Firebird

Have you ever heard the end of Stravinsky's "The Firebird"? The movement is subtitled Kanschei's Spell Is Broken. The extreme abridged version:
Prince Ivan (Russian hero of the story) enters a magic realm ruled by a terrible entity called Kanschei. In this land, Ivan finds the Firebird in the gardens, captures it, and the bird pleads for it's life. Ivan agrees to let the bird live IF it will help him. After a while, Ivan meets 13 princesses and falls in love with one. Next, he goes to Kanschei to ask for her hand in marriage and arguments ensure. The Firebird intervenes, as promised, and Kanschei (enchanted) falls asleep. When she (yes Kanschei is a girl) awakens the Firebird bewitches her again and she divulges a secret. The secret? Her soul is somewhere else...it is in a huge magical egg. Ivan finds the egg and destroys it. Her "spell" is broken and all of the magical land disappears except for the princesses, Ivan, and the Firebird.
At the very end of this piece there is one constant note holding while chords move parallel around it. It makes for FEROCIOUS tension that is finally resolved into the final major chord.
I give you this story and musical reference to tell you --this is how I feel. In musical terms, I identify with the mounting tension and the sudden clarity illustrated in the final moments of the piece. Metaphorically, I identify with the sudden disillusionment that Ivan experiences after he destroys the egg. My "magical" land is a land where it is easier to hide than face you. Hide behind food. Hide behind weight. Hide. In this land, Kanschei is the voice that tells me that "people are just being nice" "No one really likes you that much" "They think you are weird.." "You shouldn't be at the Y ..you are too fat." On and on in a web of trickery it continues. Kanschei likes to dredge up all the unkindness that I have experienced in my life. (I will spare you) The Firebird? My decision...to stop eating out..to start living fully...to be more of me, by being less. It is volunteering for pain. BUT it is also volunteering for a life wholly experienced.
So as the "magical" land slowly fades, the kindness of others is revealed...
"You are awesome"
"You are inspiring"
"You are a badass Zumba ninja"
"I am proud of you. Great job today"
"Oh my God, you look great"
"You're heart rate is considered athletic"
"You should be proud of yourself"
"You are hot"
"I need you to get your minivan off of my yard" (I made that one up)

These words aren't thrown into an empty pit anymore...I hold on to them..they encourage me..make me stronger. They are no longer invisible but rather THEY are now part of my own personal Firebird.

Tomorrow I will live up to the tattoo that consumes the upper part of my right arm...Elegant, Impossibly Beautiful, and Full Of Unquenchable Flame. Yeah..that's a tall order. Maybe I will skip the impossibly beautiful part..I think I can do the other two.

Once again, I thank you for reading, commenting, and helping me move forward.


Roy