The Difference

I have been thinking...what is different for me this time? I mean, what happened to make the dance stop? You know the one, "I HAVE to get on it.", "I am gonna start Monday", "I will set my alarm and try.", "I wish I ate better" Then comes the dance between losing weight and gaining it back...back and forth we go, until we are too tired to try. So...what the hell happened to me to stop the drama?
Well, I have some thoughts. The first thing is --I feel as though I outgrew something that had value. My weight had value. I needed and wanted it. Betcha don't hear THAT in diet books. I have been overweight because it provides a very comfortable buffer between me and the rest of the world. Isolation felt like safety. Loneliness felt like hunger, and those moments when I yearned to be close to someone...to show them who I really was...well, those were great opportunities to pad my life and my body with extra weight, assuring that I would be safe...and alone.
Secondly, let's talk about will-power. I don't what it is. Will- power to me is nothing more than an overused word to turn against myself. It conjures images of "white knuckles" and "faking it until you make it." I don't care for it. To me, FINDING one's WILL is enough. What do you want? What decisions do you make to paint the picture of your life? I believe that the soul is stronger than the mind, the mind stronger than the body and our WILL is the glue that holds the three together. I mean, if I try to use my mind to control any situation..I usually fail AND feel incredible frustration and disappointment. What do you see for yourself? This is not about control...it is about following a path that is set in motion the MOMENT you decide.
This brings me to my third point. To gain control I must release the need for it. In other words, the tighter I hold a goal or a destination (i.e. goal weight) the harder the climb. Most people HATE to hear about letting go. It's resignation, failure, lack of focus, ability, it's a behavior disorder, or ...L.A.Z.Y. Let me tell you something dear reader. Resigning from the ego race is the best decision I have ever made. It brought me out of denial. No more keeping up appearances. No more NEEDING to be the best. Only being the best I could be. Challenging myself to push as hard as I can while other people pass me, do more push-ups, walk up the wall..(yes UP the wall). They are faster, stronger, more fit, more active, more more more and it DOESN'T MATTER. I still want to keep up but, at the end of the day, I am happy to be able to do what I can do. THAT is the difference. I cannot control so tightly that I choke on the need to be special.
I am 12 pounds away from 100 lbs lost officially. 12 pounds. I will be under 300 in 6 pounds. I cannot remember life before I weighed 300 lbs. Two reasons for that, it was a loooong time ago, and I was pretty much in fog getting there. I have NO EARTHLY IDEA what life will look like from 299. My ultimate goal is 194 lbs. I want to get there this year...it is a lofty goal and if I don't make it, well, OK. But you can bet I WILL push as hard as I can to get there...(and that, is damned hard.)

Please pass on this blog to other people who you may think need to read it. It is very helpful to me, but the whole reason I started it was to offer people my truth and allow them to liberate theirs.

Thank you!

Roy