Next.

My weight has always embarrassed me. I have had it all of my life...this sense of wanting to disappear. Hell, it is the REASON I am so funny. I had to have something to overshadow the obvious fact that I am fat. The result is a thriving undercurrent of "unheardness" and "invisibility". Exactly what I asked for. But what happens when I want all of this "keep the world at arms length" to go away?

Well, at first, it was pretty easy because I could change a good bit and not really EXPERIENCE a huge shift in my comfort zone. But I have been holding at the same spot for a long time and I am writing because I think it helps me to get this out so that I make better choices. I really think I would like life without a buffer of weight, but I just can't seem to get the food thing together. I just need something to fill the hole. Believe me, that feels terrible to write, but the part of me that really wants to change aired it.

For me, it is about so many things... It is about celebrating good feelings. It is about soothing an ever present loneliness. It is about feeling sensual. I know, weird. Almost like a touch, or soothing hug. Cheese or the taste of spice and fat feels sort of like intimacy. Now, I am not trying to make YOU uncomfortable, hah (too late) BUT this plays a huge role in my weight. I never write about it because it is EMBARRASSING (the backspace button is BEGGING me to be used.) There it is. Love. Food is love. Fills me up and makes me feel consoled. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what people do to replace it. I sometimes feel like I am from another planet...like planet Frommage from the Ground Beef nebula.

The most frustrating part of this is I cannot exercise my way out of this. I can get in touch with my anger and really push. But that doesn't do anything to weight if the food is off. Nothing. And the mind set of "I will not stop" doesn't seem to do much when you are deciding between dark leafy greens and Las Maracas. It is a calmer mind set....one that I am less familiar with. Centered. At my heart, I believe I am a warrior. But, that warrior can turn, when it does...the damage is severe. It loves phrases such as "You can start in earnest tomorrow", "You can have this every now and then", "You are a big guy and always will be." "You are doing everything right, it is the Zoloft." That same part of me that can keep up and push all at 300 lbs. can turn on me and the only one who can defeat it...is me. Daunting....um..yes.

I respond to these voices by screwing with everything from my medicine to food...trying to do extreme things to "gain control". Like anything that over adjusts too quickly, I spin out of control. So here I am. Not really much smaller than last year at this time. Wanting to change, and wondering if I really can...truly. Not wanting to be lonely anymore, don't know how to make it better. But here is what I do know...I am really really WANT to change. If I have to "white knuckle" through. I will. I will continue to run, to lift, to do classes. But food, is my next frontier. God help me. Truly.

Thank you for reading this...I know it is heavy.

Roy