Labor of Love

So, here I am. I have not weighed in 3 weeks (maybe more...not sure.) I am down 2 more pants sizes. I am embarrassed to tell you, but (in the spirit of the blog), my highest pant size was 64. 64 inch waist. How do you get there?...how do you go beyond that? Fear. More on that in a moment... Anyway, now I am in a 48 pant looking at moving into a 46 (the 48s are getting loose) I notice that there is a V shape in my upper body and I am stronger in both quick bursts as well as long tests of endurance. My food plan also continues to evolve. For breakfast, I have started eating steel cut oats with Stevia, Sunflower, Pumpkin, Chia, and Hemp seeds. I eat an egg with egg whites as well. Look up the benefits of these seeds....ancient people ate them in abundance...it is pretty extraordinary what it does for us. I also try to eat a LARGE salad of dark leafy greens and lots of colorful veggies. I still drink a lot of water...distilled when possible. I am also cooking with coconut oil and drinking almond milk in the morning. Whew...that's a lot of change BUT it has been a little bit at a time. As far as exercise goes, I still do my classes but I also bike and work in my garden. I notice that the classes suddenly became easier for me. It was a sudden jump in level after I rested for a bit. My plan now is to be more regular at the classes again, but also continually change things around. The classes are great for me because of the PEOPLE. They mean more to me then they could know. What seems like a passing comment or an inviting attitude to them is a welcoming call to join the human race to me. It is like I have been hibernating in a well meaning but FAR over-protective cocoon for 37 years...and the faces I see on a regular basis are a reminder that there was never a need to hibernate at all.

SO. There we are. Let's talk about where I came from shall we? I came from a loving and kind family. Good good people. Generous to a fault and anyone who knew my mom or dad loved and respected them. My mother could always make anyone feel like they belonged. She was an excellent comforter. My dad has a direct world view. "If someone is sick, you outta help 'em. He doesn't email, text, use a cell phone or ever touch a computer. In fact, when my mom used a computer my dad said "Dorothy is in there playin Bingity-Bong." haha So...you get the picture? It is a comfortable, loving, and kind of isolated. My mom was a worrier. Everything had an element of danger. Food was a source of comfort to us both...but especially me. I have spent my life thus far in a low grade state of anxiety and depression. Luckily, I have found a medication that has helped me but I am convinced that my food issue is rooted in a belief that the "world" is unsafe for me. I can't handle it. Everything from worrying that I worry too much (nice.) to worry that I will never make enough money and be revealed as an impostor. The worry leads to a sense of "why bother" and I hide my shame in food. That shame is magnified when you become overweight and so it goes....on and on. Do you see how someone can be literally immobilized? I am not sure how I did it, but I saw what was happening to me and decided to really change it. What you are watching is the process of change. I think most people have it wrong when the commercialize this "change". You see a "Before" and "After" picture. The "Before" is dismal...the "After"... glorious. I really believe that MY change is rooted in genuine love for the man in the "Before" picture. I don't keep photos of myself fat to "motivate" me. I think that whole thing is bullshit. I am doing all of this for THAT man. The one who is looking to me to save him....from the terrors of his mind, the shame that permeates his life, the extra weight that locks down his dreams. I am doing this because I love that guy. He is a good man. I can tell you this about my life....there IS no "Before" or "After", it is all the same. Yes I plan on becoming smaller. Yes I will be stronger. But I will always have the same heart. The same soul lives in a house of 400 lbs, or 200. It is in service of this piece of eternity that I labor to change. In a way, it is like knowing some part of YOU..is some part of EVERYTHING and therefore, more powerful, and sacred, than any one person can be. So, I put my head down and work very very hard from the change, because I just now realized that I owe it to the man that I was, am, and will always be. Because I am a part of something bigger, more vast. I joined the human race.

Maybe I will see you in a class, walking, biking, or doing whatever you like to do?

I hope so :)

Roy

By the way....

Thank you.