Devotion

Maybe I am too attached to this. I mean, I am NOT my weight, but it sure feels like it sometimes. After all, there IS a war on obesity right now.. don't tell them where I live OK? Imagine the scene... a team of white lab-coated dietitians scurrying for cover while I throw lemon bars and fatty meats toward them. I will make it RAIN MILK CHOCOLATE---- MOTHERS! But seriously, I try to dis identify with the number on the scale and I can't. Maybe this is part of the problem.. I can't imagine myself any smaller. I don't have a clue what I would look like or feel like. Sometimes this imagination-block happens in music.
It could be playing a passage over and over with a glitch then discovering that when you sing it...you sing the glitch. In this way, the part of the music that is hanging us up..has made it to our imagination. When you work out the glitch with your voice (free from an external instrument) often when you go back...it plays itself. So in art...imagination is the overlord of reality. It births all known things. Paintings, sounds, dance, buildings...every human endeavor existed as a thought first.
Over-Attachment to music happens too.. It means too much sometimes. It can make me happy or sad. It has too much power. I mean it holds a reverent place in my life, but I am NOT music. I am not my trombone...my piano..my writing. I am separate from all of that and I am USING music to reveal myself...to you...and to me. They call music (and all art) a discipline. Think of a disciple... Why are they devoted? We have free will...so why? Could it be love? Could we want to follow something out of love or reverence? Slide Hampton (Trombone/World Renown composer) talks about why he practices. I remember he said "Music has given me so much, so I practice to give it back"
Pardon my aside with the music example BUT the same principles apply with weight. I am having a hard time imagining myself thinner. So there is my first problem. The second problem has to do with misuse of discipline. I started wanting to move because it made me feel more focused and happy. It made me want to do things...and it helped me get things done. I felt devoted to it because it was changing my life. It wasn't all about my size when I started this time. Somehow, the drive to push myself became less about becoming stronger and faster, and more about "when the hell am I going to lose weight?" I lost sight of why I started out to begin with. I lost my devotion...my discipleship. I want to be thinner...it's true. But more than that, I want to be devoted to my mind...body...my sense of who I am without any labels (talented...funny..sweet..fat..thin..)...devoted to a life that I stumbled upon all by riding my bike with no idea where I might end up.
So I am starting again tomorrow. I am going to go see my friends at the gym. I am going to push...because I can...and that is a miracle. I am going to be happier...and more focused...and I will devote time to the people and the things I love. My wife, friends, animals, the trombone, my garden. I am going to do this because my body will allow it. And because it gives me that...I will give back.

Thank you!

Roy

Food, Weight, and Our World View.

"Your relationship to food is an unexpected path to almost everything. It is doorway, not a wall, an opening, not a closing. All that you believe about love, change, joy and possibility is revealed in how, when and what you eat. The world is on your plate." ---- Geneen Roth

These words ring true as I refocus my commitment to change. For me, all of this experience has been a doorway. It has lead me to discover...or rather..UNcover who I am. Although this is mostly a positive experience, there are times when I have come face to face with my oppressor. It takes many guises...the perfectionist, "Good Time" Roy, depression. It is also a surrogate...for comfort, sensuality, love. As a matter of fact, I had a rough day. I didn't think I played my trombone all that well today. It made me sad...I mean..I love it. I love to play and just want to sound they way I imagine it...but today I didn't. I made it safely to my coffee shop...Ugly Mugs. But in order to make it here, I had to make it through a GAUNTLET of fast food and tons of triggering self-talk/labeling. This would have been a no-brainer in years past. I would have asked Kristie if she wanted to get Mexican food and we would have...I would have damaged my health and the health of someone I love very very much. As I write this, my eyes well up a little...because I know it's true. I have done a lot of damage. All over not being enough. Good enough, talented enough, strong enough, thin enough. Not enough. So there is a stand in--- FOOD...when I really need a hug or some sort of connection/ word of encouragement I just want to eat. I didn't...but god..I wanted to.
Instead of feeding my wife (and myself) more toxic food...I will cook for us. It is not what I WANT to do...but it is what I will do.
Now look, I am telling you this not for sympathy but because I want you to SEE what happens and how connected belief systems/emotions are to weight and food. It is an illustration. This stuff is real. So many people don't believe it. They say "stop eating so much"..."be moderate". It is not ABOUT food. It IS about what we believe to be true about ourselves. And let me tell you something...if what we believe leads us this far off course...it isn't true. If you can't muster the strength to argue with the voices at least look at their heading. Working the problem backwards, I see that I am in a body that is a reflection of my world view. "It isn't safe and you can't handle it" leads to extra weight. "You will never be enough" Leads to toxic behavior.


A doorway, not a wall

I have to believe this is true. Symbolically, I am against a wall. A plateau. No weight loss no matter what I do. Stuck. I suppose we are to keep pressing on the wall..until it gives way.

An opening, not a closing.

This one I actually get. My life before this Epiphany was a closed book. I didn't KNOW it, but it was. I couldn't have made any kind of connection with you if I WANTED to. Life itself was sort of inaccessible to me. Now, even though there are rough times..I have access.

All you believe about Love:

Worthy/not worthy. Love is for skinny people. Love is not for the morbidly obese. The flip side/new way of looking at it is---love is for human beings. We all qualify. Love, affection, sensuality/sexuality, love of what we do...all of it belongs to us.

Change:

Change is too hard. My life will be shorter, but at least I can coast through. New way/ change is not easy..but I get to meet someone I never really knew...me.


Joy:

THIS is the one I THOUGHT I knew! I didn't. Joy is not about laughing all the time. Fact is, we can laugh at tragedy and feel nothing but sadness. Joy is seeing the union of the mundane and the magnificent. It is saying "this is the best day ever" for NO REASON. (and believing it) Seeing something/someone you see everyday and noticing something new. When WE change..the entire world changes with us...because the world is how we perceive it.

POSSIBILITY

What if:

I am already enough

My life JUST started

Weight did not determine what I did

I wasn't controlled

Life was manageable without a crutch

I am like you

We aren't alone?

What would life look like on your own terms? You decide where you go, what you do, how you do it. Would YOUR body change with this new world view? Is your body already there?

:)

Mine is getting there...

Roy

Meant to be??

Will it ever happen for me? Will I EVER really lose weight? I. Don't. Know. I have no way OF knowing. I still weigh the same. Hovering over 300 lbs. This feels impossible. I mean I am working out hard...sometimes once...sometimes twice. I am logging my food. I am changing shape..(I look different) BUT NO WEIGHT LOSS. I know I know...it's probably muscle. Well, I have the thought "A pound of muscle and a pound of fat weigh the same...a POUND". Uggghhhhh If ever I have thought of quitting, now would be the time. Can it be that I am MEANT to be overweight??? Defeated by my own DNA...my own body??


Well...plans remain the same...even with discouragement and a sense of "trying to change the unchangeable" I go. I hate to admit this, but I have heard/hear "You should just accept yourself the way you are...losing weight just means you will gain it back...you aren't moderate...you are going down a road that ends with you becoming BIGGER!" "You need to be really careful...you might have a heart attack" "A guy your size shouldn't jump" " Don't jog..it's too much impact for someone YOUR SIZE" On and on the voices go...opinions...my best interest at heart. At the end of all of these tapes are the old "Ok...well I might as well ENJOY my life." "Let's have a CHEESE PARTY!!!!" But now, there are new voices emerging. Spoken by people I see everyday and now becoming part of my inner dialogue. "You are doing amazing work" "You are an inspiration" "You CAN do it" "You are busting ass" "Just because you are a big guy doesn't mean you can't do it"

The debate rages on in my head...but today, I must admit...the old team has the ball. The cannots are winning today. I am writing you from Rosepepper Cantina where I have ordered chicken fajitas with no butter or oil. I am writing in part to keep myself out of the chips...although it's not really working. I plan on counting (estimating) the calories in this meal...not gonna sweep it under the rug. So this is a slip in real-time...not an "after the event" report but a blow by blow commentary on how scary it is to feel out of control right NOW...but at least I am talking...not just giving up.. (Even if it is in virtual reality) If I can get a foothold on these feelings I will do Nikole's class at 5:30 today.

I really really want to lose this weight. Yes it is a number...but have you ever been told you were uninsurable? Ever been labeled "excessive"? How about a personal fave---"Morbidly Obese"?
God...it sounds like a rancid ball of hot liquid DEATH. These are situations and labels that are ALSO based on a number. I have lived through being "Husky" when I was a kid to "Plus sized" as an adolescent to "Big and Tall" as an adult. I am sick of it. And this is only a SMALL part of why I want to change. The real reasons have to do with living life. Yes disease and death---being labeled...I guess they motivate. BUT, for me, it's all the things I want to experience for the first time that REALLY do it. Death doesn't turn me on....LIFE does.

This is hard. I will continue..but I really need to feel like I am going somewhere. I need it.


Thank you so much..

Roy

Seeing the same thing with different eyes.

Hello!

Since last time we spoke, I started incorporating eating out again. We went to J. Alexander's to celebrate a friends success. Here is what I noticed about the experience:

The sounds:

I used to really love the party atmosphere. The clanking and the voices..the lighting. On this night, I found myself becoming annoyed with the noise. There were people laughing loudly and a kid clanking incessantly on a sugar dispenser. I could only think..."I wish it were quieter"

The soda:

An endless sea of carbonated goodness. The way it prickles when you drink it. Lovely! Except...I forgot how bloody full I feel when it settles. I also noticed that it generates a sort of "manic" state in regards to eating my food. I wanted to eat faster..I wanted to talk less..I wanted to check my e-mail...look around..I WANTED to isolate in a CROWDED room. It is hard for me to tell if all of it was related to the soda...but it did accelerate everything.

The Food:

I tried to be as healthy as I could. I got a Thai Kai salad, Baked Potato (everything on the side), Huge Broccoli Stalk. I figured if I load down on veggies I have a better chance of feeling satisfied. I know that if I ate a hamburger and french fries...there would not be enough volume. The food tasted great! I love the salad and the crunch of the Broccoli. Everything tasted wonderful.

Aftermath:

3:15 a.m. I have to get up to have a FOOD BABY. God I was so hung over! I didn't think I ate that much! But I ate more than I am currently eating at home. So, I am not used to it! Wow...it did NOT feel good. I had to choke down bfast...(the great stabilizer)

Overall:

The experience wasn't as wonderful as it once was. I felt like curling into a ball because I was overstimulated, over carbonated, and overfed. The worst part of it, is I overate at my Sunday night potluck...it was like eating out triggered the monster.

So, here I am regulating things and getting back into the swing of it. I have a new Bodybugg (bodybugg.com) and I plan on doing at least 2 workouts tomorrow (just because I have time)
I can feel myself slipping back into an old way. The way that has taken so much away from me. I don't want to have this happen. So, tomorrow, I will fight.


I have something that has been bothering me a bit that I will speak of the next time I write. But right now, I want to know how YOU are doing. Weight loss for some of us is a rewiring of our brains. It requires that we change every small decision we make. It is easy to slip back into the "way things were" because it's easier / more convenient/ draws less criticism/ the way things are done/ kids wont eat that way/ husband doesn't like seafood/ wife is afraid of change/
Believe me, they are all valid. Really. But if we step outside ourselves for just a second, we will see that the voice that explains away our opportunities for realization...is the same voice that makes our "comfort zones" smaller and smaller. This process can have us feeling like we are an island pretty quickly. Often, being overweight/addicted and being lonely go hand in hand...I think what I just described is a large part of why. So I challenge you to challenge your dialogue in the coming days...

You can't walk/cycle/go to the gym/run/swim. Prepare healthy food/know what you are eating/how many calories/drink enough water.

Really?

It is hard for me too. I get it. But I believe in you JUST like you believe in me.

Roy

Dis-couragement.

Goofy photo:
"Too Close For Missles
Switching To Guns"
From: Top Gun (Got this shirt from 80stees.com) haha
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I have been trying to lose the same 3 to 6 pounds for a while now. I am doing everything "right" and still I gain..or stay the same. Up and down I go so close to a major milestone for me. I want to get beyond this impossible wall so so much. Yesterday I burned close to 4,000 calories in exercise alone. Today around 1000. I am also eating healthfully. I did the "low carb thing" for a while...(less than 30 carbs a day) but cannot see why eating vegetables or a limited number (2 servings a day) of whole grains would be bad. SO I changed that. PLUS I couldn't shit! Something is horribly wrong when an entire body system just goes DOWN! For the love of all that is holy THAT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. In the wild, if it got to that point ya know what happened? YOU DIED. That's right....DIED. What was life expectancy for cave men anyway...like a month?? oh well... So I started eating vegetables again...(how dare I) All kidding aside, I do feel very discouraged...or do I?
Sometimes, I like to look at a word I have heard all of my life. I mean REALLY look at it. Let's take DISCOURAGE. DIS-COURAGE...Dis means "lack of", and courage well means bravery or will. So, when I feel discouraged, I don't feel defeated. I feel angry. I am talking angry inside...when I talk to others I know the appropriate social expressions for discouragement...mopy face..downturn eyes..sad voice. But this is incongruent with what I actually feel. I feel rage. I feel controlled and held down. Instead of giving up, I turn that rage hungry machine on myself. I don't want to be inactive..I want to hurt...me. This is true in every area of life. I hate it about myself. In my head is a voice that says "you are meant to be here..no matter what." "Fuck it...I quit..lets go get something to eat." It isn't complacent resignation. Instead, it is a direct attack. I know that if that is active in my system...I haven't lost courage...it is just pointing the wrong way. I am pointing the gun THE WRONG WAY! Make no mistake, I am feeling pretty bad about my gain, but I cannot afford for my addict to run the show. It has to be me. It has to be my way. I have been working so hard and lots of people have noticed that I look different but still I hover and hover. "They are being nice" "THEY know you haven't REALLY lost weight" AAAHHHHH!!! I plan on continuing my exercise regimen but I will need to change it up. I am going to start using weights again and maybe adding swimming into the mix as well. My food? Lean and homemade, 1 lb of veggies...2 gallons of water. If shooting for a 5,000-8,000 burn a day and eating clean DOESN'T get me there I don't know what the hell I will do. I am going to trust I suppose.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

God I pray that this is the right thing.

Wow... It has been a few days. I have a lot on my mind and have worked a lot so that's why...but I miss it when I don't get to check in.

First, my dad. The doctor told me that they were pretty sure he has Lymphoma in his bone marrow. It is a disease which he has had for a while and it has gotten a bit more aggressive. The tumors he has in his body have gotten larger but still the treatment remains mild. They are going to treat his cancer with an antibody rather than chemo at this point, which seems not as scary but I guess we will know more as we go along. Daddy seems like he is ok though. It is hard to read his will and think about his mortality...the house...the property..the funeral. It all makes me sad. But it is good to be prepared.
I have changed. A lot. I mean, mentally I am really happy for the first time in....well...maybe ever. It scares me because I have not been really awake for this long. 37 years of wandering around in a sleepy haze filled with decadent, brain altering cuisine. But now, after however many days of not eating out, I have some distance on a destructive pattern that ruled me. I am not sure if I will make it the rest of the year..but I DO want it to retain it's proper perspective. I hate to be controlled! Coming out of this 37 year old food coma carries with it GREAT risk. My mind is filled with perilous "what ifs"

WHAT IF

people think I am shallow
I am not that great a guy after all
My wife won't like me anymore
We don't have anything in common any more?
I lose my sense of humor

I won't bore you with more..(I think you get the idea). The real question is...Are the "risks" worth it? Honestly...yes. Don't misunderstand, I would be devastated if these things were true. Really. Wiped out. BUT how fair is it that I don't know what it is like NOT to fear an airplane seat? NOT to be nervous that a little kid will point me out and tell people "I'm big". How fair is it that I walked around for so many years secretly hating "happy people". I don't like saying that out loud. But it's true..I wanted to be dark before they could get to me. Before people could attack, I was ready...by being mentally "at the ready". How fair is it that I self-deprecate JUST to lower others expectations? What happens if:

I am happy and sure of myself
I am strong enough to handle what comes
I see the best in people and act accordingly
I know love in a new way
I protect my wife, rather than enable her.
I believe people see me as good
kind
smart
talented
and open.
to them
to others
to myself?

What happens then? What is life really like with all of this in place? Well....I. Don't. Know. Not yet. This blog isn't about not eating out. It isn't really about weight loss or recipes or exercise. This blog is about running headlong into a black fog---into a reality that is literally unknown...at least to me. Instead of writing to you from the "other side", where it is all "figured out", you will see me as I fumble through the dark. I tell you this because, I have been stalling. I have been unsure whether to continue. Maybe I should slow down. Maybe I should be "more moderate". Maybe, I am not supposed to be "that guy" who loses weight and becomes like "everyone else". Well, I don't want to stall. I want to move forward. I want to see what it is like.

So, here is my plan.

On days when I am not working a bunch, I will be taking a 6 a.m. class...doing some weights...a walk, bike or swim...A 5:30 p.m. class or swim (with Kristie). On the weekends or on days when we are both off, I will be walking or hiking with her. My plan is about 4 hours of exercise spread throughout the day. I would LOVE to burn 5,000 calories in exercise a day (for a total of 8,000 calories burned) I don't know if I can. If I can't...ok. But I will know for SURE that I can't. This is a similar regimen to the biggest loser (they actually do a little more) but I want to try. The food will be around 1800 calories and a LOT of veggies. 4 servings of veggies 3 of protein 2 of grain..1 (200 cal) of a freebie (treat or a really fatty item such as avocado) I am going to run as hard as I can in this direction and TRUST that life will be as good there as it is here. This is my plan. I have hovered at 3 or 4 pounds above 300 lbs like a frightened child climbing his first steps. I am willing to fall now. God I pray that it is going to be the right thing to do.

Thank you for wading through the heaviness of these posts...I know it is intense...If you are following along and doing your version of a "shift in reality"...I am proud of you. People like you strengthen the backbone of our race. If you are just reading along...thank you so much. People like YOU help people like ME find courage.
If you are not reading this...you owe me money...like a bunch of money. Send it now.

Thank you!

Roy

GET UP

I suppose with any endeavour continuous refocusing is required. I tend to think in absolutes. If you do X --it will always lead to Y. That could go for anything from playing music to losing weight. "If I do long tones, I will be a great player" "If I run a mile a day, I will lose weight" Neither are true by themselves..they are a piece of the puzzle...but not the whole picture. Fact is, it takes more than just exercise to lose weight. It takes a commitment to healthy food AND exercise. It also takes an examination of self. Really looking at what controls us and makes us want to hide from ourselves. I have experienced a set-back. I have gained a little weight back. I am not surprised since my bender a few nights ago with a bottle (or 3) of wine. Plus, I went on the road and ate too much. So here I am having to pick up where I left off. I went to Zumba and Sports Conditioning for the past couple of days and am starting to feel reconnected to my routine again. I also am watching my calories closely and I'm starting to feel my body responding again.
Today, I go to the doctor with my Dad. I will find out more and when I do, you will know more too. It is my understanding that we doing a marrow biopsy today. So, here we go..maybe nothing is wrong. If there is, I guess we are up for a fight. We will see. Fear will not rule me. "Take the next step" is my current motto.
In other news, I am SO FREAKING SORE. I have done 2 days of morning plus evening workouts and I feel like my body has just given out. I push so hard to get through. I have to get angry sometimes to make it. If you see a look of rampage on my face, don't worry...it's not you..it's me.
So I feel like I am doing pretty well, although the perfectionist in me doesn't like anything but forward momentum. But, sometimes, it isn't about throwing punches so much as it is TAKING a punch. It is about getting up again. Over and over. Accepting the setback. Get up. Gain some weight? Get up. Someone hurt you? Get up. Lose your job? Get up. Feel like you can't do it? Get up. Feel like you will fail? Get up...get up get...up. When we take the punch, get up, accept a setback, or otherwise fly in the face of fear we walk in faith that we can handle what comes. Make NO MISTAKE here...all of the above mentioned things hurt. A lot. And some of the greatest leaders in history have felt the same terrible feelings associated with failure and tragedy BUT they felt those feelings while they tried again. I will keep trying in ALL areas of my life. One thing I have learned is---I can take pain.

Thank you for everything.

You are appreciated very much,

Roy

Slippery Slopes.

I am terrified. I think my dad is really sick. I say "I think" because I don't really know. I will know more on Wednesday. I am taking him to the doctor so I can personally hear what they say. If his "counts are up", then I want to know what that means. If he needs treatment, I want to know what sort. My dad told my brother that he has been trying to gain weight and can't. This scares the shit out of me. I hope that everything works out to be OK. I guess I just wasn't really ready to think about his mortality yet. Even if he is fine, just the thought is terrifying enough. I didn't think it would come so soon. It seems like yesterday that one of my worst fears came true with mom's passing...and now the possibility of his..I hope that I am just worrying. Please let this be panic.

I am obligated to tell you about how this affects food and weight issues right now. It seems like these are completely meaningless, but you need to know that it is very important to me and requires all of my strength. All of it. This possible illness, along with some other challenging aspects of life, feels like it is more than I can handle. I am on serious shaky ground with food right now. I want to eat out so badly. SO badly. I don't have any food ready right now and I am starving. I have music due (thank god) and feel that old familiar "I am out of time" crunch that led to so many afternoons eating something to soothe the "Empty". Worry...rogue worry. I am sooo much better about that, but today, I am just sitting thinking of loss. Real loss I have experienced, and the thought of new. Going hand in hand with these, are the thoughts of all that I am not. All the shortcomings. I think this happens because I see mortality in others and I scramble for an exemption to the very thing that makes us human. Awareness. Awareness of our death...of our life...of ourselves. I want to put all of that to bed. The bad thoughts come in these times.. "I want to be a success before it's too late...be thin..good looking...finally be what I am supposed to be...no longer a disappointment...finally worthy". But this process, I have learned, is a panic response and has little (if anything) to do with reality.

This is reality as I see it.

I love my parents. I have had many years with them.
I am my father's son. He is the funniest man I know. Period.
My Father is ALIVE and seems well.
All life ceases. Mine will one day...so will his.
My dad is strong. As hell. Always was. He is brave and can face whatever comes.

As far as I go,

I am a worthy person. Worthy of love, respect, support, kindness.
I am a success. Monetary, personal, inter-personal.
I am becoming more in shape everyday. I work hard....very hard.
Objectively, I am good looking. Using an artists eye, I see that I have lots of great
lines in my face and body.

Old thoughts lead to old actions. I write these words not just for you to see but to use as alternative to eating. I write these words to save my own life. Not just "be around" for a long time. Honestly, I don't give a shit about "being around". I want to LIVE. That means that I ACTIVELY LIVE my life. Do the things I want...be free. Free of this...well...whatever it is. Use my mind and my body and my creativity..humor..presence for a life WELL- LIVED.

So I will face the rest of this day. Try to get some things done. Try not to imagine problems that don't yet (and may never) exist. Be healthy and happy. Live in the face of mortality. Do my best.


Thank you again

Roy

P.S. When asked if Daddy had "talked to the preacher" at church, he said...."ABOUT WHAT?"

hahah