In my heart, there lies a prayer.
More of a song than a spoken plea,
Growing louder
throughout my life
The prayer is about finding my way.
Please guide me.
Take me to the place
I wish to go
Even when I don't know where.
I assumed you didn't hear me,
That I was really alone.
As I surrendered,
Wandered lonely nights
There you were.
Waiting like a patient parent
Waiting
For their babies first step
"Just walk a few steps this way",
"Make your way this direction
You will still wonder where to go
But you will be on your own
Feet".
I am still lost. Really. I spend a good bit of time confused. Especially lately. Nothing really specific, just a sense of "what will happen"? It seems like I have had my head down working on this exercise and diet stuff and all of the sudden I look up and I am different. I am different in every way and I wonder..."How the hell did I get here"? Even though I feel this sort of bewilderment, I feel beauty around me. I feel beautiful...not looking beautiful, that's not what I mean, but rather, I sense a feeling of beauty inside of me.
My mother always said that I was a sunny child. Meaning, I was content and infectious. She said I would start laughing and no one would know what I was laughing at. I was just laughing.
I assumed that I outgrew that person. I was just a kid. I am more mature now. I have struggles..issues...things to lose..things to gain. Bills... And yet recently, I have felt this sunny child re emerge. Just a couple of nights ago I was driving home and I noticed that everything looked so beautiful to me. In the darkness of the night the shadows looked really pretty to me. Then I felt silly...and I started to laugh. Just like my mom said I used to do. So maybe this little boy isn't dead after all. Maybe he had to be unlocked...set free.
This work I have been doing had made me face everything I have been afraid to see. All the issues and the courage to fight has lead me to a previous incarnation of myself. One that is more alive than I imagined I would ever be.
The running and the Y (plus the community of people associated with them) continue to inspire and be a huge part of my life. I can feel that I have lost more weight and am hopeful that it will continue. The experience of this process spills into other areas of my life. Music, personal relationships, how I hold myself. All things grow.
I want to thank you for your continued readership and support. YOU are the reason I have the strength I need.
Roy
2 comments:
Your mom was a very very lucky woman to have such an amazing son like you.
Kerry
I have also started to look at the larger pattern of who I have been, am, am trying to be ... I look at my kids and I see that we are born with a clean slate and we are naive to anything other than happiness and as they grow their experiences and the world in general change them, I was digging through old videos of my now 10 year old when he was 3 and 4, I caught myself crying because my very serious 10 year old was this light-hearted smiley happy little boy who loved everything and everyone. It isn't that he isn't still a lovely child - he has just seen and experienced things (like the tragic death of a friend, homework, life changes etc.) that are shaping who he is.
Most people will never in their lives look within, face and break through the challenging roadblocks... life can sometimes be easier being miserable than actually just dealing with something - I think the beauty you see is your reward for kicking ass and a message that you can and you are and you will continue to grow and shine ;)
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