Labor of Love

So, here I am. I have not weighed in 3 weeks (maybe more...not sure.) I am down 2 more pants sizes. I am embarrassed to tell you, but (in the spirit of the blog), my highest pant size was 64. 64 inch waist. How do you get there?...how do you go beyond that? Fear. More on that in a moment... Anyway, now I am in a 48 pant looking at moving into a 46 (the 48s are getting loose) I notice that there is a V shape in my upper body and I am stronger in both quick bursts as well as long tests of endurance. My food plan also continues to evolve. For breakfast, I have started eating steel cut oats with Stevia, Sunflower, Pumpkin, Chia, and Hemp seeds. I eat an egg with egg whites as well. Look up the benefits of these seeds....ancient people ate them in abundance...it is pretty extraordinary what it does for us. I also try to eat a LARGE salad of dark leafy greens and lots of colorful veggies. I still drink a lot of water...distilled when possible. I am also cooking with coconut oil and drinking almond milk in the morning. Whew...that's a lot of change BUT it has been a little bit at a time. As far as exercise goes, I still do my classes but I also bike and work in my garden. I notice that the classes suddenly became easier for me. It was a sudden jump in level after I rested for a bit. My plan now is to be more regular at the classes again, but also continually change things around. The classes are great for me because of the PEOPLE. They mean more to me then they could know. What seems like a passing comment or an inviting attitude to them is a welcoming call to join the human race to me. It is like I have been hibernating in a well meaning but FAR over-protective cocoon for 37 years...and the faces I see on a regular basis are a reminder that there was never a need to hibernate at all.

SO. There we are. Let's talk about where I came from shall we? I came from a loving and kind family. Good good people. Generous to a fault and anyone who knew my mom or dad loved and respected them. My mother could always make anyone feel like they belonged. She was an excellent comforter. My dad has a direct world view. "If someone is sick, you outta help 'em. He doesn't email, text, use a cell phone or ever touch a computer. In fact, when my mom used a computer my dad said "Dorothy is in there playin Bingity-Bong." haha So...you get the picture? It is a comfortable, loving, and kind of isolated. My mom was a worrier. Everything had an element of danger. Food was a source of comfort to us both...but especially me. I have spent my life thus far in a low grade state of anxiety and depression. Luckily, I have found a medication that has helped me but I am convinced that my food issue is rooted in a belief that the "world" is unsafe for me. I can't handle it. Everything from worrying that I worry too much (nice.) to worry that I will never make enough money and be revealed as an impostor. The worry leads to a sense of "why bother" and I hide my shame in food. That shame is magnified when you become overweight and so it goes....on and on. Do you see how someone can be literally immobilized? I am not sure how I did it, but I saw what was happening to me and decided to really change it. What you are watching is the process of change. I think most people have it wrong when the commercialize this "change". You see a "Before" and "After" picture. The "Before" is dismal...the "After"... glorious. I really believe that MY change is rooted in genuine love for the man in the "Before" picture. I don't keep photos of myself fat to "motivate" me. I think that whole thing is bullshit. I am doing all of this for THAT man. The one who is looking to me to save him....from the terrors of his mind, the shame that permeates his life, the extra weight that locks down his dreams. I am doing this because I love that guy. He is a good man. I can tell you this about my life....there IS no "Before" or "After", it is all the same. Yes I plan on becoming smaller. Yes I will be stronger. But I will always have the same heart. The same soul lives in a house of 400 lbs, or 200. It is in service of this piece of eternity that I labor to change. In a way, it is like knowing some part of YOU..is some part of EVERYTHING and therefore, more powerful, and sacred, than any one person can be. So, I put my head down and work very very hard from the change, because I just now realized that I owe it to the man that I was, am, and will always be. Because I am a part of something bigger, more vast. I joined the human race.

Maybe I will see you in a class, walking, biking, or doing whatever you like to do?

I hope so :)

Roy

By the way....

Thank you.

Hello again!

It has been a while.

Today I met my goal of 4500 calories burned and 10,000 steps. I did a lot of strength training and cardio. My meal plan was:

1 eggs 2 egg whites

2 toast

2 veggie sausage

Turkey sandwich

Pot roast.

I am feeling good about everything. I still remain the same number but I notice lots of changes in my body.

Walking with your convictions means continuing to walk long after the new wears off and you are left on a quiet stroll alone. Finding myself in the middle of this, I can say it has given me some great things, but it has also proven to be...less than easy. I slipped into an old lifestyle of eating out. What I thought would be a meal or two became the better part of 2 weeks. So, back to cooking I go ---humbled by the opened door of addiction.

I am told that one must imagine oneself as thin in order to achieve it. Makes sense to me...problem is, I can't seem to do it. See, one of the flaws in my understanding of myself is: "I am an exception" Whatever works for others...will NOT work for me. I cannot lose weight because I am not MEANT to be thin. It is as though there is a PREDETERMINATION of my weight. This, in turn, means that the pain and embarrassment I have experienced my entire life is somehow...deserved? Well, I think that is bullshit. I mean, what have I done to deserve anything less than confidence, good health, strength, and an affirmative view of myself? Nothing. I have done no wrong except live life trying to make sure everyone ELSE is happy. Happy with me, the way I look, play, behave, exercise, eat...it goes on and on. Being a people pleaser has a terrible price--- absence of vision.

People have asked me: "What is your dream?" I have no answer. Now part of the problem is making that question too big...too important. But a larger part has to do with how I have fit into the world. "What is your dream Roy?" ..."I dunno...what do YOU want it to be?" So it is no surprise that I can't imagine myself thin. It would mean people would see me. I would have nothing to hide behind. With weight loss the comfortable fog of anonymity lifts and you are ..exposed. There you are, a person with opinions and everything! hah It is almost like standing for something...having a dream of my own. Making a life on my own terms. No rules...no expectations... Just me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to weigh 200 lbs. The drama of saying I lost 200 pounds is unimaginable to me. But, rather than focusing on that, I am going to focus on cooking, and meeting my daily goals at the gym. I have so so so so many great people around me that the gym is a place I love to go.

I will keep moving forward because they are there. And because I want to have a turn at the wheel of MY life. I want to create something for once that I want...no one else...me.

Thank you again for reading.

Tomorrows plan:

Zumba

Walk/bike

Maybe step

bfast: Fiber one and soy milk with Banana.

Lunch: Roast or Turkey Sandwich

Dinner: Roast or nachos with lean ground beef.

Here's to another day!

I plan to write more often (albeit shorter) to keep myself on track with having a plan.

Thank you so

Roy