Shhhhh....listen.

I am the voice that must be heard. I am the one who knows the way. Never raise my voice--YOU must raise your awareness. The minute you stop clutching so hard to what you think you know, I appear. Like a sound that you don't notice until it stops. I will always tell you the truth. And the truth?...is always an affirmative. Listen carefully...I sing often...but softly.

Have you ever really paid attention to the part of yourself that knows you can do something? The part of you that isn't hijacked by fear...masquerading as "realism" or "being practical". By "pay attention", I mean ACTED as though you believed it...just once? I know, for me, when I believe the "knowingness" I feel both fear AND conviction. A conviction that I believe can only come from the truth in an absolute form. Like law. I think there are opportunities to hear and follow this voice everyday. Millions of people get to it in millions of ways. But for me, pain pushed me into understanding it for myself.

In 2005, as I have told you before, I lost my Mother to cancer. Yes, it was very very difficult. But, looking back, the worst part for me wasn't losing her...it was knowing that I was GOING to lose her. When I found out that there was no more hope...THAT was the worst day of my life. The six months or so after learning this, was spent mostly visiting with her and the rest of my family...working in my Dad's garden and kneading bread. Random? Well, yes. But, it felt as though I was following a mandate. A map to get from this hell...to living life with a major part missing. Learning to live with a hole that will never be filled. BUT, the thing is, I WAS learning from this voice inside of me HOW to do it. How to move on. How to cope. How to be who I am...on my own.

As the disease wore on, I learned that I had a strength that I assumed I didn't have. I was the little brother. Protected and shielded from everything. Unable to withstand anything hard or taxing. I was supposed to be babied and cared for. This is the line of thinking I had until I was faced my Mom's death. During the summer nights of July and August, as the time came for her to move on, I had developed a sense strength and individuality. I could witness this awfulness and withstand and care for the person it was ravaging. I felt good about being able to be there for her. My entire family was there with me and I felt like a part of something that was, even as things fell apart, beautiful.

Two years after all of this I realized that the knowingness that I had encountered was still intact. I had gone through a very sad couple of years and eaten, and DRANK about it. I had gained more weight, which wasn't anything out of the norm for me. I was accustomed to gaining weight and losing a little so I could gain it back. But it had gotten away from me a little this time. I spent the better part of 2007 thinking about what to do.

2008. In the summer, I bought a bicycle. A Townie. It is a heavy bike meant for cruising and I started to ride it. I hated it. It made my butt hurt. Some times the seat would slip and I would feel bad about my size. "Too fat to ride a bike" went through my mind a LOT. But, I tightened the seat and..I'll be damned if that didn't fix it. hah So, NOT love at first ride. But, one day I got on it, and decided I was going to ride to the pedestrian bridge in Shelby bottoms. I did it. I thought I would die. Mostly, hijacked by fear, I gave up on exercise. After all, I had lost a little weight so it was time to put it back on now. But, this time, the voice that told me to garden...to knead bread, to make sure I was there for my Mom...my family...and for me, told me that I should try again. It didn't shout. No fanfare. In fact, it was kind of quiet. I rode from my street all the way to the main entrance of the park. 4 or 5 miles. I listened to music. I felt a lot of drive...a lot of emotional fuel.

I got religious about doing it everyday....I started to bike everywhere I could. Gigs...bars (not the best decision) I even bought lights and biked at night. I loved it now. I loved the freedom of it. I learned that, in those moments, I felt like my own man. In line with what I knew to be the truth. The knowingness.

2009. Ymca. I had done a Zumba class on the suggestion of Jenny Littleton. We (Kristie and I) went to Las Maracas and had dinner and then we went to Jenny's evening class. I was pretty sick. My stomach kept burning. It was cool out now and I wasn't enjoying biking as much so I was going to "join a gym" for the umpteenth time. Bleech. I just wanted to eat. It is easier. I am not one of these people. The active, "talk to each other" types. hah. I was a lonesome person by design...and I am not meant to jump. A couple of months after that, I woke up and went to a morning class. I just thought, I can lay here until lunch...or I can get up and go try this one more time. It was hard. Very hard. I could do a song and a half and then I would have to rest. Sara taught it and I thought I would die once again.

After it was over, I decided I would probably not be back because I couldn't do it really. AND I looked really stupid in front of all these pretty moms. Talk about feeling shame. Holy Crap! So I went home and, after a bit, I noticed Sara had posted something on my wall on FB. I was hooked in. I kept going. I learned the steps. I could go longer. I could do more of it. This "knowingness" had spread to another person and they reached out...and it worked. I was back.

Zumba was followed by Nikoletta's class soon after that.

When I first met her, she talked very frankly about my weight and about weight loss. I was mortified. Because, here was another pretty lady and we are talking about my body. I wanted to die. But I hid it. I watched a class, and it was ridiculous to me at the time. Crawling around...lifting things...jumping! Oh GOD JUMPING!!! I left...assuming I wouldn't do that....ever. She wrote me, and said, "I am waiting for you". So sweet to reach for me. Sweet that she cared...and she is great at what she does. I went...it was on the edge of impossible for me. I mean HARD. I kept coming...got stronger. I can do most of it now...

All in all, I lost around 40 more lbs from mid '09 to early '10. Recently, I started running and have now completed my first 5k. I ran 4.1 miles yesterday and I have Kristine Mylls to thank for getting me into it. Mark Miller trained me and a whole cast of people continue to support me. In a few weeks, I will be running the "East Nasty" which is a six mile run with lots of hills. It is the only way to earn the East Nasty sticker. Remember, "acting" as though you believe? I will run this course. I will get the sticker. I will be running a 1/2 Marathon in April. I will lose the rest of my weight. I am not saying I don't have doubts and fears. I am choosing to ignore them and go with the voice that knows the truth. I think of all the half-truths and outright lies I have told myself. I have clutched onto what I though I knew so hard....thought so loud that I could not hear. I raise my awareness by ACTING the way I want to be. The more lies..("I can't" "I am too fat" "Too busy" "Too Broke") I let go of, the more I hear a song I recognize. A tune we all know together....truth.

Fellow Y'ers and runners...I will see you Monday if not before. Once decision at a time, I will be the one piecing a life together.

Roy

The Race.

It was a very hot morning. I arrived with my friend J'Nae at about 6:30 a.m. and we milled around the start line. I was feeling my nerves and the energy in the air surrounding me. A few words from our coach Mark and seeing all of my new friends made me feel the preceding 8 weeks of practice in my body. Like a Biophysical "knowingness" I knew that I could make it. We all walked to the starting line.

A sea of people (950ish) awaited the gun. After it fired, they took off...well, the people in front did. For the rest of us, it was ready...set...walk.... slowly.... to the starting line. hah But, soon enough, we were there. Adrenaline rushed through me but it had been drilled into my head to STAY CONTROLLED for the first half of this race. Knowing I had MAYBE 8 minutes of full effort, I was conservative.

The hills and the heat were no joke at all. As we climbed, I would shorten my stride and take my time. Before I knew it, we were at mile 1. Water. I took some, drank and poured it over my head. I felt like it was going to be ok!

Fatherland. God. One looooooong sloooooow uphill grade. The heat seemed more intense..we were more in the sun. The hill would go from somewhat intense...to hellish...back to somewhat intense. This sums up mile 2. At the top, there was another water stop----Thank God. Then, it was time to go downhill. Going down Woodland, I noticed on the pavement the words..."Bacon Ahead". This is when I first thought I may have already passed away. hah But SURE ENOUGH there was a sweet woman offering strips of crispy pork to the runners passing by. Seemed like a bad idea to me at the time...I abstained. As we hit the bottom of the hill, where Lipstick Lounge is located, it was time to make our final ascent. This is where the heat really really started to screw with me. I was seeing stars and my tongue was tingling. I knew we didn't have much further to go, but I was really hitting a wall. We made that hill and turned...a little further...turned again. At this point, I was breathing as slowly and deeply as I could to get my heart ready to run as fast as I could. The next to last turn I kept steady and controlled so that I could ignite on the final push.

Last turn. I see the finish line. I can hear people. My feet start moving and before I know it, I am in a full gait sprint to the end. Everything that I am is in my run at this point. It is longer than I have sprinted before and I knew that as I started. This time however, something seemed to be running for me. Something stronger and faster. I was hauling ass.

I crossed the line and kept gasping for air. I had put my body to the test like I never have previously in my life. It kept up. It did well for me. I have no knee or back pain and I am not all that stiff. The training help me keep it all together....but...I had nothing left. I felt good about leaving it all on the pavement. It was great to have this experience as my starting point into running. I have met MANY beautiful people in this leg of the journey and will continue to run. My next race will be Oct. 9th in Germantown.

Now I will turn my attention to weight loss. I am tired of being in the same sized pants. Looking the same. There is so much information out there...it is like a sea of contradicting white noise on the subject. I am officially overwhelmed. So far, the one hope I have is that PERHAPS I am gluten intolerant. More whole grains and way less of things MADE from whole grains may benefit me. I don't know. It is unbelievably frustrating though. I also have slips and times when I am in "screw it" mode. So this week, I am going to make it my goal of being gluten-free (I tried before but failed). But this week, in much the same way I gave everything I had to the race, I will give everything to this effort. My focus will be Quinoa, Millet, Greens, Veggies, and lean Proteins. When I say Veggies...I mean INHUMANE amounts of them. I am NOT going to work this hard and let a voice inside justify undoing it. That is truly slavery. And--- I am free. So..."No" will be my mantra.

Thank you for all the wonderful words and gestures of encouragement. It has been, and continues to be, a source I draw from as I become more and more of who I am meant to be.

Roy

Look what I found!!

This is the eve of a very special day for me. I am running a 5k at 7:30. It will be more than the 3.1 miles that make up the course...it will be a signpost in my life. Change is going to happen...to all of us. It is certain. What change, to a large (but not exclusive) degree, is up to us. What I am really pursuing is being more "me". Being more of the person I know myself to be. Have you ever lost yourself for a while? Well, it isn't like finding car keys or a rotten blueberry muffin in your car seat. (Some of my friends know what this is in reference to) It is more like...uncovering a forgotten place...like Archeology. As you uncover one piece, another is revealed and more of the story is told. THAT is what it is like to find out who you really are. This race is an excavation of self.

Everything has been locked up with me for many years. Never good enough a player...never "in shape" enough to go to an exercise class...never smart enough...just not enough. Then, something happened to me. I gave up. Sounds like the WORST thing in the world. But it isn't. What I ACTUALLY released was a form of attachment. Now, I know that word is thrown about and it makes me a little sick at times...but truly THAT is what was locking me up. HAVING to be great...NEEDING to be thin...NEVER wanting to look like I didn't know. All of this amounts to running your life in circles, a great amount of shame, and always feeling like an idiot. BUT once I decided to play music from a "hobby" space, I became a better player. I could follow my muse...I started to really like classical music again..my tone improved. I could improvise better.

When I just said "screw it" and went to Sara's Zumba class and I thought "I will be fat and MALE in this class of all women" Which, by the way, is VERY intimidating because I was embarrassed to be seen as such by those ladies. BUT I went...some part of me temporarily didn't give a shit and the kindness of the teacher made me try again...and again...then the kindness of the other people kept me going...again and again. Then there was Nikole. Again...lots of ladies...and very difficult maneuvering. It was like a self esteem nightmare...but the encouragement...the friends...she (and they) all helped me excavate. A little at a time...until I am here.

Then there is Kristine. She is a friend I know through music. An encourager, and a talented and veeeeeery smart woman. All adds up to quite the intimidating cocktail yes? She wrote to me about this 5k and I just pretended it didn't happen. Yeah...really. I read it, then forgot about it. No reply...no nothin. Just denial. hah But, she tried again. I agreed. We started with one minute intervals...8 of them. Sounds easy. It was hell the first time...awful. I kept thinking "there is no way in hell I can do this" I was sure I would not be back. I was going to get out of this...but again new friends made it easy to go back. So tomorrow, I will run 3.1 miles for the first time in my life. I am well-trained, and mentally ready for it. I cannot believe that I made it here in such an short amount of time. All of my running friends will be there...I am as proud of them as I am of myself. We were all in the same boat..and we will all be there in a few short hours to uncover more of our own "lost cities".

So here is to growing deeper into ourselves. Becoming more "us". Resigning from the expectations and finding our feet to run like hell....

Thank you

Roy

This is what I know.

Saturday is my first 5k. I have trained for many weeks and made a lot of new friends and I am excited to run the race. August 14th 7:30 a.m. 5 points in East Nashville.

As hard as this training has been, it is not as hard as healing a broken relationship with food. For all the times that I pushed though a place where I thought I could not go on and found a strength that I did not know I possessed, I have reverted back to the safe, comfortable and stifling windowless rooms of an addiction to food. I say it like that because that is exactly how it feels. I have not always succumbed but I have experienced more backslides than forward momentum. Kind of a dance with hopelessness. I have heard it said that the night is darkest before dawn. In my case, this is true. Not darkness as in sad...but unknown. Not knowing oneself. The problem doesn't lie in the specifics. The real problem is understanding why I want what I want. This is what I have learned so far..

Food represents my BELIEF of who I am.

Sometimes I do want cheese. But mostly, I want my life to elicit the same feeling as the molten miracle. The white queso goddess.... The feeling(s)?

Sensuality.... it is like a lingering hug.

Safety.... No harm will come..

It is ok to be hungry.

It sends me into a panic. I need to be full because if I am empty....? I don't know. Well..I DO know now. Nothing. Nothing happens. I am hungry. That's it. I think the panic is a reaction to a voice that quietly says .."please don't wake" "Stay with me" "it's dangerous.." It really is as though someone else tries to control you. All addictions deal with this voice...you can't kill it, so the best thing to do is hear it....fully.

Food can help...and it can hurt.

I have started running. When I am home and can make a good breakfast with lots and lots of veggies, I start the day being really FED. My body USES these veggies to strengthen and heal. I run better if I stay on this course and ask myself.."does this make things easier, or harder." Last night we got into a snack fest in our hotel room. Crunch 'N Munch and Diet Coke. I ran this morning. 30 min. on a treadmill. My heart is still flipping a bit. I felt sick and really ragged out. I have run the same amount outside in scorching heat and felt MUCH better. Largely due to what was in my body. It matters.

Vegetables and Greens are miracles.

As are some grains and fruits. Fruits are very helpful especially when eaten alone for maximum absorption. The feeling of quinoa and kale in my body are PRODUCED by the food. NOT my emotional needs. They really are power.

There are many more things I have learned but I feel like I needed to say this and I feel better. It was either write or eat popcorn. I am full, so I thought this would be better. Below this blog post on FB you will notice I posted a song. It is entitled "Don't Be Sad" It is a great musical representation of this whole journey. Listen to it as you read or after. Either way, I thank you for reading...

Roy