Resurrection. I am going to go see Mahler's 2nd symphony tonight and it is called the resurrection symphony. It is a timely experience for me because I need to experience this same sense of triumph in my own life. As I sit here I worry about money....there being enough to pay the bills and my weight...an ever- present worry in the back, and ofter the forefront of my mind.

Although the loss I have experienced pales in comparison to Gustav Mahler, I can relate. Losing trust in my body...losing my mom then my dad. Losing a part of where you come from, and the sinking realization that I have to stand on my own now. So, the worry tends to take over. It is almost like a fog that hovers and keeps my parents alive...what I mean is, as long as I worry, I feel as though something is being cared for. In reality, it just ruins my quality of life. So MY RESURRECTION is about doing things that I respect everyday and letting my life fall where it falls. As long as I am doing what I can do, that is all I have.

I practice everyday. In an effort to improve basic skills every day, I have adapted a routine and I have noticed improvement. Long tones...slow lip slurs...blowing through the note and letting the lips vibrate. LETTING them...not making them. In order to do that, you have to TRUST. Trust that the corners of the mouth are where they belong and let the air flow. If it sounds bad, it sounds bad. The whole practice of music to mean is one huge trust exercise anyway. Seems like everything I have ever learned on this instrument has boiled down to circumventing the conscious mind and TRAINING the unconscious to play FOR me. Anyway, this builds respect.

A KEEN awareness of what I consume. I track calories everyday. At least for this period in my life. The ultimate goal will be serenity. A sense of peace with food...again...trust. Knowing what 2,000 calories feels like and looks like....but for now, in order to train, I must write it down. And so, when I do, I feel respect.

Exercising with an intention to build strength. I want to be as strong as God made me to be. Take my body and build muscle and speed. I know it is in me..I can feel it. With discipline and gratitude that I get a second shot, I want to stop poisoning myself (and my mind) and pick up the fire that resides in me to make what I have been given the very best it can be. I will be resuming running but I REALLY want to strength train...and get results. I can't afford the kettle bell class I called about so I will have to keep looking at what I can do.

I will be exploring music and writing everyday. I have a new band that I am excited about and I want to stretch it into something special. It is a blend of hard hitting energy and sophisticated harmonic language. The first time I heard the elements married in a player, was Cornelius Bumpus... This deep soulful player conbined with beautiful jazz language on soul and funk tunes. Since I experienced that awakening, I have heard it in many players and I am fascinated and want to write the same way.

Well that's it...the start of my own Resurrection. Gaining my respect everyday. I will be losing my other 100 lbs. a MOMENT at a time.

Roy