Look what I found!!

This is the eve of a very special day for me. I am running a 5k at 7:30. It will be more than the 3.1 miles that make up the course...it will be a signpost in my life. Change is going to happen...to all of us. It is certain. What change, to a large (but not exclusive) degree, is up to us. What I am really pursuing is being more "me". Being more of the person I know myself to be. Have you ever lost yourself for a while? Well, it isn't like finding car keys or a rotten blueberry muffin in your car seat. (Some of my friends know what this is in reference to) It is more like...uncovering a forgotten place...like Archeology. As you uncover one piece, another is revealed and more of the story is told. THAT is what it is like to find out who you really are. This race is an excavation of self.

Everything has been locked up with me for many years. Never good enough a player...never "in shape" enough to go to an exercise class...never smart enough...just not enough. Then, something happened to me. I gave up. Sounds like the WORST thing in the world. But it isn't. What I ACTUALLY released was a form of attachment. Now, I know that word is thrown about and it makes me a little sick at times...but truly THAT is what was locking me up. HAVING to be great...NEEDING to be thin...NEVER wanting to look like I didn't know. All of this amounts to running your life in circles, a great amount of shame, and always feeling like an idiot. BUT once I decided to play music from a "hobby" space, I became a better player. I could follow my muse...I started to really like classical music again..my tone improved. I could improvise better.

When I just said "screw it" and went to Sara's Zumba class and I thought "I will be fat and MALE in this class of all women" Which, by the way, is VERY intimidating because I was embarrassed to be seen as such by those ladies. BUT I went...some part of me temporarily didn't give a shit and the kindness of the teacher made me try again...and again...then the kindness of the other people kept me going...again and again. Then there was Nikole. Again...lots of ladies...and very difficult maneuvering. It was like a self esteem nightmare...but the encouragement...the friends...she (and they) all helped me excavate. A little at a time...until I am here.

Then there is Kristine. She is a friend I know through music. An encourager, and a talented and veeeeeery smart woman. All adds up to quite the intimidating cocktail yes? She wrote to me about this 5k and I just pretended it didn't happen. Yeah...really. I read it, then forgot about it. No reply...no nothin. Just denial. hah But, she tried again. I agreed. We started with one minute intervals...8 of them. Sounds easy. It was hell the first time...awful. I kept thinking "there is no way in hell I can do this" I was sure I would not be back. I was going to get out of this...but again new friends made it easy to go back. So tomorrow, I will run 3.1 miles for the first time in my life. I am well-trained, and mentally ready for it. I cannot believe that I made it here in such an short amount of time. All of my running friends will be there...I am as proud of them as I am of myself. We were all in the same boat..and we will all be there in a few short hours to uncover more of our own "lost cities".

So here is to growing deeper into ourselves. Becoming more "us". Resigning from the expectations and finding our feet to run like hell....

Thank you

Roy