Hello again!

It has been a while.

Today I met my goal of 4500 calories burned and 10,000 steps. I did a lot of strength training and cardio. My meal plan was:

1 eggs 2 egg whites

2 toast

2 veggie sausage

Turkey sandwich

Pot roast.

I am feeling good about everything. I still remain the same number but I notice lots of changes in my body.

Walking with your convictions means continuing to walk long after the new wears off and you are left on a quiet stroll alone. Finding myself in the middle of this, I can say it has given me some great things, but it has also proven to be...less than easy. I slipped into an old lifestyle of eating out. What I thought would be a meal or two became the better part of 2 weeks. So, back to cooking I go ---humbled by the opened door of addiction.

I am told that one must imagine oneself as thin in order to achieve it. Makes sense to me...problem is, I can't seem to do it. See, one of the flaws in my understanding of myself is: "I am an exception" Whatever works for others...will NOT work for me. I cannot lose weight because I am not MEANT to be thin. It is as though there is a PREDETERMINATION of my weight. This, in turn, means that the pain and embarrassment I have experienced my entire life is somehow...deserved? Well, I think that is bullshit. I mean, what have I done to deserve anything less than confidence, good health, strength, and an affirmative view of myself? Nothing. I have done no wrong except live life trying to make sure everyone ELSE is happy. Happy with me, the way I look, play, behave, exercise, eat...it goes on and on. Being a people pleaser has a terrible price--- absence of vision.

People have asked me: "What is your dream?" I have no answer. Now part of the problem is making that question too big...too important. But a larger part has to do with how I have fit into the world. "What is your dream Roy?" ..."I dunno...what do YOU want it to be?" So it is no surprise that I can't imagine myself thin. It would mean people would see me. I would have nothing to hide behind. With weight loss the comfortable fog of anonymity lifts and you are ..exposed. There you are, a person with opinions and everything! hah It is almost like standing for something...having a dream of my own. Making a life on my own terms. No rules...no expectations... Just me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to weigh 200 lbs. The drama of saying I lost 200 pounds is unimaginable to me. But, rather than focusing on that, I am going to focus on cooking, and meeting my daily goals at the gym. I have so so so so many great people around me that the gym is a place I love to go.

I will keep moving forward because they are there. And because I want to have a turn at the wheel of MY life. I want to create something for once that I want...no one else...me.

Thank you again for reading.

Tomorrows plan:

Zumba

Walk/bike

Maybe step

bfast: Fiber one and soy milk with Banana.

Lunch: Roast or Turkey Sandwich

Dinner: Roast or nachos with lean ground beef.

Here's to another day!

I plan to write more often (albeit shorter) to keep myself on track with having a plan.

Thank you so

Roy