Hope.

My alarm is going to go off in 5 hours. It will still be dark, quite cold and I most likely will NOT want to leave. I will because I have hope. Hope of tasting life for what it is. I cannot tell you how good it feels just to look someone in the eyes, hear them and respond without wanting to crawl under a rock. I suppose this has been a gradual process for me, but I sure notice it more now. The chatter that I have grown accustom to, has lessened and, in it's stead, a virginal calm makes it easier to connect. Connect not only to others, but to ME. Some of the things I have learned about myself in the past 5 1/2 weeks:

I am fierce.

I don't like to modify an exercise. I DO, but I don't like it. It makes me mad. I want to do what you are doing because I want to keep up with you. I notice this feeling of "falling behind" and I have an urge to push---sometimes too hard.

I really am funny:

DUH. YOU have seen it for years, but me? Not really. Lately, I have made myself laugh a lot more. Sometimes I laugh at things I say, but also at my thoughts. Not only that, but YOU are funny too. I am sorry I didn't notice before because it is WAY fun.

Less mania=Steady bliss

Maybe it is incorrect to say bliss, but we can at least say contentment. A trip to Las Maracas always felt like a celebration! PARTY!!! BREAK OUT THE CHIPS AND MARIACHI TRUMPETS!! This experience is so ingrained in me that some of the songs in my Zumba class make me want a #25 from the Speedy Gonzales lunch menu. I wish I were kidding. Taking this mania off the table has proven to be scary but incredibly cleansing also. I just now have felt what people mean by contentment/bliss.

I love being active.

Yup. (That's definitely new)

I own this.
(own and won have the same letters)
(neat.)

I cannot speak for all people who have struggled with food and weight. But, I have seen a lot of people who remind me of me. The "It's too late"s. The "Society oppressed me" folks. The "I will start tomorrow".."Next Week"..."At The New Year" club. Fact is, time is MADE UP. The are no MONDAYS or NEW YEAR DAYS. And yes, people CAN BE mean, but I ask myself "What did I do wrong?" when someone is mean. The answer is usually "nothing" thus ending my participation in the matter. Besides, most people aren't mean to me...mostly because they know I will kick their ass.

People care about me.

My family, friends, my Y friends, the list is enormous. People speak to me and let me know that they are right there with me. There is no substitute for support like that.

So in 5 hours I will get up...in the dark...and journey to meet the people that have made such a difference. I will get up and face the day with a belief that I can handle what comes. I will lose weight. I will gain control, by letting control slip away. *I will explain this concept in a later post.
I will walk until I am home.


Until next time,

Roy