The Empty

The cacophony of human interconnectedness fades to black
I am alone again. Center stage
The pinprick of doubt floods the plain of NOW
Fantastical dreams of a life unlived
unknown to myself
unheard.
I am alone again.
The Empty-- steadfast, reliable, a harbor of "good will"
Whispers a promise in my ear.
"I will take care of you"
Insistent, like a controlling mother
"They don't understand"
"I want what's best"
With slumped shoulders and an imprisoned heart
I followed you
Turned my back on the people
The helping hands
Encouragement
Reality.
Together, we ate without consequence
"Tomorrow's another day"
But I'm sad
"I just want people to love you for you"
What if all of this isn't me?
"But what if it is?"
The Empty
Never failing supreme confidence
Comforting me at gunpoint
Promising me I could never change
Leaving me cut off from
All of you
I am alone
again.

Hey! GOOD MORNING! haha So, not to worry, this poem isn't a current reflection. Not a state of the "Roy". Rather, this is a glimpse into what has been-- from the inside out. I chose to write this poem because I think it hints at the emotional warfare in a way that prose cannot.

As I change, I risk the unknown. And it IS a risk. Who knows what will happen. I have been taught that the world is dangerous and unpredictble. Not an entirely inaccurate world-view BUT, amid the "tragedy" of unknown threats, there lies an adventure. This adventure requires a willing heart (both willing to succeed AND fail...which feels like the same thing sometimes) It requires a sense of resourcefulness (I can handle what comes). It means that I will be vulnerable to criticism from others and actually hear my own thoughts. Epic man. Epic. hah Let me share some dreams with you.

I want to act.

Yup. You heard right. I have decided that playing trombone is TOO lucrative. I need a backup! Seriously, I wonder what it is like. I have always viewed the world through artist's eyes. Noticed things. I would love love love to be in a commercial. Even one of those cheesy lawyer adds that play during all the judge shows on the WB...(not that I watch all 5 hours)

I want to write a book

Now, I am pretty sure that there are overweight writers. Losing weight would not preclude the written word. However, I want to write about THIS process. Only because, in all of the diet and fitness "white noise", there has not been a book that REALLY address the WHY of overeating. It is a book I want to read. I consider myself a foremost authority in this category.

No more funny looks on airplanes

Would this REALLY be considered a dream? In my world, yes. I hate walking up the aisle and seeing the "please no please no please no....fuck" on people's faces. Yeah...way to greet your fellow human being. I will just be here trying to disappear while you hammer away at your laptop and sprawl out and relax. Need a nap...here lay on my shoulder.

I want to be sexy

STOP LAUGHING! I know, I know. I am not supposed to say this kind of thing but guess what? Men don't feel any differently than women. I think most of my readers are women and this MAY not be news to them, but then again, maybe it is. I want to feel the same way you do. I want to be desirable and handsome and soap opera irresistible...ok ...maybe that's overboard. You get the picture.

I want to conduct my own composition

Again. Not weight related. Or is it? It is all about a confident view of yourself. I happened to pick one of the hardest professions for self esteem. The harder one? Acting. nice. BUT I love it. Being over weight----it doesn't make you want to "get out there" so to speak. So, I want to "get out here" more as I lose weight.

I will hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

This is tentatively set for March of 2011.

There are more dreams to come as times moves on. What are your dreams? How is this going for you? I urge to break your silence...live in the open..visible to others. Let this blog be a place for you to jump off. I am naked here! You can take your shirt off at least.
oh god that came out wrong.


Roy