Labels and the fantasy of isolation.

I have 2 things in my life that I am looking to change. One is "living in my head". The other is a fear of losing my "label"

"Living in my head"

Fantasies are wonderful for escaping reality but they are a poor substitute FOR reality. I am not talking about dreams. Thoughts that represent hope. Not I am talking about those daydreams that take us away from our worry. Like, being able to fly or living far, far away. Those are nice. But sometimes, they can become a darker version of what is. This happens to me. I will think no one likes me or so and so is "just being nice". These "fantasies" trigger compulsions. I will have thoughts of being unloved/unlovable and moments later I am hungry for things that will hurt me. Nutritionally devoid items like sugar. I think I feel this way because, in those moments I feel really alone. So, as I challenge this part of myself I notice how terribly controlled I have been and how powerless it makes me feel.

"Losing my labels"

Talented. Special. Studio musician. Star. There are a lot more. People have said some incredibly nice things to me and about me over the years. But living up to this labels, produces a great deal of stress. I always feel like I will not live up to the title I am given, but I am also terrified to let go of it. I feel like if I don't have that I will....cease to be. Vanish. My mother's memory of me will have been a joke. As I write this I feel a tightness in my chest.
Well, needless to say, I an sick to death of this shit. I mean, who's life have I been living? Who's dream? Kristie has asked me many timed what my dreams were. You know, I never have an answer. Make a CD? Well, that would cool but no. Travel? Not really. What then....the terrifying truth? I don't know. No idea. But here is what I DO know. I want to be free. I must. I am imprisoned by my weight and my debts. I will own them and change them forever. BUT I need help. I need help seeing when I am in a dangerous frame of mind with regard to food and exercise and I need to make extra money to get aggressive as hell with all of my debt.

Next time I think someone hates me I will ask "did I do something wrong?" The answer is invariably NO (because I am such a people pleas-er) yet another quality I see myself changing. Since I have done nothing wrong, the worry stops. There is no action to take.

The label thing...I don't know. I want to play and write music. I really love it...I think. But I guess I have to figure out what is my dream? What does that look like? And why is it so important to have a title?

I am going to lose more weight and get where I want to go.

I will pay off all of my debts including my home in less than 5 years. I will do it by any means necessary.

I am unsure of who I am, but the more I learn, the more I see my father in me..and the more I love both of us.

Thank you for reading!

Roy