A lot has been going on with me and for some reason I haven't really wanted to blog about it. I am still stuck with my weight...lower than it has been but a complicated relationship with food has made it difficult to go forward. I watch the people on the biggest loser and I think "I can work that hard" but then the smaller decisions thwart my efforts. I let myself down. What I am learning though is STAYING in that place is about shame. Being ashamed that I am not more.
There are lots and lots of shame triggers for me. It could be people talking about being fat on their wedding day...(I was quite heavy at that time) OR it could be a feeling of being over full. Not playing as well as I want. The same voices trigger...the same feelings. I become a child with no protection. For me, a good test to see if I am in that place is to ask..."how old do I feel right now" If it is below my ACTUAL age ...I am probably being shamed.
Breaking out of it is not my area of expertise. BUT I know that you can't eat your way out of it. "Exercising" it out won't work either. The only thing that I see as helpful is forgiveness and a plan. If I don't do something as well as I could, (whatever it is food..music..interpersonal stuff) it is NOT because I didn't try. More than likely, I have slipped into very old trap. SO, I did my best, I recognize my error...and try again. I am told that a mistake is and opportunity to being again more intelligently. (more informed) A plan is the "more intelligent" part of the equation. There is no reason to repeat the same mistakes over and over UNLESS I let fear keep me from examining my shortcoming. It is easy to do, because a mistake is embarrassing...(after all, I am an exception to human error and if I am flawed then everyone will see that I am a ---fill in your own degrading self talk here.) SO the plan today is to meet a goal of double digits as a runner in preparation for the Country Music Half Marathon, to cook something that is nutritionally sound, practice the trombone (specifically the beauty of sound and flexibility) and write music. Then later, to help others who have decided to push their comfort zones by becoming runners themselves.
As I push, I am rebelling against control. I am free... it IS a human right to be free even though we have robbed others of that right...but then I can't judge because I robbed myself.
Well...I guess I better get started..might take me a while. :)
Thanks for reading!
Roy
