Stand.

My story is not unlike many others...maybe it is a lot like yours. Maybe you felt like you knew who you were. Comfortable. Not perfect but we found a way to make it "work". Settled. Maybe, like me, some of you realized later that you had no idea what was in you. Maybe you got here by pushing yourself....or circumstance...or both. It doesn't matter much how we got here, I think what matters is where would we like to end up. Nature, being at BEST cryptic, has no definitive answer for us. Instead it boils down to a matter of faith. Faith and trust in not only God as we know it, but in who we are ...today...right now. I believe that the mere awareness that were are "awake" is a hint. It tells us that we are not alone. That we have a partnership with something larger than us. And sometimes that "something" wants us to live in accordance with it.

This is where I am. I realize that an issue I have is to live for others. I am a voluntary servant. I swallowed my voice, my needs, my hopes, anger, and personality. I digested all of this along with too much food. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I may lie, hide, downplay inconveniences, search for fulfillment in the wrong places. I will absolutely eat, drink, and laugh my way out of the hole. In this way, all these problems become about "being heavy". That is an easier problem to solve. Diet. Run. Whatever...straightforward. In case you are wondering, yes this is what I did....at first. Along the way though, I have started to realize I am running from all of this shit. Yes I lost weight. I am proud. Yes I am strong. But I am not running anymore. I want to stand and fight for the things I so willingly gave away.

I deserve to feel independent.

to be loved.

to live for me too.

to choose..really choose.

to have a voice

to be ok when someone is disappointed in me.

I do not want to be a wounded child anymore. I don't want to feel like everyone else's guardian. Trying to make the world richer, in part...led to my poverty.

I am sorry for the sadness I have caused. If I did something and you wondered why doesn't he just say no? I really am sorry. I am sorry for the sadness and disappointment that may result from living my truth. But mostly, I am sorry I lost a complete, beautiful man along the way. I am in the business of finding him. Whatever the price I need to feel whole.

My weight will continue to drop. I will be running...going to the Y...eating well...tracking it. I am going to make it to my goal. But I ran as hard as I could in this direction only to look up and see a different world. One that looks beautiful to me..

Thank you for all of your help.

We will talk soon,

Roy

The Prayer

In my heart, there lies a prayer.

More of a song than a spoken plea,

Growing louder

throughout my life

The prayer is about finding my way.

Please guide me.

Take me to the place

I wish to go

Even when I don't know where.

I assumed you didn't hear me,

That I was really alone.

As I surrendered,

Wandered lonely nights

There you were.

Waiting like a patient parent

Waiting

For their babies first step

"Just walk a few steps this way",

"Make your way this direction

You will still wonder where to go

But you will be on your own

Feet".

I am still lost. Really. I spend a good bit of time confused. Especially lately. Nothing really specific, just a sense of "what will happen"? It seems like I have had my head down working on this exercise and diet stuff and all of the sudden I look up and I am different. I am different in every way and I wonder..."How the hell did I get here"? Even though I feel this sort of bewilderment, I feel beauty around me. I feel beautiful...not looking beautiful, that's not what I mean, but rather, I sense a feeling of beauty inside of me.

My mother always said that I was a sunny child. Meaning, I was content and infectious. She said I would start laughing and no one would know what I was laughing at. I was just laughing.

I assumed that I outgrew that person. I was just a kid. I am more mature now. I have struggles..issues...things to lose..things to gain. Bills... And yet recently, I have felt this sunny child re emerge. Just a couple of nights ago I was driving home and I noticed that everything looked so beautiful to me. In the darkness of the night the shadows looked really pretty to me. Then I felt silly...and I started to laugh. Just like my mom said I used to do. So maybe this little boy isn't dead after all. Maybe he had to be unlocked...set free.

This work I have been doing had made me face everything I have been afraid to see. All the issues and the courage to fight has lead me to a previous incarnation of myself. One that is more alive than I imagined I would ever be.

The running and the Y (plus the community of people associated with them) continue to inspire and be a huge part of my life. I can feel that I have lost more weight and am hopeful that it will continue. The experience of this process spills into other areas of my life. Music, personal relationships, how I hold myself. All things grow.

I want to thank you for your continued readership and support. YOU are the reason I have the strength I need.

Roy