. I will not give up even though recent revelations about myself have left me feeling numb and wanting to isolate. The part of me that pushes for a different life is in charge...I will follow it.

I have needed your support and I have gotten it. YOU are a large part of this process for me. Thank you....

Roy

Stand.

My story is not unlike many others...maybe it is a lot like yours. Maybe you felt like you knew who you were. Comfortable. Not perfect but we found a way to make it "work". Settled. Maybe, like me, some of you realized later that you had no idea what was in you. Maybe you got here by pushing yourself....or circumstance...or both. It doesn't matter much how we got here, I think what matters is where would we like to end up. Nature, being at BEST cryptic, has no definitive answer for us. Instead it boils down to a matter of faith. Faith and trust in not only God as we know it, but in who we are ...today...right now. I believe that the mere awareness that were are "awake" is a hint. It tells us that we are not alone. That we have a partnership with something larger than us. And sometimes that "something" wants us to live in accordance with it.

This is where I am. I realize that an issue I have is to live for others. I am a voluntary servant. I swallowed my voice, my needs, my hopes, anger, and personality. I digested all of this along with too much food. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I may lie, hide, downplay inconveniences, search for fulfillment in the wrong places. I will absolutely eat, drink, and laugh my way out of the hole. In this way, all these problems become about "being heavy". That is an easier problem to solve. Diet. Run. Whatever...straightforward. In case you are wondering, yes this is what I did....at first. Along the way though, I have started to realize I am running from all of this shit. Yes I lost weight. I am proud. Yes I am strong. But I am not running anymore. I want to stand and fight for the things I so willingly gave away.

I deserve to feel independent.

to be loved.

to live for me too.

to choose..really choose.

to have a voice

to be ok when someone is disappointed in me.

I do not want to be a wounded child anymore. I don't want to feel like everyone else's guardian. Trying to make the world richer, in part...led to my poverty.

I am sorry for the sadness I have caused. If I did something and you wondered why doesn't he just say no? I really am sorry. I am sorry for the sadness and disappointment that may result from living my truth. But mostly, I am sorry I lost a complete, beautiful man along the way. I am in the business of finding him. Whatever the price I need to feel whole.

My weight will continue to drop. I will be running...going to the Y...eating well...tracking it. I am going to make it to my goal. But I ran as hard as I could in this direction only to look up and see a different world. One that looks beautiful to me..

Thank you for all of your help.

We will talk soon,

Roy

The Prayer

In my heart, there lies a prayer.

More of a song than a spoken plea,

Growing louder

throughout my life

The prayer is about finding my way.

Please guide me.

Take me to the place

I wish to go

Even when I don't know where.

I assumed you didn't hear me,

That I was really alone.

As I surrendered,

Wandered lonely nights

There you were.

Waiting like a patient parent

Waiting

For their babies first step

"Just walk a few steps this way",

"Make your way this direction

You will still wonder where to go

But you will be on your own

Feet".

I am still lost. Really. I spend a good bit of time confused. Especially lately. Nothing really specific, just a sense of "what will happen"? It seems like I have had my head down working on this exercise and diet stuff and all of the sudden I look up and I am different. I am different in every way and I wonder..."How the hell did I get here"? Even though I feel this sort of bewilderment, I feel beauty around me. I feel beautiful...not looking beautiful, that's not what I mean, but rather, I sense a feeling of beauty inside of me.

My mother always said that I was a sunny child. Meaning, I was content and infectious. She said I would start laughing and no one would know what I was laughing at. I was just laughing.

I assumed that I outgrew that person. I was just a kid. I am more mature now. I have struggles..issues...things to lose..things to gain. Bills... And yet recently, I have felt this sunny child re emerge. Just a couple of nights ago I was driving home and I noticed that everything looked so beautiful to me. In the darkness of the night the shadows looked really pretty to me. Then I felt silly...and I started to laugh. Just like my mom said I used to do. So maybe this little boy isn't dead after all. Maybe he had to be unlocked...set free.

This work I have been doing had made me face everything I have been afraid to see. All the issues and the courage to fight has lead me to a previous incarnation of myself. One that is more alive than I imagined I would ever be.

The running and the Y (plus the community of people associated with them) continue to inspire and be a huge part of my life. I can feel that I have lost more weight and am hopeful that it will continue. The experience of this process spills into other areas of my life. Music, personal relationships, how I hold myself. All things grow.

I want to thank you for your continued readership and support. YOU are the reason I have the strength I need.

Roy

Shhhhh....listen.

I am the voice that must be heard. I am the one who knows the way. Never raise my voice--YOU must raise your awareness. The minute you stop clutching so hard to what you think you know, I appear. Like a sound that you don't notice until it stops. I will always tell you the truth. And the truth?...is always an affirmative. Listen carefully...I sing often...but softly.

Have you ever really paid attention to the part of yourself that knows you can do something? The part of you that isn't hijacked by fear...masquerading as "realism" or "being practical". By "pay attention", I mean ACTED as though you believed it...just once? I know, for me, when I believe the "knowingness" I feel both fear AND conviction. A conviction that I believe can only come from the truth in an absolute form. Like law. I think there are opportunities to hear and follow this voice everyday. Millions of people get to it in millions of ways. But for me, pain pushed me into understanding it for myself.

In 2005, as I have told you before, I lost my Mother to cancer. Yes, it was very very difficult. But, looking back, the worst part for me wasn't losing her...it was knowing that I was GOING to lose her. When I found out that there was no more hope...THAT was the worst day of my life. The six months or so after learning this, was spent mostly visiting with her and the rest of my family...working in my Dad's garden and kneading bread. Random? Well, yes. But, it felt as though I was following a mandate. A map to get from this hell...to living life with a major part missing. Learning to live with a hole that will never be filled. BUT, the thing is, I WAS learning from this voice inside of me HOW to do it. How to move on. How to cope. How to be who I am...on my own.

As the disease wore on, I learned that I had a strength that I assumed I didn't have. I was the little brother. Protected and shielded from everything. Unable to withstand anything hard or taxing. I was supposed to be babied and cared for. This is the line of thinking I had until I was faced my Mom's death. During the summer nights of July and August, as the time came for her to move on, I had developed a sense strength and individuality. I could witness this awfulness and withstand and care for the person it was ravaging. I felt good about being able to be there for her. My entire family was there with me and I felt like a part of something that was, even as things fell apart, beautiful.

Two years after all of this I realized that the knowingness that I had encountered was still intact. I had gone through a very sad couple of years and eaten, and DRANK about it. I had gained more weight, which wasn't anything out of the norm for me. I was accustomed to gaining weight and losing a little so I could gain it back. But it had gotten away from me a little this time. I spent the better part of 2007 thinking about what to do.

2008. In the summer, I bought a bicycle. A Townie. It is a heavy bike meant for cruising and I started to ride it. I hated it. It made my butt hurt. Some times the seat would slip and I would feel bad about my size. "Too fat to ride a bike" went through my mind a LOT. But, I tightened the seat and..I'll be damned if that didn't fix it. hah So, NOT love at first ride. But, one day I got on it, and decided I was going to ride to the pedestrian bridge in Shelby bottoms. I did it. I thought I would die. Mostly, hijacked by fear, I gave up on exercise. After all, I had lost a little weight so it was time to put it back on now. But, this time, the voice that told me to garden...to knead bread, to make sure I was there for my Mom...my family...and for me, told me that I should try again. It didn't shout. No fanfare. In fact, it was kind of quiet. I rode from my street all the way to the main entrance of the park. 4 or 5 miles. I listened to music. I felt a lot of drive...a lot of emotional fuel.

I got religious about doing it everyday....I started to bike everywhere I could. Gigs...bars (not the best decision) I even bought lights and biked at night. I loved it now. I loved the freedom of it. I learned that, in those moments, I felt like my own man. In line with what I knew to be the truth. The knowingness.

2009. Ymca. I had done a Zumba class on the suggestion of Jenny Littleton. We (Kristie and I) went to Las Maracas and had dinner and then we went to Jenny's evening class. I was pretty sick. My stomach kept burning. It was cool out now and I wasn't enjoying biking as much so I was going to "join a gym" for the umpteenth time. Bleech. I just wanted to eat. It is easier. I am not one of these people. The active, "talk to each other" types. hah. I was a lonesome person by design...and I am not meant to jump. A couple of months after that, I woke up and went to a morning class. I just thought, I can lay here until lunch...or I can get up and go try this one more time. It was hard. Very hard. I could do a song and a half and then I would have to rest. Sara taught it and I thought I would die once again.

After it was over, I decided I would probably not be back because I couldn't do it really. AND I looked really stupid in front of all these pretty moms. Talk about feeling shame. Holy Crap! So I went home and, after a bit, I noticed Sara had posted something on my wall on FB. I was hooked in. I kept going. I learned the steps. I could go longer. I could do more of it. This "knowingness" had spread to another person and they reached out...and it worked. I was back.

Zumba was followed by Nikoletta's class soon after that.

When I first met her, she talked very frankly about my weight and about weight loss. I was mortified. Because, here was another pretty lady and we are talking about my body. I wanted to die. But I hid it. I watched a class, and it was ridiculous to me at the time. Crawling around...lifting things...jumping! Oh GOD JUMPING!!! I left...assuming I wouldn't do that....ever. She wrote me, and said, "I am waiting for you". So sweet to reach for me. Sweet that she cared...and she is great at what she does. I went...it was on the edge of impossible for me. I mean HARD. I kept coming...got stronger. I can do most of it now...

All in all, I lost around 40 more lbs from mid '09 to early '10. Recently, I started running and have now completed my first 5k. I ran 4.1 miles yesterday and I have Kristine Mylls to thank for getting me into it. Mark Miller trained me and a whole cast of people continue to support me. In a few weeks, I will be running the "East Nasty" which is a six mile run with lots of hills. It is the only way to earn the East Nasty sticker. Remember, "acting" as though you believe? I will run this course. I will get the sticker. I will be running a 1/2 Marathon in April. I will lose the rest of my weight. I am not saying I don't have doubts and fears. I am choosing to ignore them and go with the voice that knows the truth. I think of all the half-truths and outright lies I have told myself. I have clutched onto what I though I knew so hard....thought so loud that I could not hear. I raise my awareness by ACTING the way I want to be. The more lies..("I can't" "I am too fat" "Too busy" "Too Broke") I let go of, the more I hear a song I recognize. A tune we all know together....truth.

Fellow Y'ers and runners...I will see you Monday if not before. Once decision at a time, I will be the one piecing a life together.

Roy

The Race.

It was a very hot morning. I arrived with my friend J'Nae at about 6:30 a.m. and we milled around the start line. I was feeling my nerves and the energy in the air surrounding me. A few words from our coach Mark and seeing all of my new friends made me feel the preceding 8 weeks of practice in my body. Like a Biophysical "knowingness" I knew that I could make it. We all walked to the starting line.

A sea of people (950ish) awaited the gun. After it fired, they took off...well, the people in front did. For the rest of us, it was ready...set...walk.... slowly.... to the starting line. hah But, soon enough, we were there. Adrenaline rushed through me but it had been drilled into my head to STAY CONTROLLED for the first half of this race. Knowing I had MAYBE 8 minutes of full effort, I was conservative.

The hills and the heat were no joke at all. As we climbed, I would shorten my stride and take my time. Before I knew it, we were at mile 1. Water. I took some, drank and poured it over my head. I felt like it was going to be ok!

Fatherland. God. One looooooong sloooooow uphill grade. The heat seemed more intense..we were more in the sun. The hill would go from somewhat intense...to hellish...back to somewhat intense. This sums up mile 2. At the top, there was another water stop----Thank God. Then, it was time to go downhill. Going down Woodland, I noticed on the pavement the words..."Bacon Ahead". This is when I first thought I may have already passed away. hah But SURE ENOUGH there was a sweet woman offering strips of crispy pork to the runners passing by. Seemed like a bad idea to me at the time...I abstained. As we hit the bottom of the hill, where Lipstick Lounge is located, it was time to make our final ascent. This is where the heat really really started to screw with me. I was seeing stars and my tongue was tingling. I knew we didn't have much further to go, but I was really hitting a wall. We made that hill and turned...a little further...turned again. At this point, I was breathing as slowly and deeply as I could to get my heart ready to run as fast as I could. The next to last turn I kept steady and controlled so that I could ignite on the final push.

Last turn. I see the finish line. I can hear people. My feet start moving and before I know it, I am in a full gait sprint to the end. Everything that I am is in my run at this point. It is longer than I have sprinted before and I knew that as I started. This time however, something seemed to be running for me. Something stronger and faster. I was hauling ass.

I crossed the line and kept gasping for air. I had put my body to the test like I never have previously in my life. It kept up. It did well for me. I have no knee or back pain and I am not all that stiff. The training help me keep it all together....but...I had nothing left. I felt good about leaving it all on the pavement. It was great to have this experience as my starting point into running. I have met MANY beautiful people in this leg of the journey and will continue to run. My next race will be Oct. 9th in Germantown.

Now I will turn my attention to weight loss. I am tired of being in the same sized pants. Looking the same. There is so much information out there...it is like a sea of contradicting white noise on the subject. I am officially overwhelmed. So far, the one hope I have is that PERHAPS I am gluten intolerant. More whole grains and way less of things MADE from whole grains may benefit me. I don't know. It is unbelievably frustrating though. I also have slips and times when I am in "screw it" mode. So this week, I am going to make it my goal of being gluten-free (I tried before but failed). But this week, in much the same way I gave everything I had to the race, I will give everything to this effort. My focus will be Quinoa, Millet, Greens, Veggies, and lean Proteins. When I say Veggies...I mean INHUMANE amounts of them. I am NOT going to work this hard and let a voice inside justify undoing it. That is truly slavery. And--- I am free. So..."No" will be my mantra.

Thank you for all the wonderful words and gestures of encouragement. It has been, and continues to be, a source I draw from as I become more and more of who I am meant to be.

Roy

Look what I found!!

This is the eve of a very special day for me. I am running a 5k at 7:30. It will be more than the 3.1 miles that make up the course...it will be a signpost in my life. Change is going to happen...to all of us. It is certain. What change, to a large (but not exclusive) degree, is up to us. What I am really pursuing is being more "me". Being more of the person I know myself to be. Have you ever lost yourself for a while? Well, it isn't like finding car keys or a rotten blueberry muffin in your car seat. (Some of my friends know what this is in reference to) It is more like...uncovering a forgotten place...like Archeology. As you uncover one piece, another is revealed and more of the story is told. THAT is what it is like to find out who you really are. This race is an excavation of self.

Everything has been locked up with me for many years. Never good enough a player...never "in shape" enough to go to an exercise class...never smart enough...just not enough. Then, something happened to me. I gave up. Sounds like the WORST thing in the world. But it isn't. What I ACTUALLY released was a form of attachment. Now, I know that word is thrown about and it makes me a little sick at times...but truly THAT is what was locking me up. HAVING to be great...NEEDING to be thin...NEVER wanting to look like I didn't know. All of this amounts to running your life in circles, a great amount of shame, and always feeling like an idiot. BUT once I decided to play music from a "hobby" space, I became a better player. I could follow my muse...I started to really like classical music again..my tone improved. I could improvise better.

When I just said "screw it" and went to Sara's Zumba class and I thought "I will be fat and MALE in this class of all women" Which, by the way, is VERY intimidating because I was embarrassed to be seen as such by those ladies. BUT I went...some part of me temporarily didn't give a shit and the kindness of the teacher made me try again...and again...then the kindness of the other people kept me going...again and again. Then there was Nikole. Again...lots of ladies...and very difficult maneuvering. It was like a self esteem nightmare...but the encouragement...the friends...she (and they) all helped me excavate. A little at a time...until I am here.

Then there is Kristine. She is a friend I know through music. An encourager, and a talented and veeeeeery smart woman. All adds up to quite the intimidating cocktail yes? She wrote to me about this 5k and I just pretended it didn't happen. Yeah...really. I read it, then forgot about it. No reply...no nothin. Just denial. hah But, she tried again. I agreed. We started with one minute intervals...8 of them. Sounds easy. It was hell the first time...awful. I kept thinking "there is no way in hell I can do this" I was sure I would not be back. I was going to get out of this...but again new friends made it easy to go back. So tomorrow, I will run 3.1 miles for the first time in my life. I am well-trained, and mentally ready for it. I cannot believe that I made it here in such an short amount of time. All of my running friends will be there...I am as proud of them as I am of myself. We were all in the same boat..and we will all be there in a few short hours to uncover more of our own "lost cities".

So here is to growing deeper into ourselves. Becoming more "us". Resigning from the expectations and finding our feet to run like hell....

Thank you

Roy

This is what I know.

Saturday is my first 5k. I have trained for many weeks and made a lot of new friends and I am excited to run the race. August 14th 7:30 a.m. 5 points in East Nashville.

As hard as this training has been, it is not as hard as healing a broken relationship with food. For all the times that I pushed though a place where I thought I could not go on and found a strength that I did not know I possessed, I have reverted back to the safe, comfortable and stifling windowless rooms of an addiction to food. I say it like that because that is exactly how it feels. I have not always succumbed but I have experienced more backslides than forward momentum. Kind of a dance with hopelessness. I have heard it said that the night is darkest before dawn. In my case, this is true. Not darkness as in sad...but unknown. Not knowing oneself. The problem doesn't lie in the specifics. The real problem is understanding why I want what I want. This is what I have learned so far..

Food represents my BELIEF of who I am.

Sometimes I do want cheese. But mostly, I want my life to elicit the same feeling as the molten miracle. The white queso goddess.... The feeling(s)?

Sensuality.... it is like a lingering hug.

Safety.... No harm will come..

It is ok to be hungry.

It sends me into a panic. I need to be full because if I am empty....? I don't know. Well..I DO know now. Nothing. Nothing happens. I am hungry. That's it. I think the panic is a reaction to a voice that quietly says .."please don't wake" "Stay with me" "it's dangerous.." It really is as though someone else tries to control you. All addictions deal with this voice...you can't kill it, so the best thing to do is hear it....fully.

Food can help...and it can hurt.

I have started running. When I am home and can make a good breakfast with lots and lots of veggies, I start the day being really FED. My body USES these veggies to strengthen and heal. I run better if I stay on this course and ask myself.."does this make things easier, or harder." Last night we got into a snack fest in our hotel room. Crunch 'N Munch and Diet Coke. I ran this morning. 30 min. on a treadmill. My heart is still flipping a bit. I felt sick and really ragged out. I have run the same amount outside in scorching heat and felt MUCH better. Largely due to what was in my body. It matters.

Vegetables and Greens are miracles.

As are some grains and fruits. Fruits are very helpful especially when eaten alone for maximum absorption. The feeling of quinoa and kale in my body are PRODUCED by the food. NOT my emotional needs. They really are power.

There are many more things I have learned but I feel like I needed to say this and I feel better. It was either write or eat popcorn. I am full, so I thought this would be better. Below this blog post on FB you will notice I posted a song. It is entitled "Don't Be Sad" It is a great musical representation of this whole journey. Listen to it as you read or after. Either way, I thank you for reading...

Roy

Next.

My weight has always embarrassed me. I have had it all of my life...this sense of wanting to disappear. Hell, it is the REASON I am so funny. I had to have something to overshadow the obvious fact that I am fat. The result is a thriving undercurrent of "unheardness" and "invisibility". Exactly what I asked for. But what happens when I want all of this "keep the world at arms length" to go away?

Well, at first, it was pretty easy because I could change a good bit and not really EXPERIENCE a huge shift in my comfort zone. But I have been holding at the same spot for a long time and I am writing because I think it helps me to get this out so that I make better choices. I really think I would like life without a buffer of weight, but I just can't seem to get the food thing together. I just need something to fill the hole. Believe me, that feels terrible to write, but the part of me that really wants to change aired it.

For me, it is about so many things... It is about celebrating good feelings. It is about soothing an ever present loneliness. It is about feeling sensual. I know, weird. Almost like a touch, or soothing hug. Cheese or the taste of spice and fat feels sort of like intimacy. Now, I am not trying to make YOU uncomfortable, hah (too late) BUT this plays a huge role in my weight. I never write about it because it is EMBARRASSING (the backspace button is BEGGING me to be used.) There it is. Love. Food is love. Fills me up and makes me feel consoled. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what people do to replace it. I sometimes feel like I am from another planet...like planet Frommage from the Ground Beef nebula.

The most frustrating part of this is I cannot exercise my way out of this. I can get in touch with my anger and really push. But that doesn't do anything to weight if the food is off. Nothing. And the mind set of "I will not stop" doesn't seem to do much when you are deciding between dark leafy greens and Las Maracas. It is a calmer mind set....one that I am less familiar with. Centered. At my heart, I believe I am a warrior. But, that warrior can turn, when it does...the damage is severe. It loves phrases such as "You can start in earnest tomorrow", "You can have this every now and then", "You are a big guy and always will be." "You are doing everything right, it is the Zoloft." That same part of me that can keep up and push all at 300 lbs. can turn on me and the only one who can defeat it...is me. Daunting....um..yes.

I respond to these voices by screwing with everything from my medicine to food...trying to do extreme things to "gain control". Like anything that over adjusts too quickly, I spin out of control. So here I am. Not really much smaller than last year at this time. Wanting to change, and wondering if I really can...truly. Not wanting to be lonely anymore, don't know how to make it better. But here is what I do know...I am really really WANT to change. If I have to "white knuckle" through. I will. I will continue to run, to lift, to do classes. But food, is my next frontier. God help me. Truly.

Thank you for reading this...I know it is heavy.

Roy

Stump removal.

It is late and I have classes to attend in the A.M., so I will be brief.

I spent some time the past couple of days rearranging my landscape by chopping down a tree and removing it's stump. I don't know if you have done this my hand...(and I mean with an axe and a utility bar) but it is an exercise in patience and endurance. FIRST, I had to have some idea of how I was going to chop the tree. It wasn't huge...maybe a couple of feet above my head or so. But still, I had to hit in ONE place for a long time. So, I chose my spot and began hammering (or CHOPPING) away. I kept on and kept on....I got tired...I rested. I chopped more. I kept doing it with no sign of success....just faith that eventually the would be nothing left to tie the tree to the Earth. And, sure enough, the axe made its way through....I really should say axES because it took 3...(2 very weak handle gave out.) But it did come down. And then there was the matter of the stump.

The call it a Utility bar. It is about 7 feet long with a blade end and it is made from really heavy steel. You lift it and plunge it into the ground. This is what I did for quite some time. Plunge and wedge. Hearing small roots tear-- muffled by the ground. Sweeping away dirt to expose a larger roots. Cut the root in half but plunging the blade into it. Over and over and over again....with no real sign of success. I remember saying to myself.."you are going to come out". I had a resolve. It sounds silly....it is a stump in my yard...not hurting anything and I am only going through this because I want it gone. BUT, I learned a lot from this miniature test of will. I learned that results come...but the ATTACHMENTS to results turn us away from the desired outcome. Had I stopped when I thought it "wasn't working" the stump would remain. The tree would not have fallen....the shade would still be there depriving sunlight from plants I have in my mind's eye....grapes...blueberries...who knows what else..and my vision would be shaped by what I thought I couldn't achieve.

But instead...I plunged the steel bar into the roots...over and over...sweating and exhausted until...it was over. The roots gave way and I was left with a blank spot with which to build my vision...all in my little yard in Inglewood.

It is not hard to draw the parallel to weight loss. Results are mostly a trap. I say this, because it is all too easy to turn around, to give up, and let the scale determine our vision, our actualization of ourselves. When I was really feeling tired, I had to concentrate on lifting the bar then letting it fall....that's all I could do. I had momentarily stopped caring about the stump and was just doing the exercise. I really do want to lose all of my excess weight...but thinking about it all the time...usually in a panic...ties me down to a life that has no forward movement. I soon become a prisoner to my shortcomings....my failure.. The person I am, the one so many of you have seen, fades away and I am left with--- disappointment. I have been too focused on winning or losing. I need to focus on my life...as it is today. Exercise is part of this life....good nutrition (with looooooots of vegetables and vegetarian foods (as well as some meats) are part of this life. Community...part of it as well. This is like lifting the bar and dropping it into the ground. This is the way. The ends do not matter...the means do. It is a place I never really understood...losing weight was always about finally showing everyone that I was worth something.... By getting "cute" (a damned near impossible category in which to be counted when you felt the way I did. On and on the search for "arrival" continues...but it never dawned on me that the way you GET there...IS THE POINT OF ARRIVAL.

Well...like I said...it's late...and this may have made no sense at all....but it does to me at the moment...haha

Thank you so for reading!

Roy

Labels and the fantasy of isolation.

I have 2 things in my life that I am looking to change. One is "living in my head". The other is a fear of losing my "label"

"Living in my head"

Fantasies are wonderful for escaping reality but they are a poor substitute FOR reality. I am not talking about dreams. Thoughts that represent hope. Not I am talking about those daydreams that take us away from our worry. Like, being able to fly or living far, far away. Those are nice. But sometimes, they can become a darker version of what is. This happens to me. I will think no one likes me or so and so is "just being nice". These "fantasies" trigger compulsions. I will have thoughts of being unloved/unlovable and moments later I am hungry for things that will hurt me. Nutritionally devoid items like sugar. I think I feel this way because, in those moments I feel really alone. So, as I challenge this part of myself I notice how terribly controlled I have been and how powerless it makes me feel.

"Losing my labels"

Talented. Special. Studio musician. Star. There are a lot more. People have said some incredibly nice things to me and about me over the years. But living up to this labels, produces a great deal of stress. I always feel like I will not live up to the title I am given, but I am also terrified to let go of it. I feel like if I don't have that I will....cease to be. Vanish. My mother's memory of me will have been a joke. As I write this I feel a tightness in my chest.
Well, needless to say, I an sick to death of this shit. I mean, who's life have I been living? Who's dream? Kristie has asked me many timed what my dreams were. You know, I never have an answer. Make a CD? Well, that would cool but no. Travel? Not really. What then....the terrifying truth? I don't know. No idea. But here is what I DO know. I want to be free. I must. I am imprisoned by my weight and my debts. I will own them and change them forever. BUT I need help. I need help seeing when I am in a dangerous frame of mind with regard to food and exercise and I need to make extra money to get aggressive as hell with all of my debt.

Next time I think someone hates me I will ask "did I do something wrong?" The answer is invariably NO (because I am such a people pleas-er) yet another quality I see myself changing. Since I have done nothing wrong, the worry stops. There is no action to take.

The label thing...I don't know. I want to play and write music. I really love it...I think. But I guess I have to figure out what is my dream? What does that look like? And why is it so important to have a title?

I am going to lose more weight and get where I want to go.

I will pay off all of my debts including my home in less than 5 years. I will do it by any means necessary.

I am unsure of who I am, but the more I learn, the more I see my father in me..and the more I love both of us.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

Plan Your Work, Work Your Plan.

It is an old saying. It refers to intent and focus. I first heard it referred to by George Foreman. He was telling a group of young boxers that you had to have a game plan and stick to the plan EVEN when you are tempted to fall into the emotion of the moment and look for the knockout. In a way, you aren't trying to overpower the other boxer...you are trying to out-think and outlast them. Not much glory in sticking to a plan that may be about waiting for your opponent to make a mistake or present you with a scoring opportunity...but sometimes that's what has to be done. Sometimes, it isn't a knockout..it is a well played round...

Translated to my life, there are many areas in which there really is no plan. I was never one of those 5 year types. I am still not. BUT, I do think some focus would be helpful to me. Because I know me, I know that the plan needs to be simple. I can get carried away with elaborate, overly complex, and damn near unattainable "goals" or "opportunities for disappointment" hah But I need simple and clear plan.

Let's talk about weight loss goals. 2 things must happen. 1. I must know what I am eating. Know what the nutritional value is. 2. I must move. DONE. Simple. So, I think I am going to join Weight Watchers so that I can track my food and I will continue doing a variety of activities to continue with my journey.

In my business (music) it is slow. It is easy for me to fill in the dead time with a lot of fear. As a matter of fact, as far as I can tell, fear is the most common response. After all, we hear phrases like "starving artist" or "you must suffer for your art" OR "god help me, if I don't get a gig I am gonna wind up bein a LONG HAUL TRUCKER" ....ok that last one was me. So, my plan is simple. When it is slow I will be building skills. I will practice and focus on areas in which there are gaps between my imagination and my playing. I will read... about arranging and composition. I will listen to music.... A LOT. Not just hear it, but REACT to it...maniacal infusions of it FOR NO REASON at all. I will be using it to feel good. When this storm passes...I will be stronger and more in love with it. If these things don't get me through....then they don't..but I do not want to handle this in any other way. Fear causes me to scramble...and make mistakes... It makes me do things that eat up energy and make me sad.

Fear made me fat.

Fear made me stay with an abusive teacher.

Fear made me say yes...when I meant to say hell no.

Fear makes us hide in the shadow of ourselves.

The shadow cast by who we would be IN SPITE OF FEAR.

To me, courage is not always about the big moment when you slay the dragon. Sometimes, it is a plodding trail that you obediently follow rain or shine....step by step until...., one day, you understand why you were there in the first place.

So I am planning my work....I will be working my plan. Waiting patiently for the rounds to go by. Walking my way though this life and maybe one day...I will know more of the picture, but for now I am stepping out of my own shadow perfectly willing to fail over and over.

Thank you for reading and your wonderful responses.

Roy

Labor of Love

So, here I am. I have not weighed in 3 weeks (maybe more...not sure.) I am down 2 more pants sizes. I am embarrassed to tell you, but (in the spirit of the blog), my highest pant size was 64. 64 inch waist. How do you get there?...how do you go beyond that? Fear. More on that in a moment... Anyway, now I am in a 48 pant looking at moving into a 46 (the 48s are getting loose) I notice that there is a V shape in my upper body and I am stronger in both quick bursts as well as long tests of endurance. My food plan also continues to evolve. For breakfast, I have started eating steel cut oats with Stevia, Sunflower, Pumpkin, Chia, and Hemp seeds. I eat an egg with egg whites as well. Look up the benefits of these seeds....ancient people ate them in abundance...it is pretty extraordinary what it does for us. I also try to eat a LARGE salad of dark leafy greens and lots of colorful veggies. I still drink a lot of water...distilled when possible. I am also cooking with coconut oil and drinking almond milk in the morning. Whew...that's a lot of change BUT it has been a little bit at a time. As far as exercise goes, I still do my classes but I also bike and work in my garden. I notice that the classes suddenly became easier for me. It was a sudden jump in level after I rested for a bit. My plan now is to be more regular at the classes again, but also continually change things around. The classes are great for me because of the PEOPLE. They mean more to me then they could know. What seems like a passing comment or an inviting attitude to them is a welcoming call to join the human race to me. It is like I have been hibernating in a well meaning but FAR over-protective cocoon for 37 years...and the faces I see on a regular basis are a reminder that there was never a need to hibernate at all.

SO. There we are. Let's talk about where I came from shall we? I came from a loving and kind family. Good good people. Generous to a fault and anyone who knew my mom or dad loved and respected them. My mother could always make anyone feel like they belonged. She was an excellent comforter. My dad has a direct world view. "If someone is sick, you outta help 'em. He doesn't email, text, use a cell phone or ever touch a computer. In fact, when my mom used a computer my dad said "Dorothy is in there playin Bingity-Bong." haha So...you get the picture? It is a comfortable, loving, and kind of isolated. My mom was a worrier. Everything had an element of danger. Food was a source of comfort to us both...but especially me. I have spent my life thus far in a low grade state of anxiety and depression. Luckily, I have found a medication that has helped me but I am convinced that my food issue is rooted in a belief that the "world" is unsafe for me. I can't handle it. Everything from worrying that I worry too much (nice.) to worry that I will never make enough money and be revealed as an impostor. The worry leads to a sense of "why bother" and I hide my shame in food. That shame is magnified when you become overweight and so it goes....on and on. Do you see how someone can be literally immobilized? I am not sure how I did it, but I saw what was happening to me and decided to really change it. What you are watching is the process of change. I think most people have it wrong when the commercialize this "change". You see a "Before" and "After" picture. The "Before" is dismal...the "After"... glorious. I really believe that MY change is rooted in genuine love for the man in the "Before" picture. I don't keep photos of myself fat to "motivate" me. I think that whole thing is bullshit. I am doing all of this for THAT man. The one who is looking to me to save him....from the terrors of his mind, the shame that permeates his life, the extra weight that locks down his dreams. I am doing this because I love that guy. He is a good man. I can tell you this about my life....there IS no "Before" or "After", it is all the same. Yes I plan on becoming smaller. Yes I will be stronger. But I will always have the same heart. The same soul lives in a house of 400 lbs, or 200. It is in service of this piece of eternity that I labor to change. In a way, it is like knowing some part of YOU..is some part of EVERYTHING and therefore, more powerful, and sacred, than any one person can be. So, I put my head down and work very very hard from the change, because I just now realized that I owe it to the man that I was, am, and will always be. Because I am a part of something bigger, more vast. I joined the human race.

Maybe I will see you in a class, walking, biking, or doing whatever you like to do?

I hope so :)

Roy

By the way....

Thank you.

Hello again!

It has been a while.

Today I met my goal of 4500 calories burned and 10,000 steps. I did a lot of strength training and cardio. My meal plan was:

1 eggs 2 egg whites

2 toast

2 veggie sausage

Turkey sandwich

Pot roast.

I am feeling good about everything. I still remain the same number but I notice lots of changes in my body.

Walking with your convictions means continuing to walk long after the new wears off and you are left on a quiet stroll alone. Finding myself in the middle of this, I can say it has given me some great things, but it has also proven to be...less than easy. I slipped into an old lifestyle of eating out. What I thought would be a meal or two became the better part of 2 weeks. So, back to cooking I go ---humbled by the opened door of addiction.

I am told that one must imagine oneself as thin in order to achieve it. Makes sense to me...problem is, I can't seem to do it. See, one of the flaws in my understanding of myself is: "I am an exception" Whatever works for others...will NOT work for me. I cannot lose weight because I am not MEANT to be thin. It is as though there is a PREDETERMINATION of my weight. This, in turn, means that the pain and embarrassment I have experienced my entire life is somehow...deserved? Well, I think that is bullshit. I mean, what have I done to deserve anything less than confidence, good health, strength, and an affirmative view of myself? Nothing. I have done no wrong except live life trying to make sure everyone ELSE is happy. Happy with me, the way I look, play, behave, exercise, eat...it goes on and on. Being a people pleaser has a terrible price--- absence of vision.

People have asked me: "What is your dream?" I have no answer. Now part of the problem is making that question too big...too important. But a larger part has to do with how I have fit into the world. "What is your dream Roy?" ..."I dunno...what do YOU want it to be?" So it is no surprise that I can't imagine myself thin. It would mean people would see me. I would have nothing to hide behind. With weight loss the comfortable fog of anonymity lifts and you are ..exposed. There you are, a person with opinions and everything! hah It is almost like standing for something...having a dream of my own. Making a life on my own terms. No rules...no expectations... Just me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to weigh 200 lbs. The drama of saying I lost 200 pounds is unimaginable to me. But, rather than focusing on that, I am going to focus on cooking, and meeting my daily goals at the gym. I have so so so so many great people around me that the gym is a place I love to go.

I will keep moving forward because they are there. And because I want to have a turn at the wheel of MY life. I want to create something for once that I want...no one else...me.

Thank you again for reading.

Tomorrows plan:

Zumba

Walk/bike

Maybe step

bfast: Fiber one and soy milk with Banana.

Lunch: Roast or Turkey Sandwich

Dinner: Roast or nachos with lean ground beef.

Here's to another day!

I plan to write more often (albeit shorter) to keep myself on track with having a plan.

Thank you so

Roy

Devotion

Maybe I am too attached to this. I mean, I am NOT my weight, but it sure feels like it sometimes. After all, there IS a war on obesity right now.. don't tell them where I live OK? Imagine the scene... a team of white lab-coated dietitians scurrying for cover while I throw lemon bars and fatty meats toward them. I will make it RAIN MILK CHOCOLATE---- MOTHERS! But seriously, I try to dis identify with the number on the scale and I can't. Maybe this is part of the problem.. I can't imagine myself any smaller. I don't have a clue what I would look like or feel like. Sometimes this imagination-block happens in music.
It could be playing a passage over and over with a glitch then discovering that when you sing it...you sing the glitch. In this way, the part of the music that is hanging us up..has made it to our imagination. When you work out the glitch with your voice (free from an external instrument) often when you go back...it plays itself. So in art...imagination is the overlord of reality. It births all known things. Paintings, sounds, dance, buildings...every human endeavor existed as a thought first.
Over-Attachment to music happens too.. It means too much sometimes. It can make me happy or sad. It has too much power. I mean it holds a reverent place in my life, but I am NOT music. I am not my trombone...my piano..my writing. I am separate from all of that and I am USING music to reveal myself...to you...and to me. They call music (and all art) a discipline. Think of a disciple... Why are they devoted? We have free will...so why? Could it be love? Could we want to follow something out of love or reverence? Slide Hampton (Trombone/World Renown composer) talks about why he practices. I remember he said "Music has given me so much, so I practice to give it back"
Pardon my aside with the music example BUT the same principles apply with weight. I am having a hard time imagining myself thinner. So there is my first problem. The second problem has to do with misuse of discipline. I started wanting to move because it made me feel more focused and happy. It made me want to do things...and it helped me get things done. I felt devoted to it because it was changing my life. It wasn't all about my size when I started this time. Somehow, the drive to push myself became less about becoming stronger and faster, and more about "when the hell am I going to lose weight?" I lost sight of why I started out to begin with. I lost my devotion...my discipleship. I want to be thinner...it's true. But more than that, I want to be devoted to my mind...body...my sense of who I am without any labels (talented...funny..sweet..fat..thin..)...devoted to a life that I stumbled upon all by riding my bike with no idea where I might end up.
So I am starting again tomorrow. I am going to go see my friends at the gym. I am going to push...because I can...and that is a miracle. I am going to be happier...and more focused...and I will devote time to the people and the things I love. My wife, friends, animals, the trombone, my garden. I am going to do this because my body will allow it. And because it gives me that...I will give back.

Thank you!

Roy

Food, Weight, and Our World View.

"Your relationship to food is an unexpected path to almost everything. It is doorway, not a wall, an opening, not a closing. All that you believe about love, change, joy and possibility is revealed in how, when and what you eat. The world is on your plate." ---- Geneen Roth

These words ring true as I refocus my commitment to change. For me, all of this experience has been a doorway. It has lead me to discover...or rather..UNcover who I am. Although this is mostly a positive experience, there are times when I have come face to face with my oppressor. It takes many guises...the perfectionist, "Good Time" Roy, depression. It is also a surrogate...for comfort, sensuality, love. As a matter of fact, I had a rough day. I didn't think I played my trombone all that well today. It made me sad...I mean..I love it. I love to play and just want to sound they way I imagine it...but today I didn't. I made it safely to my coffee shop...Ugly Mugs. But in order to make it here, I had to make it through a GAUNTLET of fast food and tons of triggering self-talk/labeling. This would have been a no-brainer in years past. I would have asked Kristie if she wanted to get Mexican food and we would have...I would have damaged my health and the health of someone I love very very much. As I write this, my eyes well up a little...because I know it's true. I have done a lot of damage. All over not being enough. Good enough, talented enough, strong enough, thin enough. Not enough. So there is a stand in--- FOOD...when I really need a hug or some sort of connection/ word of encouragement I just want to eat. I didn't...but god..I wanted to.
Instead of feeding my wife (and myself) more toxic food...I will cook for us. It is not what I WANT to do...but it is what I will do.
Now look, I am telling you this not for sympathy but because I want you to SEE what happens and how connected belief systems/emotions are to weight and food. It is an illustration. This stuff is real. So many people don't believe it. They say "stop eating so much"..."be moderate". It is not ABOUT food. It IS about what we believe to be true about ourselves. And let me tell you something...if what we believe leads us this far off course...it isn't true. If you can't muster the strength to argue with the voices at least look at their heading. Working the problem backwards, I see that I am in a body that is a reflection of my world view. "It isn't safe and you can't handle it" leads to extra weight. "You will never be enough" Leads to toxic behavior.


A doorway, not a wall

I have to believe this is true. Symbolically, I am against a wall. A plateau. No weight loss no matter what I do. Stuck. I suppose we are to keep pressing on the wall..until it gives way.

An opening, not a closing.

This one I actually get. My life before this Epiphany was a closed book. I didn't KNOW it, but it was. I couldn't have made any kind of connection with you if I WANTED to. Life itself was sort of inaccessible to me. Now, even though there are rough times..I have access.

All you believe about Love:

Worthy/not worthy. Love is for skinny people. Love is not for the morbidly obese. The flip side/new way of looking at it is---love is for human beings. We all qualify. Love, affection, sensuality/sexuality, love of what we do...all of it belongs to us.

Change:

Change is too hard. My life will be shorter, but at least I can coast through. New way/ change is not easy..but I get to meet someone I never really knew...me.


Joy:

THIS is the one I THOUGHT I knew! I didn't. Joy is not about laughing all the time. Fact is, we can laugh at tragedy and feel nothing but sadness. Joy is seeing the union of the mundane and the magnificent. It is saying "this is the best day ever" for NO REASON. (and believing it) Seeing something/someone you see everyday and noticing something new. When WE change..the entire world changes with us...because the world is how we perceive it.

POSSIBILITY

What if:

I am already enough

My life JUST started

Weight did not determine what I did

I wasn't controlled

Life was manageable without a crutch

I am like you

We aren't alone?

What would life look like on your own terms? You decide where you go, what you do, how you do it. Would YOUR body change with this new world view? Is your body already there?

:)

Mine is getting there...

Roy

Meant to be??

Will it ever happen for me? Will I EVER really lose weight? I. Don't. Know. I have no way OF knowing. I still weigh the same. Hovering over 300 lbs. This feels impossible. I mean I am working out hard...sometimes once...sometimes twice. I am logging my food. I am changing shape..(I look different) BUT NO WEIGHT LOSS. I know I know...it's probably muscle. Well, I have the thought "A pound of muscle and a pound of fat weigh the same...a POUND". Uggghhhhh If ever I have thought of quitting, now would be the time. Can it be that I am MEANT to be overweight??? Defeated by my own DNA...my own body??


Well...plans remain the same...even with discouragement and a sense of "trying to change the unchangeable" I go. I hate to admit this, but I have heard/hear "You should just accept yourself the way you are...losing weight just means you will gain it back...you aren't moderate...you are going down a road that ends with you becoming BIGGER!" "You need to be really careful...you might have a heart attack" "A guy your size shouldn't jump" " Don't jog..it's too much impact for someone YOUR SIZE" On and on the voices go...opinions...my best interest at heart. At the end of all of these tapes are the old "Ok...well I might as well ENJOY my life." "Let's have a CHEESE PARTY!!!!" But now, there are new voices emerging. Spoken by people I see everyday and now becoming part of my inner dialogue. "You are doing amazing work" "You are an inspiration" "You CAN do it" "You are busting ass" "Just because you are a big guy doesn't mean you can't do it"

The debate rages on in my head...but today, I must admit...the old team has the ball. The cannots are winning today. I am writing you from Rosepepper Cantina where I have ordered chicken fajitas with no butter or oil. I am writing in part to keep myself out of the chips...although it's not really working. I plan on counting (estimating) the calories in this meal...not gonna sweep it under the rug. So this is a slip in real-time...not an "after the event" report but a blow by blow commentary on how scary it is to feel out of control right NOW...but at least I am talking...not just giving up.. (Even if it is in virtual reality) If I can get a foothold on these feelings I will do Nikole's class at 5:30 today.

I really really want to lose this weight. Yes it is a number...but have you ever been told you were uninsurable? Ever been labeled "excessive"? How about a personal fave---"Morbidly Obese"?
God...it sounds like a rancid ball of hot liquid DEATH. These are situations and labels that are ALSO based on a number. I have lived through being "Husky" when I was a kid to "Plus sized" as an adolescent to "Big and Tall" as an adult. I am sick of it. And this is only a SMALL part of why I want to change. The real reasons have to do with living life. Yes disease and death---being labeled...I guess they motivate. BUT, for me, it's all the things I want to experience for the first time that REALLY do it. Death doesn't turn me on....LIFE does.

This is hard. I will continue..but I really need to feel like I am going somewhere. I need it.


Thank you so much..

Roy

Seeing the same thing with different eyes.

Hello!

Since last time we spoke, I started incorporating eating out again. We went to J. Alexander's to celebrate a friends success. Here is what I noticed about the experience:

The sounds:

I used to really love the party atmosphere. The clanking and the voices..the lighting. On this night, I found myself becoming annoyed with the noise. There were people laughing loudly and a kid clanking incessantly on a sugar dispenser. I could only think..."I wish it were quieter"

The soda:

An endless sea of carbonated goodness. The way it prickles when you drink it. Lovely! Except...I forgot how bloody full I feel when it settles. I also noticed that it generates a sort of "manic" state in regards to eating my food. I wanted to eat faster..I wanted to talk less..I wanted to check my e-mail...look around..I WANTED to isolate in a CROWDED room. It is hard for me to tell if all of it was related to the soda...but it did accelerate everything.

The Food:

I tried to be as healthy as I could. I got a Thai Kai salad, Baked Potato (everything on the side), Huge Broccoli Stalk. I figured if I load down on veggies I have a better chance of feeling satisfied. I know that if I ate a hamburger and french fries...there would not be enough volume. The food tasted great! I love the salad and the crunch of the Broccoli. Everything tasted wonderful.

Aftermath:

3:15 a.m. I have to get up to have a FOOD BABY. God I was so hung over! I didn't think I ate that much! But I ate more than I am currently eating at home. So, I am not used to it! Wow...it did NOT feel good. I had to choke down bfast...(the great stabilizer)

Overall:

The experience wasn't as wonderful as it once was. I felt like curling into a ball because I was overstimulated, over carbonated, and overfed. The worst part of it, is I overate at my Sunday night potluck...it was like eating out triggered the monster.

So, here I am regulating things and getting back into the swing of it. I have a new Bodybugg (bodybugg.com) and I plan on doing at least 2 workouts tomorrow (just because I have time)
I can feel myself slipping back into an old way. The way that has taken so much away from me. I don't want to have this happen. So, tomorrow, I will fight.


I have something that has been bothering me a bit that I will speak of the next time I write. But right now, I want to know how YOU are doing. Weight loss for some of us is a rewiring of our brains. It requires that we change every small decision we make. It is easy to slip back into the "way things were" because it's easier / more convenient/ draws less criticism/ the way things are done/ kids wont eat that way/ husband doesn't like seafood/ wife is afraid of change/
Believe me, they are all valid. Really. But if we step outside ourselves for just a second, we will see that the voice that explains away our opportunities for realization...is the same voice that makes our "comfort zones" smaller and smaller. This process can have us feeling like we are an island pretty quickly. Often, being overweight/addicted and being lonely go hand in hand...I think what I just described is a large part of why. So I challenge you to challenge your dialogue in the coming days...

You can't walk/cycle/go to the gym/run/swim. Prepare healthy food/know what you are eating/how many calories/drink enough water.

Really?

It is hard for me too. I get it. But I believe in you JUST like you believe in me.

Roy

Dis-couragement.

Goofy photo:
"Too Close For Missles
Switching To Guns"
From: Top Gun (Got this shirt from 80stees.com) haha
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I have been trying to lose the same 3 to 6 pounds for a while now. I am doing everything "right" and still I gain..or stay the same. Up and down I go so close to a major milestone for me. I want to get beyond this impossible wall so so much. Yesterday I burned close to 4,000 calories in exercise alone. Today around 1000. I am also eating healthfully. I did the "low carb thing" for a while...(less than 30 carbs a day) but cannot see why eating vegetables or a limited number (2 servings a day) of whole grains would be bad. SO I changed that. PLUS I couldn't shit! Something is horribly wrong when an entire body system just goes DOWN! For the love of all that is holy THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. In the wild, if it got to that point ya know what happened? YOU DIED. That's right....DIED. What was life expectancy for cave men anyway...like a month?? oh well... So I started eating vegetables again...(how dare I) All kidding aside, I do feel very discouraged...or do I?
Sometimes, I like to look at a word I have heard all of my life. I mean REALLY look at it. Let's take DISCOURAGE. DIS-COURAGE...Dis means "lack of", and courage well means bravery or will. So, when I feel discouraged, I don't feel defeated. I feel angry. I am talking angry inside...when I talk to others I know the appropriate social expressions for discouragement...mopy face..downturn eyes..sad voice. But this is incongruent with what I actually feel. I feel rage. I feel controlled and held down. Instead of giving up, I turn that rage hungry machine on myself. I don't want to be inactive..I want to hurt...me. This is true in every area of life. I hate it about myself. In my head is a voice that says "you are meant to be here..no matter what." "Fuck it...I quit..lets go get something to eat." It isn't complacent resignation. Instead, it is a direct attack. I know that if that is active in my system...I haven't lost courage...it is just pointing the wrong way. I am pointing the gun THE WRONG WAY! Make no mistake, I am feeling pretty bad about my gain, but I cannot afford for my addict to run the show. It has to be me. It has to be my way. I have been working so hard and lots of people have noticed that I look different but still I hover and hover. "They are being nice" "THEY know you haven't REALLY lost weight" AAAHHHHH!!! I plan on continuing my exercise regimen but I will need to change it up. I am going to start using weights again and maybe adding swimming into the mix as well. My food? Lean and homemade, 1 lb of veggies...2 gallons of water. If shooting for a 5,000-8,000 burn a day and eating clean DOESN'T get me there I don't know what the hell I will do. I am going to trust I suppose.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

God I pray that this is the right thing.

Wow... It has been a few days. I have a lot on my mind and have worked a lot so that's why...but I miss it when I don't get to check in.

First, my dad. The doctor told me that they were pretty sure he has Lymphoma in his bone marrow. It is a disease which he has had for a while and it has gotten a bit more aggressive. The tumors he has in his body have gotten larger but still the treatment remains mild. They are going to treat his cancer with an antibody rather than chemo at this point, which seems not as scary but I guess we will know more as we go along. Daddy seems like he is ok though. It is hard to read his will and think about his mortality...the house...the property..the funeral. It all makes me sad. But it is good to be prepared.
I have changed. A lot. I mean, mentally I am really happy for the first time in....well...maybe ever. It scares me because I have not been really awake for this long. 37 years of wandering around in a sleepy haze filled with decadent, brain altering cuisine. But now, after however many days of not eating out, I have some distance on a destructive pattern that ruled me. I am not sure if I will make it the rest of the year..but I DO want it to retain it's proper perspective. I hate to be controlled! Coming out of this 37 year old food coma carries with it GREAT risk. My mind is filled with perilous "what ifs"

WHAT IF

people think I am shallow
I am not that great a guy after all
My wife won't like me anymore
We don't have anything in common any more?
I lose my sense of humor

I won't bore you with more..(I think you get the idea). The real question is...Are the "risks" worth it? Honestly...yes. Don't misunderstand, I would be devastated if these things were true. Really. Wiped out. BUT how fair is it that I don't know what it is like NOT to fear an airplane seat? NOT to be nervous that a little kid will point me out and tell people "I'm big". How fair is it that I walked around for so many years secretly hating "happy people". I don't like saying that out loud. But it's true..I wanted to be dark before they could get to me. Before people could attack, I was ready...by being mentally "at the ready". How fair is it that I self-deprecate JUST to lower others expectations? What happens if:

I am happy and sure of myself
I am strong enough to handle what comes
I see the best in people and act accordingly
I know love in a new way
I protect my wife, rather than enable her.
I believe people see me as good
kind
smart
talented
and open.
to them
to others
to myself?

What happens then? What is life really like with all of this in place? Well....I. Don't. Know. Not yet. This blog isn't about not eating out. It isn't really about weight loss or recipes or exercise. This blog is about running headlong into a black fog---into a reality that is literally unknown...at least to me. Instead of writing to you from the "other side", where it is all "figured out", you will see me as I fumble through the dark. I tell you this because, I have been stalling. I have been unsure whether to continue. Maybe I should slow down. Maybe I should be "more moderate". Maybe, I am not supposed to be "that guy" who loses weight and becomes like "everyone else". Well, I don't want to stall. I want to move forward. I want to see what it is like.

So, here is my plan.

On days when I am not working a bunch, I will be taking a 6 a.m. class...doing some weights...a walk, bike or swim...A 5:30 p.m. class or swim (with Kristie). On the weekends or on days when we are both off, I will be walking or hiking with her. My plan is about 4 hours of exercise spread throughout the day. I would LOVE to burn 5,000 calories in exercise a day (for a total of 8,000 calories burned) I don't know if I can. If I can't...ok. But I will know for SURE that I can't. This is a similar regimen to the biggest loser (they actually do a little more) but I want to try. The food will be around 1800 calories and a LOT of veggies. 4 servings of veggies 3 of protein 2 of grain..1 (200 cal) of a freebie (treat or a really fatty item such as avocado) I am going to run as hard as I can in this direction and TRUST that life will be as good there as it is here. This is my plan. I have hovered at 3 or 4 pounds above 300 lbs like a frightened child climbing his first steps. I am willing to fall now. God I pray that it is going to be the right thing to do.

Thank you for wading through the heaviness of these posts...I know it is intense...If you are following along and doing your version of a "shift in reality"...I am proud of you. People like you strengthen the backbone of our race. If you are just reading along...thank you so much. People like YOU help people like ME find courage.
If you are not reading this...you owe me money...like a bunch of money. Send it now.

Thank you!

Roy

GET UP

I suppose with any endeavour continuous refocusing is required. I tend to think in absolutes. If you do X --it will always lead to Y. That could go for anything from playing music to losing weight. "If I do long tones, I will be a great player" "If I run a mile a day, I will lose weight" Neither are true by themselves..they are a piece of the puzzle...but not the whole picture. Fact is, it takes more than just exercise to lose weight. It takes a commitment to healthy food AND exercise. It also takes an examination of self. Really looking at what controls us and makes us want to hide from ourselves. I have experienced a set-back. I have gained a little weight back. I am not surprised since my bender a few nights ago with a bottle (or 3) of wine. Plus, I went on the road and ate too much. So here I am having to pick up where I left off. I went to Zumba and Sports Conditioning for the past couple of days and am starting to feel reconnected to my routine again. I also am watching my calories closely and I'm starting to feel my body responding again.
Today, I go to the doctor with my Dad. I will find out more and when I do, you will know more too. It is my understanding that we doing a marrow biopsy today. So, here we go..maybe nothing is wrong. If there is, I guess we are up for a fight. We will see. Fear will not rule me. "Take the next step" is my current motto.
In other news, I am SO FREAKING SORE. I have done 2 days of morning plus evening workouts and I feel like my body has just given out. I push so hard to get through. I have to get angry sometimes to make it. If you see a look of rampage on my face, don't worry...it's not you..it's me.
So I feel like I am doing pretty well, although the perfectionist in me doesn't like anything but forward momentum. But, sometimes, it isn't about throwing punches so much as it is TAKING a punch. It is about getting up again. Over and over. Accepting the setback. Get up. Gain some weight? Get up. Someone hurt you? Get up. Lose your job? Get up. Feel like you can't do it? Get up. Feel like you will fail? Get up...get up get...up. When we take the punch, get up, accept a setback, or otherwise fly in the face of fear we walk in faith that we can handle what comes. Make NO MISTAKE here...all of the above mentioned things hurt. A lot. And some of the greatest leaders in history have felt the same terrible feelings associated with failure and tragedy BUT they felt those feelings while they tried again. I will keep trying in ALL areas of my life. One thing I have learned is---I can take pain.

Thank you for everything.

You are appreciated very much,

Roy

Slippery Slopes.

I am terrified. I think my dad is really sick. I say "I think" because I don't really know. I will know more on Wednesday. I am taking him to the doctor so I can personally hear what they say. If his "counts are up", then I want to know what that means. If he needs treatment, I want to know what sort. My dad told my brother that he has been trying to gain weight and can't. This scares the shit out of me. I hope that everything works out to be OK. I guess I just wasn't really ready to think about his mortality yet. Even if he is fine, just the thought is terrifying enough. I didn't think it would come so soon. It seems like yesterday that one of my worst fears came true with mom's passing...and now the possibility of his..I hope that I am just worrying. Please let this be panic.

I am obligated to tell you about how this affects food and weight issues right now. It seems like these are completely meaningless, but you need to know that it is very important to me and requires all of my strength. All of it. This possible illness, along with some other challenging aspects of life, feels like it is more than I can handle. I am on serious shaky ground with food right now. I want to eat out so badly. SO badly. I don't have any food ready right now and I am starving. I have music due (thank god) and feel that old familiar "I am out of time" crunch that led to so many afternoons eating something to soothe the "Empty". Worry...rogue worry. I am sooo much better about that, but today, I am just sitting thinking of loss. Real loss I have experienced, and the thought of new. Going hand in hand with these, are the thoughts of all that I am not. All the shortcomings. I think this happens because I see mortality in others and I scramble for an exemption to the very thing that makes us human. Awareness. Awareness of our death...of our life...of ourselves. I want to put all of that to bed. The bad thoughts come in these times.. "I want to be a success before it's too late...be thin..good looking...finally be what I am supposed to be...no longer a disappointment...finally worthy". But this process, I have learned, is a panic response and has little (if anything) to do with reality.

This is reality as I see it.

I love my parents. I have had many years with them.
I am my father's son. He is the funniest man I know. Period.
My Father is ALIVE and seems well.
All life ceases. Mine will one day...so will his.
My dad is strong. As hell. Always was. He is brave and can face whatever comes.

As far as I go,

I am a worthy person. Worthy of love, respect, support, kindness.
I am a success. Monetary, personal, inter-personal.
I am becoming more in shape everyday. I work hard....very hard.
Objectively, I am good looking. Using an artists eye, I see that I have lots of great
lines in my face and body.

Old thoughts lead to old actions. I write these words not just for you to see but to use as alternative to eating. I write these words to save my own life. Not just "be around" for a long time. Honestly, I don't give a shit about "being around". I want to LIVE. That means that I ACTIVELY LIVE my life. Do the things I want...be free. Free of this...well...whatever it is. Use my mind and my body and my creativity..humor..presence for a life WELL- LIVED.

So I will face the rest of this day. Try to get some things done. Try not to imagine problems that don't yet (and may never) exist. Be healthy and happy. Live in the face of mortality. Do my best.


Thank you again

Roy

P.S. When asked if Daddy had "talked to the preacher" at church, he said...."ABOUT WHAT?"

hahah

Meeting in the middle.

Yesterday was bad. Well, let me rephrase... Lot's of good things happened. I heard music I wrote come to life. It was good. I am proud of what I wrote...it reminded me of my heroes. I played my trombone well. It means a lot to me to play it well. I like to hear whatever is in my imagination become a realized sound and that goes for writing and playing. So, THAT was a plus. I misunderstood a client and made a mistake. I felt pretty badly about it. Someone else got frustrated because he only had a part and not a score and snapped at me. I hate that shit. Fact is, I had to write everything on breaks between tunes and ran out of time for the luxuries. I don't think I have ever really snapped at someone as I try to remain respectful but..not everyone is like me. I did my best..fuck it. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. I learned that my Dad MAY have bone cancer of some sort. I will know more later, but he said, "I'm 77 years old and a marrow biopsy hurts like hell" I told him I loved him...he said "I love you too boy." We never did that. Yesterday was the first time. I am SO open with everyone but it has always been hard for me to be open with him. I'm not ready for this IF cancer is coming. Momma has been gone 5 years and I. am. not. ready. I hurt a lot yesterday. I got terribly drunk. I ate carbs. I was a drunk carb eater. haha god..it hurts to laugh.

Well, as far as this weight/fitness/reclaim you life and soul blog goes, I intend to keep walking the walk. Doing what it takes to win a terrible war despite what hardships may present themselves. BUT, as with all addictions, perfectionism does present itself from time to time.

Perfectionism is a highly praised and desirable distortion. It is the workaholic...the person who needs it to "be" a certain way. It makes us control, manipulate, and has us running scared all of the time. A ceaseless ellipse in which nothing matters more than the very next thing. There are no moments of reflection...no chances to relish a victory..no hours of contentment. Perfectionism isn't something we "need to be better about" It is something we have to actively fight because the flip of perfectionism is a form of, what I call, aggressive apathy. It goes beyond "oh well...I blew it" into a "I messed up...fuck this. I am blowing it OUT" It is the voice of addiction saying..."come home now." The only way I know to fight this is to catch the first stage...the "perfect" stage of the equation. Emotional law of physics...every emotion has an equal and opposite emotion. The stronger the feeling...often (especially when aimed at ourselves) the stronger the swing back. I am trying to live in a shade of grey.

I tell you this, because I am not going to make 365 days. I lose. I failed. I am not perfect. I am meeting a bus tonight to go to Ohio to play a gig. Today's project was to get a cooler and prepare six meals and snacks for the 2 days. This "to do" list had me staring at the ceiling in bed for over an hour this morning. All I could think about was "how in God's precious name am I going to A. MAKE all of this food B. Transport it on a BUS with NO guarantee of a microwave." I had the thought...I can take healthy snacks and be prepared, but if I need to eat out, I will. I am determined to make the right decisions and I WILL reach my goals.

I will admit to you, that this is a terribly slippery slope, but it is one that I will have to learn to navigate eventually.


I am back in my routine today after slipping a bit yesterday. Most of you don't know me well enough to know what kind of fight is in me...but I am a warrior. My mom used to say, "Roy, you are a born leader." She was right but, as it turned out, the one I lead was me.


Thank you for your support and love and for reading this blog.

Roy

The Wall

THE WALL

A secret haven to rest the facade
The fabricated joy and the put on a happy face
The easy going "I'm ok, You're ok"
Sit and rest against it
The impoverished soul who knows no outside world.

I am 3 pounds away. 3 pounds from breaking the 300 barrier. 3 pounds. It gives me an opportunity to reflect. Also a chance to see ALL the walls in my life.

Walls aren't all bad. They provide support. They keep out the weather, the hot and cold. The protect our privacy. But, have you ever been in a house that has too many? Getting around...pain in the ass. Every few steps, you are turning on a dime just to get from the living to the kitchen a few feet away. OR, have you ever been behind a wall that you don't want to be behind? You can't see someone else's face or the show. Obviously I am using "the wall" as a metaphor, but the same ideas apply.

Structure (Support)

Routines. Doing the same things for your own sake of sanity and well being. Like supporting walls in a house, they are the building block for a life. For me, they are my classes at the Y. Seeing the same faces and receiving their support AND watching them fight to do the class with me. We are all in it together. I like it. Ugly Mugs. Again, a lot of the same friends and it's easy to make new ones! Blogging. Providing myself with support and hearing from all of YOU. It's like an isolation buster.

Structure (Confinement)

All the things that have a positive role in my life also have an evil twin. You can hide behind structure. One's life can be demanding ---at the beck and call of others. A certain amount of this is required when we take on roles...workplace...mother and father..husband wife... But we can easily lose ourselves if we aren't careful. For example, I have had an incredibly busy day and have work due as we speak. Because I feel stress, I have cravings. I also found that eating was an inconvenience that I couldn't afford today. I cooked anyway...and now..I am blogging. It is very very important not to lose one's touchstones of sanity. Being a people pleaser is a trap I am familiar with. I don't want you to be disappointed in me, even if it means I disappoint myself.

Barrier (Protection)

Protection is something we all need. We need to keep out the elements. We need to keep the animals out. We are vulnerable and must protect our frailty. It feels good to be protected...

Barrier (Isolation)

When the instinct to "protect" ourselves becomes overrun, we are cut off from everything that makes us thrive. Our comfort zone becomes less and less until we are left with a comfort "strip". For me, I have been severed from being..connected. The worst part...I have been severed from myself. I don't really know myself very well.. Now, I am learning ---for the first time.

I feel things I have never really felt. I think most people go through this in puberty...I am starting just this side of middle age. BUT, I will go with it. hah!

My plan is to eat a carb mindful and nutritious diet...get plenty of interaction with people and go to Nikole's 5:30 PM class this evening. I am knocking on the 200's door. I hope it answers soon.

I will keep you posted.

Roy

P.S. share one of YOUR walls with us...

Thank you soooo much for all of your kindness and support. You are important. really.