Meeting in the middle.

Yesterday was bad. Well, let me rephrase... Lot's of good things happened. I heard music I wrote come to life. It was good. I am proud of what I wrote...it reminded me of my heroes. I played my trombone well. It means a lot to me to play it well. I like to hear whatever is in my imagination become a realized sound and that goes for writing and playing. So, THAT was a plus. I misunderstood a client and made a mistake. I felt pretty badly about it. Someone else got frustrated because he only had a part and not a score and snapped at me. I hate that shit. Fact is, I had to write everything on breaks between tunes and ran out of time for the luxuries. I don't think I have ever really snapped at someone as I try to remain respectful but..not everyone is like me. I did my best..fuck it. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. I learned that my Dad MAY have bone cancer of some sort. I will know more later, but he said, "I'm 77 years old and a marrow biopsy hurts like hell" I told him I loved him...he said "I love you too boy." We never did that. Yesterday was the first time. I am SO open with everyone but it has always been hard for me to be open with him. I'm not ready for this IF cancer is coming. Momma has been gone 5 years and I. am. not. ready. I hurt a lot yesterday. I got terribly drunk. I ate carbs. I was a drunk carb eater. haha god..it hurts to laugh.

Well, as far as this weight/fitness/reclaim you life and soul blog goes, I intend to keep walking the walk. Doing what it takes to win a terrible war despite what hardships may present themselves. BUT, as with all addictions, perfectionism does present itself from time to time.

Perfectionism is a highly praised and desirable distortion. It is the workaholic...the person who needs it to "be" a certain way. It makes us control, manipulate, and has us running scared all of the time. A ceaseless ellipse in which nothing matters more than the very next thing. There are no moments of reflection...no chances to relish a victory..no hours of contentment. Perfectionism isn't something we "need to be better about" It is something we have to actively fight because the flip of perfectionism is a form of, what I call, aggressive apathy. It goes beyond "oh well...I blew it" into a "I messed up...fuck this. I am blowing it OUT" It is the voice of addiction saying..."come home now." The only way I know to fight this is to catch the first stage...the "perfect" stage of the equation. Emotional law of physics...every emotion has an equal and opposite emotion. The stronger the feeling...often (especially when aimed at ourselves) the stronger the swing back. I am trying to live in a shade of grey.

I tell you this, because I am not going to make 365 days. I lose. I failed. I am not perfect. I am meeting a bus tonight to go to Ohio to play a gig. Today's project was to get a cooler and prepare six meals and snacks for the 2 days. This "to do" list had me staring at the ceiling in bed for over an hour this morning. All I could think about was "how in God's precious name am I going to A. MAKE all of this food B. Transport it on a BUS with NO guarantee of a microwave." I had the thought...I can take healthy snacks and be prepared, but if I need to eat out, I will. I am determined to make the right decisions and I WILL reach my goals.

I will admit to you, that this is a terribly slippery slope, but it is one that I will have to learn to navigate eventually.


I am back in my routine today after slipping a bit yesterday. Most of you don't know me well enough to know what kind of fight is in me...but I am a warrior. My mom used to say, "Roy, you are a born leader." She was right but, as it turned out, the one I lead was me.


Thank you for your support and love and for reading this blog.

Roy