I am terrified. I think my dad is really sick. I say "I think" because I don't really know. I will know more on Wednesday. I am taking him to the doctor so I can personally hear what they say. If his "counts are up", then I want to know what that means. If he needs treatment, I want to know what sort. My dad told my brother that he has been trying to gain weight and can't. This scares the shit out of me. I hope that everything works out to be OK. I guess I just wasn't really ready to think about his mortality yet. Even if he is fine, just the thought is terrifying enough. I didn't think it would come so soon. It seems like yesterday that one of my worst fears came true with mom's passing...and now the possibility of his..I hope that I am just worrying. Please let this be panic.
I am obligated to tell you about how this affects food and weight issues right now. It seems like these are completely meaningless, but you need to know that it is very important to me and requires all of my strength. All of it. This possible illness, along with some other challenging aspects of life, feels like it is more than I can handle. I am on serious shaky ground with food right now. I want to eat out so badly. SO badly. I don't have any food ready right now and I am starving. I have music due (thank god) and feel that old familiar "I am out of time" crunch that led to so many afternoons eating something to soothe the "Empty". Worry...rogue worry. I am sooo much better about that, but today, I am just sitting thinking of loss. Real loss I have experienced, and the thought of new. Going hand in hand with these, are the thoughts of all that I am not. All the shortcomings. I think this happens because I see mortality in others and I scramble for an exemption to the very thing that makes us human. Awareness. Awareness of our death...of our life...of ourselves. I want to put all of that to bed. The bad thoughts come in these times.. "I want to be a success before it's too late...be thin..good looking...finally be what I am supposed to be...no longer a disappointment...finally worthy". But this process, I have learned, is a panic response and has little (if anything) to do with reality.
This is reality as I see it.
I love my parents. I have had many years with them.
I am my father's son. He is the funniest man I know. Period.
My Father is ALIVE and seems well.
All life ceases. Mine will one day...so will his.
My dad is strong. As hell. Always was. He is brave and can face whatever comes.
As far as I go,
I am a worthy person. Worthy of love, respect, support, kindness.
I am a success. Monetary, personal, inter-personal.
I am becoming more in shape everyday. I work hard....very hard.
Objectively, I am good looking. Using an artists eye, I see that I have lots of great
lines in my face and body.
Old thoughts lead to old actions. I write these words not just for you to see but to use as alternative to eating. I write these words to save my own life. Not just "be around" for a long time. Honestly, I don't give a shit about "being around". I want to LIVE. That means that I ACTIVELY LIVE my life. Do the things I want...be free. Free of this...well...whatever it is. Use my mind and my body and my creativity..humor..presence for a life WELL- LIVED.
So I will face the rest of this day. Try to get some things done. Try not to imagine problems that don't yet (and may never) exist. Be healthy and happy. Live in the face of mortality. Do my best.
Thank you again
Roy
P.S. When asked if Daddy had "talked to the preacher" at church, he said...."ABOUT WHAT?"
hahah
2 comments:
roy- just now catching up on your blog. i'm soo sorry that everything seems to be hitting you at once.
i understand, for the most part, what you're feeling right now. for me, and in times like this, my addiction(s) want to totally take over and smear their shit all over me. it sucks, and its hard to peel that slime off of you.
all you can do is take it day by day, minute by minute and hold on like a mo-fo. oddly, after years of 12 step crap, the thing that helps me the most in a situation like this (and the only time you will ever see me posting a prayer) is this part of the serenity prayer. it helps me focus:
"grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."
whoever wrote that nailed it.
you and your family are in my thoughts and my heart. i love you!
Maybe we take ourselves too seriously or maybe we just overshoot the hoop as to what life is really about. I no longer believe my life is moving toward one big bang. It's about the little stops. Park and write a song, sit idle and meditate on something beautiful, pause to notice another person's struggle or accomplishment.
I recall when I got the message that my dad had little time left and I went into a tailspin. "I'm not ready for this. It can't happen yet. This will upend my entire life." I sat with my dad in his last hours and got to say tell him everything was OK. He could let go. He needed my permission just to die. Our fears masked each others. It was about being scared of my own mortality and grief over missing him ahead of time.
Post a Comment