Will it ever happen for me? Will I EVER really lose weight? I. Don't. Know. I have no way OF knowing. I still weigh the same. Hovering over 300 lbs. This feels impossible. I mean I am working out hard...sometimes once...sometimes twice. I am logging my food. I am changing shape..(I look different) BUT NO WEIGHT LOSS. I know I know...it's probably muscle. Well, I have the thought "A pound of muscle and a pound of fat weigh the same...a POUND". Uggghhhhh If ever I have thought of quitting, now would be the time. Can it be that I am MEANT to be overweight??? Defeated by my own DNA...my own body??
Well...plans remain the same...even with discouragement and a sense of "trying to change the unchangeable" I go. I hate to admit this, but I have heard/hear "You should just accept yourself the way you are...losing weight just means you will gain it back...you aren't moderate...you are going down a road that ends with you becoming BIGGER!" "You need to be really careful...you might have a heart attack" "A guy your size shouldn't jump" " Don't jog..it's too much impact for someone YOUR SIZE" On and on the voices go...opinions...my best interest at heart. At the end of all of these tapes are the old "Ok...well I might as well ENJOY my life." "Let's have a CHEESE PARTY!!!!" But now, there are new voices emerging. Spoken by people I see everyday and now becoming part of my inner dialogue. "You are doing amazing work" "You are an inspiration" "You CAN do it" "You are busting ass" "Just because you are a big guy doesn't mean you can't do it"
The debate rages on in my head...but today, I must admit...the old team has the ball. The cannots are winning today. I am writing you from Rosepepper Cantina where I have ordered chicken fajitas with no butter or oil. I am writing in part to keep myself out of the chips...although it's not really working. I plan on counting (estimating) the calories in this meal...not gonna sweep it under the rug. So this is a slip in real-time...not an "after the event" report but a blow by blow commentary on how scary it is to feel out of control right NOW...but at least I am talking...not just giving up.. (Even if it is in virtual reality) If I can get a foothold on these feelings I will do Nikole's class at 5:30 today.
I really really want to lose this weight. Yes it is a number...but have you ever been told you were uninsurable? Ever been labeled "excessive"? How about a personal fave---"Morbidly Obese"?
God...it sounds like a rancid ball of hot liquid DEATH. These are situations and labels that are ALSO based on a number. I have lived through being "Husky" when I was a kid to "Plus sized" as an adolescent to "Big and Tall" as an adult. I am sick of it. And this is only a SMALL part of why I want to change. The real reasons have to do with living life. Yes disease and death---being labeled...I guess they motivate. BUT, for me, it's all the things I want to experience for the first time that REALLY do it. Death doesn't turn me on....LIFE does.
This is hard. I will continue..but I really need to feel like I am going somewhere. I need it.
Thank you so much..
Roy
3 comments:
Don't give up. I'm sitting here trying to think of something inspiring and inspiring to say but all I can come up with is "don't give up." You've come so far and you want it so bad. You aren't MEANT to be over weight! No cheese party's for you!
The only way out it through.
Whenever I hear people talking in terms of extreme anything (except in ultimate fighting, cause that stuff is awesome), I get nervous. I'm not talking about extreme exercise. I'm talking about black and white thinking.
Truth is, you can push yourself as hard as you want to. If you feel like working out hard, then great! Do it! But you can also work out hard and remember that you're in it for the long haul. It's not like just because weight loss is a slow process you have to resign yourself to carefully tip toeing on a treadmill and curling baby 3 pound weights. Please! You're smart: you know these things.
Plateaus suck a lot. What I suggest is that you should still pay attention to the scale, but in the meantime also look for other victories:
-inches lost
-total reps/weight you can push on any given exercise
-how long you can exercise today versus yesterday
-how you felt when you said no to eating something bad for you
-etc.
These victories will help you stay positive and keep things in the right perspective. Don't beat yourself up about any of this, but maybe sometimes slap yourself and say, "Damn, look how far I've come."
Cheers, buddy.
Roy...please don't stop...you are an amazing guy and you are now a "gym rat" regardless of your weight.....keep it up and know I am working every day along with you
Celeste
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