Shhhhh....listen.

I am the voice that must be heard. I am the one who knows the way. Never raise my voice--YOU must raise your awareness. The minute you stop clutching so hard to what you think you know, I appear. Like a sound that you don't notice until it stops. I will always tell you the truth. And the truth?...is always an affirmative. Listen carefully...I sing often...but softly.

Have you ever really paid attention to the part of yourself that knows you can do something? The part of you that isn't hijacked by fear...masquerading as "realism" or "being practical". By "pay attention", I mean ACTED as though you believed it...just once? I know, for me, when I believe the "knowingness" I feel both fear AND conviction. A conviction that I believe can only come from the truth in an absolute form. Like law. I think there are opportunities to hear and follow this voice everyday. Millions of people get to it in millions of ways. But for me, pain pushed me into understanding it for myself.

In 2005, as I have told you before, I lost my Mother to cancer. Yes, it was very very difficult. But, looking back, the worst part for me wasn't losing her...it was knowing that I was GOING to lose her. When I found out that there was no more hope...THAT was the worst day of my life. The six months or so after learning this, was spent mostly visiting with her and the rest of my family...working in my Dad's garden and kneading bread. Random? Well, yes. But, it felt as though I was following a mandate. A map to get from this hell...to living life with a major part missing. Learning to live with a hole that will never be filled. BUT, the thing is, I WAS learning from this voice inside of me HOW to do it. How to move on. How to cope. How to be who I am...on my own.

As the disease wore on, I learned that I had a strength that I assumed I didn't have. I was the little brother. Protected and shielded from everything. Unable to withstand anything hard or taxing. I was supposed to be babied and cared for. This is the line of thinking I had until I was faced my Mom's death. During the summer nights of July and August, as the time came for her to move on, I had developed a sense strength and individuality. I could witness this awfulness and withstand and care for the person it was ravaging. I felt good about being able to be there for her. My entire family was there with me and I felt like a part of something that was, even as things fell apart, beautiful.

Two years after all of this I realized that the knowingness that I had encountered was still intact. I had gone through a very sad couple of years and eaten, and DRANK about it. I had gained more weight, which wasn't anything out of the norm for me. I was accustomed to gaining weight and losing a little so I could gain it back. But it had gotten away from me a little this time. I spent the better part of 2007 thinking about what to do.

2008. In the summer, I bought a bicycle. A Townie. It is a heavy bike meant for cruising and I started to ride it. I hated it. It made my butt hurt. Some times the seat would slip and I would feel bad about my size. "Too fat to ride a bike" went through my mind a LOT. But, I tightened the seat and..I'll be damned if that didn't fix it. hah So, NOT love at first ride. But, one day I got on it, and decided I was going to ride to the pedestrian bridge in Shelby bottoms. I did it. I thought I would die. Mostly, hijacked by fear, I gave up on exercise. After all, I had lost a little weight so it was time to put it back on now. But, this time, the voice that told me to garden...to knead bread, to make sure I was there for my Mom...my family...and for me, told me that I should try again. It didn't shout. No fanfare. In fact, it was kind of quiet. I rode from my street all the way to the main entrance of the park. 4 or 5 miles. I listened to music. I felt a lot of drive...a lot of emotional fuel.

I got religious about doing it everyday....I started to bike everywhere I could. Gigs...bars (not the best decision) I even bought lights and biked at night. I loved it now. I loved the freedom of it. I learned that, in those moments, I felt like my own man. In line with what I knew to be the truth. The knowingness.

2009. Ymca. I had done a Zumba class on the suggestion of Jenny Littleton. We (Kristie and I) went to Las Maracas and had dinner and then we went to Jenny's evening class. I was pretty sick. My stomach kept burning. It was cool out now and I wasn't enjoying biking as much so I was going to "join a gym" for the umpteenth time. Bleech. I just wanted to eat. It is easier. I am not one of these people. The active, "talk to each other" types. hah. I was a lonesome person by design...and I am not meant to jump. A couple of months after that, I woke up and went to a morning class. I just thought, I can lay here until lunch...or I can get up and go try this one more time. It was hard. Very hard. I could do a song and a half and then I would have to rest. Sara taught it and I thought I would die once again.

After it was over, I decided I would probably not be back because I couldn't do it really. AND I looked really stupid in front of all these pretty moms. Talk about feeling shame. Holy Crap! So I went home and, after a bit, I noticed Sara had posted something on my wall on FB. I was hooked in. I kept going. I learned the steps. I could go longer. I could do more of it. This "knowingness" had spread to another person and they reached out...and it worked. I was back.

Zumba was followed by Nikoletta's class soon after that.

When I first met her, she talked very frankly about my weight and about weight loss. I was mortified. Because, here was another pretty lady and we are talking about my body. I wanted to die. But I hid it. I watched a class, and it was ridiculous to me at the time. Crawling around...lifting things...jumping! Oh GOD JUMPING!!! I left...assuming I wouldn't do that....ever. She wrote me, and said, "I am waiting for you". So sweet to reach for me. Sweet that she cared...and she is great at what she does. I went...it was on the edge of impossible for me. I mean HARD. I kept coming...got stronger. I can do most of it now...

All in all, I lost around 40 more lbs from mid '09 to early '10. Recently, I started running and have now completed my first 5k. I ran 4.1 miles yesterday and I have Kristine Mylls to thank for getting me into it. Mark Miller trained me and a whole cast of people continue to support me. In a few weeks, I will be running the "East Nasty" which is a six mile run with lots of hills. It is the only way to earn the East Nasty sticker. Remember, "acting" as though you believe? I will run this course. I will get the sticker. I will be running a 1/2 Marathon in April. I will lose the rest of my weight. I am not saying I don't have doubts and fears. I am choosing to ignore them and go with the voice that knows the truth. I think of all the half-truths and outright lies I have told myself. I have clutched onto what I though I knew so hard....thought so loud that I could not hear. I raise my awareness by ACTING the way I want to be. The more lies..("I can't" "I am too fat" "Too busy" "Too Broke") I let go of, the more I hear a song I recognize. A tune we all know together....truth.

Fellow Y'ers and runners...I will see you Monday if not before. Once decision at a time, I will be the one piecing a life together.

Roy