Ladies and Gentlemen, the real Roy Agee...crickets.

Well, here we are. One month into this experiment, we have an extra $1,000.00 in the bank and I lost 15 pounds. This is the right direction, and not eating out has not been hard really. It just takes planning and a sense of commitment. But then again, THAT can BE the hard part.
Although the weight loss (and the newly found musculature) is exciting, it isn't the most exciting part. Neither is the money. The most exciting part of this is finding out who I really am. Who has been hidden all this time? For people that know me on a cursory level, what I just said is a curiosity. Most people can't believe I have ever felt "hidden." They think my humor and personality is that of someone with a lot of confidence. For people who really KNOW know me, they know that I have had many obsessions and fears that, at times, could be debilitating. They know that I am very sensitive and hurt easily. They know that I have tried to hide everything about myself, from my talents, to my size, to virtually everything I possess. I am a master of camouflage. Always have been. I had rather die than cause anyone else discomfort. I want to be clear...this is NOT healthy and I AM working on it.
My weight is not about eating. It is not about a lack of exercise. It is not about leptins, or protein, blood type, or carbs. MY weight is about a flawed perception of self and the world around me. It is a misconception that I am unwanted or "in the way." A hideously twisted view of being less then everyone else...almost sub -human. Tears well in my eyes as I type this because..it's the truth as I have known it. Anytime I felt like a failure, I just wanted to go to someplace with a slogan like "In here it's ALWAYS Friday", "America's Favorite Pizza", "In Here You're ALWAYS Family" and my fav "Let's Go Outback Tonight" Let me say, if my food needs a slogan...it's not safe. What the industry sells are doses of "it'll be ok" --a maniacal "party in your mouth" and respite from the head trip that is low self- esteem. I am choosing to walk away.
Here are some slogans I am working on for some of my current home-cooked foods.

"Chicken: It Tastes Like Chicken!"
"Broccoli: A Big Green Punch In The Mouth"
"Salad: Eat A Pound At A Time---Take A Crap"
"Water---(im still workin on that one)
"Fruit: Rockin Since The Dawn Of Time"
"Sweet Potatoes: Succulent Superliciousness"
and finally
"Beans: BAM"

I think you get the idea...

On January 1 of this year, I was cleaning the cat box when this idea of abstaining and keeping a blog hit me. It was as though it wasn't my idea at all, but rather a mandate from someone else. Someone stronger. So I am following this mandate faithfully and so far...it IS changing my life. I am awake..I know I am loved and worthy. I see people and really HEAR them. I have a better life, not just a between-meals existence. I really am alive. I am 37 and here I am trying to lose weight for real this time. Trying to become who I am...without knowing the whole picture. Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Without hardship? No. It is a walk though the dark to find the break of day, without knowing for sure that day will come. A walk of faith. Isn't that why the chicken crossed the road? "Chicken: Now With 1/3 Less Beak!" hhaha
Thanks for listening!


Roy