Labels and the fantasy of isolation.

I have 2 things in my life that I am looking to change. One is "living in my head". The other is a fear of losing my "label"

"Living in my head"

Fantasies are wonderful for escaping reality but they are a poor substitute FOR reality. I am not talking about dreams. Thoughts that represent hope. Not I am talking about those daydreams that take us away from our worry. Like, being able to fly or living far, far away. Those are nice. But sometimes, they can become a darker version of what is. This happens to me. I will think no one likes me or so and so is "just being nice". These "fantasies" trigger compulsions. I will have thoughts of being unloved/unlovable and moments later I am hungry for things that will hurt me. Nutritionally devoid items like sugar. I think I feel this way because, in those moments I feel really alone. So, as I challenge this part of myself I notice how terribly controlled I have been and how powerless it makes me feel.

"Losing my labels"

Talented. Special. Studio musician. Star. There are a lot more. People have said some incredibly nice things to me and about me over the years. But living up to this labels, produces a great deal of stress. I always feel like I will not live up to the title I am given, but I am also terrified to let go of it. I feel like if I don't have that I will....cease to be. Vanish. My mother's memory of me will have been a joke. As I write this I feel a tightness in my chest.
Well, needless to say, I an sick to death of this shit. I mean, who's life have I been living? Who's dream? Kristie has asked me many timed what my dreams were. You know, I never have an answer. Make a CD? Well, that would cool but no. Travel? Not really. What then....the terrifying truth? I don't know. No idea. But here is what I DO know. I want to be free. I must. I am imprisoned by my weight and my debts. I will own them and change them forever. BUT I need help. I need help seeing when I am in a dangerous frame of mind with regard to food and exercise and I need to make extra money to get aggressive as hell with all of my debt.

Next time I think someone hates me I will ask "did I do something wrong?" The answer is invariably NO (because I am such a people pleas-er) yet another quality I see myself changing. Since I have done nothing wrong, the worry stops. There is no action to take.

The label thing...I don't know. I want to play and write music. I really love it...I think. But I guess I have to figure out what is my dream? What does that look like? And why is it so important to have a title?

I am going to lose more weight and get where I want to go.

I will pay off all of my debts including my home in less than 5 years. I will do it by any means necessary.

I am unsure of who I am, but the more I learn, the more I see my father in me..and the more I love both of us.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

Plan Your Work, Work Your Plan.

It is an old saying. It refers to intent and focus. I first heard it referred to by George Foreman. He was telling a group of young boxers that you had to have a game plan and stick to the plan EVEN when you are tempted to fall into the emotion of the moment and look for the knockout. In a way, you aren't trying to overpower the other boxer...you are trying to out-think and outlast them. Not much glory in sticking to a plan that may be about waiting for your opponent to make a mistake or present you with a scoring opportunity...but sometimes that's what has to be done. Sometimes, it isn't a knockout..it is a well played round...

Translated to my life, there are many areas in which there really is no plan. I was never one of those 5 year types. I am still not. BUT, I do think some focus would be helpful to me. Because I know me, I know that the plan needs to be simple. I can get carried away with elaborate, overly complex, and damn near unattainable "goals" or "opportunities for disappointment" hah But I need simple and clear plan.

Let's talk about weight loss goals. 2 things must happen. 1. I must know what I am eating. Know what the nutritional value is. 2. I must move. DONE. Simple. So, I think I am going to join Weight Watchers so that I can track my food and I will continue doing a variety of activities to continue with my journey.

In my business (music) it is slow. It is easy for me to fill in the dead time with a lot of fear. As a matter of fact, as far as I can tell, fear is the most common response. After all, we hear phrases like "starving artist" or "you must suffer for your art" OR "god help me, if I don't get a gig I am gonna wind up bein a LONG HAUL TRUCKER" ....ok that last one was me. So, my plan is simple. When it is slow I will be building skills. I will practice and focus on areas in which there are gaps between my imagination and my playing. I will read... about arranging and composition. I will listen to music.... A LOT. Not just hear it, but REACT to it...maniacal infusions of it FOR NO REASON at all. I will be using it to feel good. When this storm passes...I will be stronger and more in love with it. If these things don't get me through....then they don't..but I do not want to handle this in any other way. Fear causes me to scramble...and make mistakes... It makes me do things that eat up energy and make me sad.

Fear made me fat.

Fear made me stay with an abusive teacher.

Fear made me say yes...when I meant to say hell no.

Fear makes us hide in the shadow of ourselves.

The shadow cast by who we would be IN SPITE OF FEAR.

To me, courage is not always about the big moment when you slay the dragon. Sometimes, it is a plodding trail that you obediently follow rain or shine....step by step until...., one day, you understand why you were there in the first place.

So I am planning my work....I will be working my plan. Waiting patiently for the rounds to go by. Walking my way though this life and maybe one day...I will know more of the picture, but for now I am stepping out of my own shadow perfectly willing to fail over and over.

Thank you for reading and your wonderful responses.

Roy