This is what I know.

Saturday is my first 5k. I have trained for many weeks and made a lot of new friends and I am excited to run the race. August 14th 7:30 a.m. 5 points in East Nashville.

As hard as this training has been, it is not as hard as healing a broken relationship with food. For all the times that I pushed though a place where I thought I could not go on and found a strength that I did not know I possessed, I have reverted back to the safe, comfortable and stifling windowless rooms of an addiction to food. I say it like that because that is exactly how it feels. I have not always succumbed but I have experienced more backslides than forward momentum. Kind of a dance with hopelessness. I have heard it said that the night is darkest before dawn. In my case, this is true. Not darkness as in sad...but unknown. Not knowing oneself. The problem doesn't lie in the specifics. The real problem is understanding why I want what I want. This is what I have learned so far..

Food represents my BELIEF of who I am.

Sometimes I do want cheese. But mostly, I want my life to elicit the same feeling as the molten miracle. The white queso goddess.... The feeling(s)?

Sensuality.... it is like a lingering hug.

Safety.... No harm will come..

It is ok to be hungry.

It sends me into a panic. I need to be full because if I am empty....? I don't know. Well..I DO know now. Nothing. Nothing happens. I am hungry. That's it. I think the panic is a reaction to a voice that quietly says .."please don't wake" "Stay with me" "it's dangerous.." It really is as though someone else tries to control you. All addictions deal with this voice...you can't kill it, so the best thing to do is hear it....fully.

Food can help...and it can hurt.

I have started running. When I am home and can make a good breakfast with lots and lots of veggies, I start the day being really FED. My body USES these veggies to strengthen and heal. I run better if I stay on this course and ask myself.."does this make things easier, or harder." Last night we got into a snack fest in our hotel room. Crunch 'N Munch and Diet Coke. I ran this morning. 30 min. on a treadmill. My heart is still flipping a bit. I felt sick and really ragged out. I have run the same amount outside in scorching heat and felt MUCH better. Largely due to what was in my body. It matters.

Vegetables and Greens are miracles.

As are some grains and fruits. Fruits are very helpful especially when eaten alone for maximum absorption. The feeling of quinoa and kale in my body are PRODUCED by the food. NOT my emotional needs. They really are power.

There are many more things I have learned but I feel like I needed to say this and I feel better. It was either write or eat popcorn. I am full, so I thought this would be better. Below this blog post on FB you will notice I posted a song. It is entitled "Don't Be Sad" It is a great musical representation of this whole journey. Listen to it as you read or after. Either way, I thank you for reading...

Roy