How do I tell you I hurt
when pain feels normal?
How can I find home
when I'm used to being lost...
I only know how to do what you have told me
I only know one dance
one song
one sound
A silent cry in a dream
finding my voice has felt
impossible.
All I have had was a sense that something was
missing.
Some part of me knew this was wrong.
A part of me insisted it be different
A thorn that grows through concrete
fueled with boiling rage that I have always known,
for what reason, I have no idea.
You should have set me free.
I know you couldn't.
I just can't be whole.
This is about control. It is about setting myself free. The part of me that knew I was meant to have this freedom pushed me to change. My body is really different than when i started and it was a DECISION. A CHOICE. One of the only choices I have really made thus far in my life. No one told me. I decided I wanted it to be different. I am making it happen.
As my weight loss unfolds, there are a lot of things in my life I want to change. Some of these are easy...some are not. I understand that the power lies on my shoulders to direct my life and this is both scary and liberating. Dealing with confrontation along the way and coming out of denial are 2 very terrifying mileposts on this walk with myself. I am learning to tell people what I think...truly. I am learning to say no... AND say yes...and MEAN it. I am learning to say "this isn't right...how do I make it better?"
Now, what do I mean by not being "whole"? hmmm.. Imagine a hole in the Earth. Now imagine you want to fill the hole so you fill it with water. It works, for a day. When you come back the next day you notice the hole is empty again. the Earth absorbed the water. You try and try and it seems to work, but always leaves the hole empty. The only thing that will REALLY fill it is more Earth. Not water. When you feel incomplete or really really alone, you turn to addiction. And it works, for now. Tomorrow you will feel the hole again. For me, it is food. It has harmed me and caused me great body shame. Hell of a price to pay for something that should be part of us all. Belonging. So, if I don't fill this up with food and people pleasing...what do I fill it with? Love? I get confused there because I equate love with people being pleased with me. No one is mad..I am loved! Well, the honest answer is I don't know. I am in this place where I know what doesn't work but I am unsure about what will. So, I go and learn more about myself and trust that answers will come.
I am keeping points (weight watchers) and I am continuing to exercise. I will not give up even though recent revelations about myself have left me feeling numb and wanting to isolate. The part of me that pushes for a different life is in charge...I will follow it.
I have needed your support and I have gotten it. YOU are a large part of this process for me. Thank you....
Roy
