First, my dad. The doctor told me that they were pretty sure he has Lymphoma in his bone marrow. It is a disease which he has had for a while and it has gotten a bit more aggressive. The tumors he has in his body have gotten larger but still the treatment remains mild. They are going to treat his cancer with an antibody rather than chemo at this point, which seems not as scary but I guess we will know more as we go along. Daddy seems like he is ok though. It is hard to read his will and think about his mortality...the house...the property..the funeral. It all makes me sad. But it is good to be prepared.
I have changed. A lot. I mean, mentally I am really happy for the first time in....well...maybe ever. It scares me because I have not been really awake for this long. 37 years of wandering around in a sleepy haze filled with decadent, brain altering cuisine. But now, after however many days of not eating out, I have some distance on a destructive pattern that ruled me. I am not sure if I will make it the rest of the year..but I DO want it to retain it's proper perspective. I hate to be controlled! Coming out of this 37 year old food coma carries with it GREAT risk. My mind is filled with perilous "what ifs"
WHAT IF
people think I am shallow
I am not that great a guy after all
My wife won't like me anymore
We don't have anything in common any more?
I lose my sense of humor
people think I am shallow
I am not that great a guy after all
My wife won't like me anymore
We don't have anything in common any more?
I lose my sense of humor
I won't bore you with more..(I think you get the idea). The real question is...Are the "risks" worth it? Honestly...yes. Don't misunderstand, I would be devastated if these things were true. Really. Wiped out. BUT how fair is it that I don't know what it is like NOT to fear an airplane seat? NOT to be nervous that a little kid will point me out and tell people "I'm big". How fair is it that I walked around for so many years secretly hating "happy people". I don't like saying that out loud. But it's true..I wanted to be dark before they could get to me. Before people could attack, I was ready...by being mentally "at the ready". How fair is it that I self-deprecate JUST to lower others expectations? What happens if:
I am happy and sure of myself
I am strong enough to handle what comes
I see the best in people and act accordingly
I know love in a new way
I protect my wife, rather than enable her.
I believe people see me as good
kind
smart
talented
and open.
to them
to others
to myself?
What happens then? What is life really like with all of this in place? Well....I. Don't. Know. Not yet. This blog isn't about not eating out. It isn't really about weight loss or recipes or exercise. This blog is about running headlong into a black fog---into a reality that is literally unknown...at least to me. Instead of writing to you from the "other side", where it is all "figured out", you will see me as I fumble through the dark. I tell you this because, I have been stalling. I have been unsure whether to continue. Maybe I should slow down. Maybe I should be "more moderate". Maybe, I am not supposed to be "that guy" who loses weight and becomes like "everyone else". Well, I don't want to stall. I want to move forward. I want to see what it is like.
So, here is my plan.
On days when I am not working a bunch, I will be taking a 6 a.m. class...doing some weights...a walk, bike or swim...A 5:30 p.m. class or swim (with Kristie). On the weekends or on days when we are both off, I will be walking or hiking with her. My plan is about 4 hours of exercise spread throughout the day. I would LOVE to burn 5,000 calories in exercise a day (for a total of 8,000 calories burned) I don't know if I can. If I can't...ok. But I will know for SURE that I can't. This is a similar regimen to the biggest loser (they actually do a little more) but I want to try. The food will be around 1800 calories and a LOT of veggies. 4 servings of veggies 3 of protein 2 of grain..1 (200 cal) of a freebie (treat or a really fatty item such as avocado) I am going to run as hard as I can in this direction and TRUST that life will be as good there as it is here. This is my plan. I have hovered at 3 or 4 pounds above 300 lbs like a frightened child climbing his first steps. I am willing to fall now. God I pray that it is going to be the right thing to do.
Thank you for wading through the heaviness of these posts...I know it is intense...If you are following along and doing your version of a "shift in reality"...I am proud of you. People like you strengthen the backbone of our race. If you are just reading along...thank you so much. People like YOU help people like ME find courage.
If you are not reading this...you owe me money...like a bunch of money. Send it now.
Thank you!
Roy
I am strong enough to handle what comes
I see the best in people and act accordingly
I know love in a new way
I protect my wife, rather than enable her.
I believe people see me as good
kind
smart
talented
and open.
to them
to others
to myself?
What happens then? What is life really like with all of this in place? Well....I. Don't. Know. Not yet. This blog isn't about not eating out. It isn't really about weight loss or recipes or exercise. This blog is about running headlong into a black fog---into a reality that is literally unknown...at least to me. Instead of writing to you from the "other side", where it is all "figured out", you will see me as I fumble through the dark. I tell you this because, I have been stalling. I have been unsure whether to continue. Maybe I should slow down. Maybe I should be "more moderate". Maybe, I am not supposed to be "that guy" who loses weight and becomes like "everyone else". Well, I don't want to stall. I want to move forward. I want to see what it is like.
So, here is my plan.
On days when I am not working a bunch, I will be taking a 6 a.m. class...doing some weights...a walk, bike or swim...A 5:30 p.m. class or swim (with Kristie). On the weekends or on days when we are both off, I will be walking or hiking with her. My plan is about 4 hours of exercise spread throughout the day. I would LOVE to burn 5,000 calories in exercise a day (for a total of 8,000 calories burned) I don't know if I can. If I can't...ok. But I will know for SURE that I can't. This is a similar regimen to the biggest loser (they actually do a little more) but I want to try. The food will be around 1800 calories and a LOT of veggies. 4 servings of veggies 3 of protein 2 of grain..1 (200 cal) of a freebie (treat or a really fatty item such as avocado) I am going to run as hard as I can in this direction and TRUST that life will be as good there as it is here. This is my plan. I have hovered at 3 or 4 pounds above 300 lbs like a frightened child climbing his first steps. I am willing to fall now. God I pray that it is going to be the right thing to do.
Thank you for wading through the heaviness of these posts...I know it is intense...If you are following along and doing your version of a "shift in reality"...I am proud of you. People like you strengthen the backbone of our race. If you are just reading along...thank you so much. People like YOU help people like ME find courage.
If you are not reading this...you owe me money...like a bunch of money. Send it now.
Thank you!
Roy
3 comments:
You're doing the right thing.
Lots of emotional turmoil associated with deciding you want to live a better life, be a different person.
Been there, done that, and it got very ugly at points along the way. Very scary as well. It's tough reading what you write, because it brings the memories back. At least you have friends who will stick with you, and it looks like family will as well. I lost most of both, had to rebuild from near zero, and some days I wake up ticked-off about it, all these years later.
Good news is, I wake up in the morning, and in good health to boot.
That was in doubt at points. But I had the advantage of knowing, as do you, that to not go through the process would lead to either an early and unpleasant death, or a life that resembled the life of an invalid.
So sorry to hear about your dad's travails. Hope you use it as an opportunity to make the best use of every day you have him. Mortality is actually a gift, in its own way, as it focuses our attention.
This business of facing the dark is scary. I've sat up lately thinking about the things that bother me most. One night I saw a form and it caused me to freeze up. It was nothing in the end, but for a moment it seemed to threaten my very life. The next day I went to the Y and sat in my car frozen with the same feeling. So, I get up today and read your post and realize I'm not alone.
Susan
i just love figuring out who i am now. /sarcasm/ it seems i have to go through this pretty regularly. it's not easy, but i figure that if i don't know me, then others can't either... so i press on. press on, roy. we'll figure it out one day. =)
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