Stand.

My story is not unlike many others...maybe it is a lot like yours. Maybe you felt like you knew who you were. Comfortable. Not perfect but we found a way to make it "work". Settled. Maybe, like me, some of you realized later that you had no idea what was in you. Maybe you got here by pushing yourself....or circumstance...or both. It doesn't matter much how we got here, I think what matters is where would we like to end up. Nature, being at BEST cryptic, has no definitive answer for us. Instead it boils down to a matter of faith. Faith and trust in not only God as we know it, but in who we are ...today...right now. I believe that the mere awareness that were are "awake" is a hint. It tells us that we are not alone. That we have a partnership with something larger than us. And sometimes that "something" wants us to live in accordance with it.

This is where I am. I realize that an issue I have is to live for others. I am a voluntary servant. I swallowed my voice, my needs, my hopes, anger, and personality. I digested all of this along with too much food. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I may lie, hide, downplay inconveniences, search for fulfillment in the wrong places. I will absolutely eat, drink, and laugh my way out of the hole. In this way, all these problems become about "being heavy". That is an easier problem to solve. Diet. Run. Whatever...straightforward. In case you are wondering, yes this is what I did....at first. Along the way though, I have started to realize I am running from all of this shit. Yes I lost weight. I am proud. Yes I am strong. But I am not running anymore. I want to stand and fight for the things I so willingly gave away.

I deserve to feel independent.

to be loved.

to live for me too.

to choose..really choose.

to have a voice

to be ok when someone is disappointed in me.

I do not want to be a wounded child anymore. I don't want to feel like everyone else's guardian. Trying to make the world richer, in part...led to my poverty.

I am sorry for the sadness I have caused. If I did something and you wondered why doesn't he just say no? I really am sorry. I am sorry for the sadness and disappointment that may result from living my truth. But mostly, I am sorry I lost a complete, beautiful man along the way. I am in the business of finding him. Whatever the price I need to feel whole.

My weight will continue to drop. I will be running...going to the Y...eating well...tracking it. I am going to make it to my goal. But I ran as hard as I could in this direction only to look up and see a different world. One that looks beautiful to me..

Thank you for all of your help.

We will talk soon,

Roy