Food, Weight, and Our World View.

"Your relationship to food is an unexpected path to almost everything. It is doorway, not a wall, an opening, not a closing. All that you believe about love, change, joy and possibility is revealed in how, when and what you eat. The world is on your plate." ---- Geneen Roth

These words ring true as I refocus my commitment to change. For me, all of this experience has been a doorway. It has lead me to discover...or rather..UNcover who I am. Although this is mostly a positive experience, there are times when I have come face to face with my oppressor. It takes many guises...the perfectionist, "Good Time" Roy, depression. It is also a surrogate...for comfort, sensuality, love. As a matter of fact, I had a rough day. I didn't think I played my trombone all that well today. It made me sad...I mean..I love it. I love to play and just want to sound they way I imagine it...but today I didn't. I made it safely to my coffee shop...Ugly Mugs. But in order to make it here, I had to make it through a GAUNTLET of fast food and tons of triggering self-talk/labeling. This would have been a no-brainer in years past. I would have asked Kristie if she wanted to get Mexican food and we would have...I would have damaged my health and the health of someone I love very very much. As I write this, my eyes well up a little...because I know it's true. I have done a lot of damage. All over not being enough. Good enough, talented enough, strong enough, thin enough. Not enough. So there is a stand in--- FOOD...when I really need a hug or some sort of connection/ word of encouragement I just want to eat. I didn't...but god..I wanted to.
Instead of feeding my wife (and myself) more toxic food...I will cook for us. It is not what I WANT to do...but it is what I will do.
Now look, I am telling you this not for sympathy but because I want you to SEE what happens and how connected belief systems/emotions are to weight and food. It is an illustration. This stuff is real. So many people don't believe it. They say "stop eating so much"..."be moderate". It is not ABOUT food. It IS about what we believe to be true about ourselves. And let me tell you something...if what we believe leads us this far off course...it isn't true. If you can't muster the strength to argue with the voices at least look at their heading. Working the problem backwards, I see that I am in a body that is a reflection of my world view. "It isn't safe and you can't handle it" leads to extra weight. "You will never be enough" Leads to toxic behavior.


A doorway, not a wall

I have to believe this is true. Symbolically, I am against a wall. A plateau. No weight loss no matter what I do. Stuck. I suppose we are to keep pressing on the wall..until it gives way.

An opening, not a closing.

This one I actually get. My life before this Epiphany was a closed book. I didn't KNOW it, but it was. I couldn't have made any kind of connection with you if I WANTED to. Life itself was sort of inaccessible to me. Now, even though there are rough times..I have access.

All you believe about Love:

Worthy/not worthy. Love is for skinny people. Love is not for the morbidly obese. The flip side/new way of looking at it is---love is for human beings. We all qualify. Love, affection, sensuality/sexuality, love of what we do...all of it belongs to us.

Change:

Change is too hard. My life will be shorter, but at least I can coast through. New way/ change is not easy..but I get to meet someone I never really knew...me.


Joy:

THIS is the one I THOUGHT I knew! I didn't. Joy is not about laughing all the time. Fact is, we can laugh at tragedy and feel nothing but sadness. Joy is seeing the union of the mundane and the magnificent. It is saying "this is the best day ever" for NO REASON. (and believing it) Seeing something/someone you see everyday and noticing something new. When WE change..the entire world changes with us...because the world is how we perceive it.

POSSIBILITY

What if:

I am already enough

My life JUST started

Weight did not determine what I did

I wasn't controlled

Life was manageable without a crutch

I am like you

We aren't alone?

What would life look like on your own terms? You decide where you go, what you do, how you do it. Would YOUR body change with this new world view? Is your body already there?

:)

Mine is getting there...

Roy