Meeting in the middle.

Yesterday was bad. Well, let me rephrase... Lot's of good things happened. I heard music I wrote come to life. It was good. I am proud of what I wrote...it reminded me of my heroes. I played my trombone well. It means a lot to me to play it well. I like to hear whatever is in my imagination become a realized sound and that goes for writing and playing. So, THAT was a plus. I misunderstood a client and made a mistake. I felt pretty badly about it. Someone else got frustrated because he only had a part and not a score and snapped at me. I hate that shit. Fact is, I had to write everything on breaks between tunes and ran out of time for the luxuries. I don't think I have ever really snapped at someone as I try to remain respectful but..not everyone is like me. I did my best..fuck it. BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. I learned that my Dad MAY have bone cancer of some sort. I will know more later, but he said, "I'm 77 years old and a marrow biopsy hurts like hell" I told him I loved him...he said "I love you too boy." We never did that. Yesterday was the first time. I am SO open with everyone but it has always been hard for me to be open with him. I'm not ready for this IF cancer is coming. Momma has been gone 5 years and I. am. not. ready. I hurt a lot yesterday. I got terribly drunk. I ate carbs. I was a drunk carb eater. haha god..it hurts to laugh.

Well, as far as this weight/fitness/reclaim you life and soul blog goes, I intend to keep walking the walk. Doing what it takes to win a terrible war despite what hardships may present themselves. BUT, as with all addictions, perfectionism does present itself from time to time.

Perfectionism is a highly praised and desirable distortion. It is the workaholic...the person who needs it to "be" a certain way. It makes us control, manipulate, and has us running scared all of the time. A ceaseless ellipse in which nothing matters more than the very next thing. There are no moments of reflection...no chances to relish a victory..no hours of contentment. Perfectionism isn't something we "need to be better about" It is something we have to actively fight because the flip of perfectionism is a form of, what I call, aggressive apathy. It goes beyond "oh well...I blew it" into a "I messed up...fuck this. I am blowing it OUT" It is the voice of addiction saying..."come home now." The only way I know to fight this is to catch the first stage...the "perfect" stage of the equation. Emotional law of physics...every emotion has an equal and opposite emotion. The stronger the feeling...often (especially when aimed at ourselves) the stronger the swing back. I am trying to live in a shade of grey.

I tell you this, because I am not going to make 365 days. I lose. I failed. I am not perfect. I am meeting a bus tonight to go to Ohio to play a gig. Today's project was to get a cooler and prepare six meals and snacks for the 2 days. This "to do" list had me staring at the ceiling in bed for over an hour this morning. All I could think about was "how in God's precious name am I going to A. MAKE all of this food B. Transport it on a BUS with NO guarantee of a microwave." I had the thought...I can take healthy snacks and be prepared, but if I need to eat out, I will. I am determined to make the right decisions and I WILL reach my goals.

I will admit to you, that this is a terribly slippery slope, but it is one that I will have to learn to navigate eventually.


I am back in my routine today after slipping a bit yesterday. Most of you don't know me well enough to know what kind of fight is in me...but I am a warrior. My mom used to say, "Roy, you are a born leader." She was right but, as it turned out, the one I lead was me.


Thank you for your support and love and for reading this blog.

Roy

The Wall

THE WALL

A secret haven to rest the facade
The fabricated joy and the put on a happy face
The easy going "I'm ok, You're ok"
Sit and rest against it
The impoverished soul who knows no outside world.

I am 3 pounds away. 3 pounds from breaking the 300 barrier. 3 pounds. It gives me an opportunity to reflect. Also a chance to see ALL the walls in my life.

Walls aren't all bad. They provide support. They keep out the weather, the hot and cold. The protect our privacy. But, have you ever been in a house that has too many? Getting around...pain in the ass. Every few steps, you are turning on a dime just to get from the living to the kitchen a few feet away. OR, have you ever been behind a wall that you don't want to be behind? You can't see someone else's face or the show. Obviously I am using "the wall" as a metaphor, but the same ideas apply.

Structure (Support)

Routines. Doing the same things for your own sake of sanity and well being. Like supporting walls in a house, they are the building block for a life. For me, they are my classes at the Y. Seeing the same faces and receiving their support AND watching them fight to do the class with me. We are all in it together. I like it. Ugly Mugs. Again, a lot of the same friends and it's easy to make new ones! Blogging. Providing myself with support and hearing from all of YOU. It's like an isolation buster.

Structure (Confinement)

All the things that have a positive role in my life also have an evil twin. You can hide behind structure. One's life can be demanding ---at the beck and call of others. A certain amount of this is required when we take on roles...workplace...mother and father..husband wife... But we can easily lose ourselves if we aren't careful. For example, I have had an incredibly busy day and have work due as we speak. Because I feel stress, I have cravings. I also found that eating was an inconvenience that I couldn't afford today. I cooked anyway...and now..I am blogging. It is very very important not to lose one's touchstones of sanity. Being a people pleaser is a trap I am familiar with. I don't want you to be disappointed in me, even if it means I disappoint myself.

Barrier (Protection)

Protection is something we all need. We need to keep out the elements. We need to keep the animals out. We are vulnerable and must protect our frailty. It feels good to be protected...

Barrier (Isolation)

When the instinct to "protect" ourselves becomes overrun, we are cut off from everything that makes us thrive. Our comfort zone becomes less and less until we are left with a comfort "strip". For me, I have been severed from being..connected. The worst part...I have been severed from myself. I don't really know myself very well.. Now, I am learning ---for the first time.

I feel things I have never really felt. I think most people go through this in puberty...I am starting just this side of middle age. BUT, I will go with it. hah!

My plan is to eat a carb mindful and nutritious diet...get plenty of interaction with people and go to Nikole's 5:30 PM class this evening. I am knocking on the 200's door. I hope it answers soon.

I will keep you posted.

Roy

P.S. share one of YOUR walls with us...

Thank you soooo much for all of your kindness and support. You are important. really.

The Empty

The cacophony of human interconnectedness fades to black
I am alone again. Center stage
The pinprick of doubt floods the plain of NOW
Fantastical dreams of a life unlived
unknown to myself
unheard.
I am alone again.
The Empty-- steadfast, reliable, a harbor of "good will"
Whispers a promise in my ear.
"I will take care of you"
Insistent, like a controlling mother
"They don't understand"
"I want what's best"
With slumped shoulders and an imprisoned heart
I followed you
Turned my back on the people
The helping hands
Encouragement
Reality.
Together, we ate without consequence
"Tomorrow's another day"
But I'm sad
"I just want people to love you for you"
What if all of this isn't me?
"But what if it is?"
The Empty
Never failing supreme confidence
Comforting me at gunpoint
Promising me I could never change
Leaving me cut off from
All of you
I am alone
again.

Hey! GOOD MORNING! haha So, not to worry, this poem isn't a current reflection. Not a state of the "Roy". Rather, this is a glimpse into what has been-- from the inside out. I chose to write this poem because I think it hints at the emotional warfare in a way that prose cannot.

As I change, I risk the unknown. And it IS a risk. Who knows what will happen. I have been taught that the world is dangerous and unpredictble. Not an entirely inaccurate world-view BUT, amid the "tragedy" of unknown threats, there lies an adventure. This adventure requires a willing heart (both willing to succeed AND fail...which feels like the same thing sometimes) It requires a sense of resourcefulness (I can handle what comes). It means that I will be vulnerable to criticism from others and actually hear my own thoughts. Epic man. Epic. hah Let me share some dreams with you.

I want to act.

Yup. You heard right. I have decided that playing trombone is TOO lucrative. I need a backup! Seriously, I wonder what it is like. I have always viewed the world through artist's eyes. Noticed things. I would love love love to be in a commercial. Even one of those cheesy lawyer adds that play during all the judge shows on the WB...(not that I watch all 5 hours)

I want to write a book

Now, I am pretty sure that there are overweight writers. Losing weight would not preclude the written word. However, I want to write about THIS process. Only because, in all of the diet and fitness "white noise", there has not been a book that REALLY address the WHY of overeating. It is a book I want to read. I consider myself a foremost authority in this category.

No more funny looks on airplanes

Would this REALLY be considered a dream? In my world, yes. I hate walking up the aisle and seeing the "please no please no please no....fuck" on people's faces. Yeah...way to greet your fellow human being. I will just be here trying to disappear while you hammer away at your laptop and sprawl out and relax. Need a nap...here lay on my shoulder.

I want to be sexy

STOP LAUGHING! I know, I know. I am not supposed to say this kind of thing but guess what? Men don't feel any differently than women. I think most of my readers are women and this MAY not be news to them, but then again, maybe it is. I want to feel the same way you do. I want to be desirable and handsome and soap opera irresistible...ok ...maybe that's overboard. You get the picture.

I want to conduct my own composition

Again. Not weight related. Or is it? It is all about a confident view of yourself. I happened to pick one of the hardest professions for self esteem. The harder one? Acting. nice. BUT I love it. Being over weight----it doesn't make you want to "get out there" so to speak. So, I want to "get out here" more as I lose weight.

I will hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

This is tentatively set for March of 2011.

There are more dreams to come as times moves on. What are your dreams? How is this going for you? I urge to break your silence...live in the open..visible to others. Let this blog be a place for you to jump off. I am naked here! You can take your shirt off at least.
oh god that came out wrong.


Roy

Trust myself...

I am 48 days in. No restaurants...not too hard I must say. It seems like it has been easier to just take it off the table. I am finding that my goals are getting more specific. I guess that's what happens when you walk in a direction for a while...you start to actually see where it is you are going.

All of this started as an experiment. No real attachment to outcome. In fact, I wasn't sure what would be different. I knew that it would most likely be a positive change, but wasn't sure how. As time has passed however, I realized that the "no restaurant" thing is merely the first step. I want to lose over 100 lbs. this year. I am really really close to being below 300 lbs. for the first time in my adult (older than 18) life. So, I want to weigh 194 because that is exactly a two-hundred pound loss.

Now the question becomes, how? How the hell do I go from here to there? Well, that very question led me to searching. I tried a low carb approach...I went a little overboard. I used appetite suppressants and ate less than 15 grams of carbs a day. (that's a small slice of bread) That was going ok UNTIL I worked out. For two days in a row, my peripheral vision started to go black and I felt dizzy. So, I changed tactics. I am currently eating 1200-1500 calories and 30g of carbs a day. I burn 2694 calories at rest and with exercise---around 3700. That leaves me with a deficit of 2,200 calories (on the 1500 days). That is 4.4 lbs a week (a pound is roughly 3500 calories) SO in one year, I will weigh 80 POUNDS!!! TOTALLY STOKED! This makes me soooo happy---I am trying to get to my original weight....7lb 8oz. hah. Well, as you can tell, I have plenty of room for error along the way. Point is, I am moving deliberately toward a destination. It is inevitable. Belief is optional. I say this because I vacillate between knowing I can and feeling defeated. Nikoletta said something in a message to me...."trust yourself". I believe trust is a dance between movement and doubt.

Now, I made a promise to myself to be wide open on this blog. I need to be able to process this and I need people to see what happens when someone faces a huge fear. I want you to know what I am up against because, so much of the time, the author takes the position of expert. Impenetrable from flaw or human emotion, the EXPERT only speaks to you as a subordinate. At least, that's the way I always read it. SO, it is in this spirit of vulnerable equality, that I will share this next story..

I have been doing Zumba and Sports Conditioning classes for a while now. They both challenge me and place me against my physical and mental "wall" (Especially the sports conditioning class) In the SC class last time, I was starting to fade. I couldn't run very far. I couldn't do the things that the people around me were doing. I was trying....but I just was out of energy. Then...the voice. I think you may be familiar with "the voice" although yours may have a different script. MINE likes to remind me of how different I am from you. My "voice" doesn't want me to be your friend...he wants me to be alone. I am easier to control if I am alone. Well, this "voice" kept reminding me that I was big...well, fat....well...a big fatass...who couldn't do it...who would never do it...who should quit...and get a waffle. This kept creeping in as I was pushing and pushing and fighting to keep up...to push myself that hard and simultaneously feel defeated is, to say the least, straining. We ended the class with stretches and, as I lay on the mat, I felt water running down my face. It took me a minute to realize that they were tears. A grown man in a YMCA gym SURROUNDED by women....crying. "Please GOD don't let this be happening!!!!" But it was. What struck my about it was that I felt as though I was neither the oppressor or the oppressed. I was separate from both...a bystander...a third party. I don't know what that means...but it is a feeling I had. I regained control and finished the class and because of the encouragement of others, both in person and through messages on this blog, I will go again tomorrow. So at 6 a.m. I will do my best and quite possibly hear the deafening roar of my past. But eventually, there will have been more days spent pushing my limits than hiding away.

That's me "trusting myself"


Thank you all!!

Roy

Firebird

Have you ever heard the end of Stravinsky's "The Firebird"? The movement is subtitled Kanschei's Spell Is Broken. The extreme abridged version:
Prince Ivan (Russian hero of the story) enters a magic realm ruled by a terrible entity called Kanschei. In this land, Ivan finds the Firebird in the gardens, captures it, and the bird pleads for it's life. Ivan agrees to let the bird live IF it will help him. After a while, Ivan meets 13 princesses and falls in love with one. Next, he goes to Kanschei to ask for her hand in marriage and arguments ensure. The Firebird intervenes, as promised, and Kanschei (enchanted) falls asleep. When she (yes Kanschei is a girl) awakens the Firebird bewitches her again and she divulges a secret. The secret? Her soul is somewhere else...it is in a huge magical egg. Ivan finds the egg and destroys it. Her "spell" is broken and all of the magical land disappears except for the princesses, Ivan, and the Firebird.
At the very end of this piece there is one constant note holding while chords move parallel around it. It makes for FEROCIOUS tension that is finally resolved into the final major chord.
I give you this story and musical reference to tell you --this is how I feel. In musical terms, I identify with the mounting tension and the sudden clarity illustrated in the final moments of the piece. Metaphorically, I identify with the sudden disillusionment that Ivan experiences after he destroys the egg. My "magical" land is a land where it is easier to hide than face you. Hide behind food. Hide behind weight. Hide. In this land, Kanschei is the voice that tells me that "people are just being nice" "No one really likes you that much" "They think you are weird.." "You shouldn't be at the Y ..you are too fat." On and on in a web of trickery it continues. Kanschei likes to dredge up all the unkindness that I have experienced in my life. (I will spare you) The Firebird? My decision...to stop eating out..to start living fully...to be more of me, by being less. It is volunteering for pain. BUT it is also volunteering for a life wholly experienced.
So as the "magical" land slowly fades, the kindness of others is revealed...
"You are awesome"
"You are inspiring"
"You are a badass Zumba ninja"
"I am proud of you. Great job today"
"Oh my God, you look great"
"You're heart rate is considered athletic"
"You should be proud of yourself"
"You are hot"
"I need you to get your minivan off of my yard" (I made that one up)

These words aren't thrown into an empty pit anymore...I hold on to them..they encourage me..make me stronger. They are no longer invisible but rather THEY are now part of my own personal Firebird.

Tomorrow I will live up to the tattoo that consumes the upper part of my right arm...Elegant, Impossibly Beautiful, and Full Of Unquenchable Flame. Yeah..that's a tall order. Maybe I will skip the impossibly beautiful part..I think I can do the other two.

Once again, I thank you for reading, commenting, and helping me move forward.


Roy

The Difference

I have been thinking...what is different for me this time? I mean, what happened to make the dance stop? You know the one, "I HAVE to get on it.", "I am gonna start Monday", "I will set my alarm and try.", "I wish I ate better" Then comes the dance between losing weight and gaining it back...back and forth we go, until we are too tired to try. So...what the hell happened to me to stop the drama?
Well, I have some thoughts. The first thing is --I feel as though I outgrew something that had value. My weight had value. I needed and wanted it. Betcha don't hear THAT in diet books. I have been overweight because it provides a very comfortable buffer between me and the rest of the world. Isolation felt like safety. Loneliness felt like hunger, and those moments when I yearned to be close to someone...to show them who I really was...well, those were great opportunities to pad my life and my body with extra weight, assuring that I would be safe...and alone.
Secondly, let's talk about will-power. I don't what it is. Will- power to me is nothing more than an overused word to turn against myself. It conjures images of "white knuckles" and "faking it until you make it." I don't care for it. To me, FINDING one's WILL is enough. What do you want? What decisions do you make to paint the picture of your life? I believe that the soul is stronger than the mind, the mind stronger than the body and our WILL is the glue that holds the three together. I mean, if I try to use my mind to control any situation..I usually fail AND feel incredible frustration and disappointment. What do you see for yourself? This is not about control...it is about following a path that is set in motion the MOMENT you decide.
This brings me to my third point. To gain control I must release the need for it. In other words, the tighter I hold a goal or a destination (i.e. goal weight) the harder the climb. Most people HATE to hear about letting go. It's resignation, failure, lack of focus, ability, it's a behavior disorder, or ...L.A.Z.Y. Let me tell you something dear reader. Resigning from the ego race is the best decision I have ever made. It brought me out of denial. No more keeping up appearances. No more NEEDING to be the best. Only being the best I could be. Challenging myself to push as hard as I can while other people pass me, do more push-ups, walk up the wall..(yes UP the wall). They are faster, stronger, more fit, more active, more more more and it DOESN'T MATTER. I still want to keep up but, at the end of the day, I am happy to be able to do what I can do. THAT is the difference. I cannot control so tightly that I choke on the need to be special.
I am 12 pounds away from 100 lbs lost officially. 12 pounds. I will be under 300 in 6 pounds. I cannot remember life before I weighed 300 lbs. Two reasons for that, it was a loooong time ago, and I was pretty much in fog getting there. I have NO EARTHLY IDEA what life will look like from 299. My ultimate goal is 194 lbs. I want to get there this year...it is a lofty goal and if I don't make it, well, OK. But you can bet I WILL push as hard as I can to get there...(and that, is damned hard.)

Please pass on this blog to other people who you may think need to read it. It is very helpful to me, but the whole reason I started it was to offer people my truth and allow them to liberate theirs.

Thank you!

Roy

Hard core.

I did a very difficult class this morning. It was brilliant and hard. as. hell. A recap of what I can remember....
3 laps to "warm-up". Or, alternatively, 3 laps to "test the limits of my cardiovascular system."
A few more laps around the gym---for good measure.
Jump from side to side and lift one leg -- hold---repeat---a lot.
Move across gym going side to side. Crab walk across gym twice. Hop in a diagonal pattern, the length of the gym--run 3/4 lap and start again with the "move across the gym."
But wait, there's more...sprints, run against resistance, (One guy trying to hold me with resistance bands while I run away. I almost broke the band...THAT'S not embarrassing.) Then the race...a sprint against a member of the opposite team. One lap straight across the gym and back. As fast as you can. I gave it everything my body could give. and more. I went as fast as I could. OOHH OOHH THEN there was the "mirror" game in which you followed you partner, mirror-image style, did what they did, squatted and jumped for sometime (It felt like a lost WEEKEND but I think it was a minute.) The push-ups, the reverse duck walk--or in my case the "lay down for a minute". I know I am leaving stuff out, but we ended with Abs. All I could think was "for the love of all that is holy and righteous, please make my stomach stop BURNING!!!" It felt as though the dark prince himself was poking me with a white hot DEATH POKER. Or maybe something like this:


Replace the girl in blue with me, and the girl in red with a nine-foot GLADIATOR and you have a personal summation of abdominal exercises.

Cool class...gonna go back on Thursday.

I love the people that help me. They make me feel as though I really can do it. I can push and get where I am going. Nickole, Sara, Jen, Shelean, Shalene, Barry, Garris, Tim, My Wife, Patty. Not to mention all of the fine folks with whom I experience these class. The difference they make, is the difference between an existence, and a life. Too dramatic for you? I wish I could show you the past. This is real. Something is different this time. There is an openness about me that let's people in, and not long ago, I was too afraid to get near. Burritos were my friend.

Thank you for being kind...and believing. I will push myself to my limit. Right when I feel sick, or afraid that I will burst into tears in frustration I will stop for a second...but those seconds are happening with less frequency.


Talk to you soon

Roy

Hope.

My alarm is going to go off in 5 hours. It will still be dark, quite cold and I most likely will NOT want to leave. I will because I have hope. Hope of tasting life for what it is. I cannot tell you how good it feels just to look someone in the eyes, hear them and respond without wanting to crawl under a rock. I suppose this has been a gradual process for me, but I sure notice it more now. The chatter that I have grown accustom to, has lessened and, in it's stead, a virginal calm makes it easier to connect. Connect not only to others, but to ME. Some of the things I have learned about myself in the past 5 1/2 weeks:

I am fierce.

I don't like to modify an exercise. I DO, but I don't like it. It makes me mad. I want to do what you are doing because I want to keep up with you. I notice this feeling of "falling behind" and I have an urge to push---sometimes too hard.

I really am funny:

DUH. YOU have seen it for years, but me? Not really. Lately, I have made myself laugh a lot more. Sometimes I laugh at things I say, but also at my thoughts. Not only that, but YOU are funny too. I am sorry I didn't notice before because it is WAY fun.

Less mania=Steady bliss

Maybe it is incorrect to say bliss, but we can at least say contentment. A trip to Las Maracas always felt like a celebration! PARTY!!! BREAK OUT THE CHIPS AND MARIACHI TRUMPETS!! This experience is so ingrained in me that some of the songs in my Zumba class make me want a #25 from the Speedy Gonzales lunch menu. I wish I were kidding. Taking this mania off the table has proven to be scary but incredibly cleansing also. I just now have felt what people mean by contentment/bliss.

I love being active.

Yup. (That's definitely new)

I own this.
(own and won have the same letters)
(neat.)

I cannot speak for all people who have struggled with food and weight. But, I have seen a lot of people who remind me of me. The "It's too late"s. The "Society oppressed me" folks. The "I will start tomorrow".."Next Week"..."At The New Year" club. Fact is, time is MADE UP. The are no MONDAYS or NEW YEAR DAYS. And yes, people CAN BE mean, but I ask myself "What did I do wrong?" when someone is mean. The answer is usually "nothing" thus ending my participation in the matter. Besides, most people aren't mean to me...mostly because they know I will kick their ass.

People care about me.

My family, friends, my Y friends, the list is enormous. People speak to me and let me know that they are right there with me. There is no substitute for support like that.

So in 5 hours I will get up...in the dark...and journey to meet the people that have made such a difference. I will get up and face the day with a belief that I can handle what comes. I will lose weight. I will gain control, by letting control slip away. *I will explain this concept in a later post.
I will walk until I am home.


Until next time,

Roy

Here We Go

I weigh 310 pounds. At 294 pounds, I will have lost 100 lbs. officially (I estimated that I weighed 420 before being weighed at the hospital after severe dehydration) My ultimate goal is 194 and beyond. I will have lost 200 lbs. and gained a life. Now, don't get me wrong, I HAVE a wonderful and full life but...what else is out there?
I feel as though I am in someone else's body. See, I never really had muscle tone anywhere so NOW I am always feeling my arm. I KNOW I must look like the most vain asshole to ever walk the Earth, but I assure you my opinion of myself is NOT that high. I just really can't believe it's me. I mean my arm and chest never really had any delineation. They are SEPARATE muscles?!?!? Oh! Sometimes, I put my hands on my sides and it freaks me out because it feels like something is gone. My upper body is a V??? I thought I was more of an O.
So, my first goal is weighing 294 lbs. I am SO close and I know I am supposed to be excited, and I AM but.....I am also afraid to leave the comfortable discomfort of three-hundredom. What I mean is, it's known. BUT, I will forge on and see what it is like. So here we go, I am not far! How will we celebrate? Maybe a buffet? Guess that's out. Ohh Ohh I know! We can go to Shogun's! ...hmm nope.
Also, I would love to get my readership up. A lot of you have said that the blog helps you and I want to help others by being EMBARRASSINGLY honest. So, if you have a friend who would like it, send them my way.

Talk soon,

Roy

Ladies and Gentlemen, the real Roy Agee...crickets.

Well, here we are. One month into this experiment, we have an extra $1,000.00 in the bank and I lost 15 pounds. This is the right direction, and not eating out has not been hard really. It just takes planning and a sense of commitment. But then again, THAT can BE the hard part.
Although the weight loss (and the newly found musculature) is exciting, it isn't the most exciting part. Neither is the money. The most exciting part of this is finding out who I really am. Who has been hidden all this time? For people that know me on a cursory level, what I just said is a curiosity. Most people can't believe I have ever felt "hidden." They think my humor and personality is that of someone with a lot of confidence. For people who really KNOW know me, they know that I have had many obsessions and fears that, at times, could be debilitating. They know that I am very sensitive and hurt easily. They know that I have tried to hide everything about myself, from my talents, to my size, to virtually everything I possess. I am a master of camouflage. Always have been. I had rather die than cause anyone else discomfort. I want to be clear...this is NOT healthy and I AM working on it.
My weight is not about eating. It is not about a lack of exercise. It is not about leptins, or protein, blood type, or carbs. MY weight is about a flawed perception of self and the world around me. It is a misconception that I am unwanted or "in the way." A hideously twisted view of being less then everyone else...almost sub -human. Tears well in my eyes as I type this because..it's the truth as I have known it. Anytime I felt like a failure, I just wanted to go to someplace with a slogan like "In here it's ALWAYS Friday", "America's Favorite Pizza", "In Here You're ALWAYS Family" and my fav "Let's Go Outback Tonight" Let me say, if my food needs a slogan...it's not safe. What the industry sells are doses of "it'll be ok" --a maniacal "party in your mouth" and respite from the head trip that is low self- esteem. I am choosing to walk away.
Here are some slogans I am working on for some of my current home-cooked foods.

"Chicken: It Tastes Like Chicken!"
"Broccoli: A Big Green Punch In The Mouth"
"Salad: Eat A Pound At A Time---Take A Crap"
"Water---(im still workin on that one)
"Fruit: Rockin Since The Dawn Of Time"
"Sweet Potatoes: Succulent Superliciousness"
and finally
"Beans: BAM"

I think you get the idea...

On January 1 of this year, I was cleaning the cat box when this idea of abstaining and keeping a blog hit me. It was as though it wasn't my idea at all, but rather a mandate from someone else. Someone stronger. So I am following this mandate faithfully and so far...it IS changing my life. I am awake..I know I am loved and worthy. I see people and really HEAR them. I have a better life, not just a between-meals existence. I really am alive. I am 37 and here I am trying to lose weight for real this time. Trying to become who I am...without knowing the whole picture. Scary? Yes. Exciting? Yes. Without hardship? No. It is a walk though the dark to find the break of day, without knowing for sure that day will come. A walk of faith. Isn't that why the chicken crossed the road? "Chicken: Now With 1/3 Less Beak!" hhaha
Thanks for listening!


Roy