Next.

My weight has always embarrassed me. I have had it all of my life...this sense of wanting to disappear. Hell, it is the REASON I am so funny. I had to have something to overshadow the obvious fact that I am fat. The result is a thriving undercurrent of "unheardness" and "invisibility". Exactly what I asked for. But what happens when I want all of this "keep the world at arms length" to go away?

Well, at first, it was pretty easy because I could change a good bit and not really EXPERIENCE a huge shift in my comfort zone. But I have been holding at the same spot for a long time and I am writing because I think it helps me to get this out so that I make better choices. I really think I would like life without a buffer of weight, but I just can't seem to get the food thing together. I just need something to fill the hole. Believe me, that feels terrible to write, but the part of me that really wants to change aired it.

For me, it is about so many things... It is about celebrating good feelings. It is about soothing an ever present loneliness. It is about feeling sensual. I know, weird. Almost like a touch, or soothing hug. Cheese or the taste of spice and fat feels sort of like intimacy. Now, I am not trying to make YOU uncomfortable, hah (too late) BUT this plays a huge role in my weight. I never write about it because it is EMBARRASSING (the backspace button is BEGGING me to be used.) There it is. Love. Food is love. Fills me up and makes me feel consoled. As a matter of fact, I have no idea what people do to replace it. I sometimes feel like I am from another planet...like planet Frommage from the Ground Beef nebula.

The most frustrating part of this is I cannot exercise my way out of this. I can get in touch with my anger and really push. But that doesn't do anything to weight if the food is off. Nothing. And the mind set of "I will not stop" doesn't seem to do much when you are deciding between dark leafy greens and Las Maracas. It is a calmer mind set....one that I am less familiar with. Centered. At my heart, I believe I am a warrior. But, that warrior can turn, when it does...the damage is severe. It loves phrases such as "You can start in earnest tomorrow", "You can have this every now and then", "You are a big guy and always will be." "You are doing everything right, it is the Zoloft." That same part of me that can keep up and push all at 300 lbs. can turn on me and the only one who can defeat it...is me. Daunting....um..yes.

I respond to these voices by screwing with everything from my medicine to food...trying to do extreme things to "gain control". Like anything that over adjusts too quickly, I spin out of control. So here I am. Not really much smaller than last year at this time. Wanting to change, and wondering if I really can...truly. Not wanting to be lonely anymore, don't know how to make it better. But here is what I do know...I am really really WANT to change. If I have to "white knuckle" through. I will. I will continue to run, to lift, to do classes. But food, is my next frontier. God help me. Truly.

Thank you for reading this...I know it is heavy.

Roy

Stump removal.

It is late and I have classes to attend in the A.M., so I will be brief.

I spent some time the past couple of days rearranging my landscape by chopping down a tree and removing it's stump. I don't know if you have done this my hand...(and I mean with an axe and a utility bar) but it is an exercise in patience and endurance. FIRST, I had to have some idea of how I was going to chop the tree. It wasn't huge...maybe a couple of feet above my head or so. But still, I had to hit in ONE place for a long time. So, I chose my spot and began hammering (or CHOPPING) away. I kept on and kept on....I got tired...I rested. I chopped more. I kept doing it with no sign of success....just faith that eventually the would be nothing left to tie the tree to the Earth. And, sure enough, the axe made its way through....I really should say axES because it took 3...(2 very weak handle gave out.) But it did come down. And then there was the matter of the stump.

The call it a Utility bar. It is about 7 feet long with a blade end and it is made from really heavy steel. You lift it and plunge it into the ground. This is what I did for quite some time. Plunge and wedge. Hearing small roots tear-- muffled by the ground. Sweeping away dirt to expose a larger roots. Cut the root in half but plunging the blade into it. Over and over and over again....with no real sign of success. I remember saying to myself.."you are going to come out". I had a resolve. It sounds silly....it is a stump in my yard...not hurting anything and I am only going through this because I want it gone. BUT, I learned a lot from this miniature test of will. I learned that results come...but the ATTACHMENTS to results turn us away from the desired outcome. Had I stopped when I thought it "wasn't working" the stump would remain. The tree would not have fallen....the shade would still be there depriving sunlight from plants I have in my mind's eye....grapes...blueberries...who knows what else..and my vision would be shaped by what I thought I couldn't achieve.

But instead...I plunged the steel bar into the roots...over and over...sweating and exhausted until...it was over. The roots gave way and I was left with a blank spot with which to build my vision...all in my little yard in Inglewood.

It is not hard to draw the parallel to weight loss. Results are mostly a trap. I say this, because it is all too easy to turn around, to give up, and let the scale determine our vision, our actualization of ourselves. When I was really feeling tired, I had to concentrate on lifting the bar then letting it fall....that's all I could do. I had momentarily stopped caring about the stump and was just doing the exercise. I really do want to lose all of my excess weight...but thinking about it all the time...usually in a panic...ties me down to a life that has no forward movement. I soon become a prisoner to my shortcomings....my failure.. The person I am, the one so many of you have seen, fades away and I am left with--- disappointment. I have been too focused on winning or losing. I need to focus on my life...as it is today. Exercise is part of this life....good nutrition (with looooooots of vegetables and vegetarian foods (as well as some meats) are part of this life. Community...part of it as well. This is like lifting the bar and dropping it into the ground. This is the way. The ends do not matter...the means do. It is a place I never really understood...losing weight was always about finally showing everyone that I was worth something.... By getting "cute" (a damned near impossible category in which to be counted when you felt the way I did. On and on the search for "arrival" continues...but it never dawned on me that the way you GET there...IS THE POINT OF ARRIVAL.

Well...like I said...it's late...and this may have made no sense at all....but it does to me at the moment...haha

Thank you so for reading!

Roy

Labels and the fantasy of isolation.

I have 2 things in my life that I am looking to change. One is "living in my head". The other is a fear of losing my "label"

"Living in my head"

Fantasies are wonderful for escaping reality but they are a poor substitute FOR reality. I am not talking about dreams. Thoughts that represent hope. Not I am talking about those daydreams that take us away from our worry. Like, being able to fly or living far, far away. Those are nice. But sometimes, they can become a darker version of what is. This happens to me. I will think no one likes me or so and so is "just being nice". These "fantasies" trigger compulsions. I will have thoughts of being unloved/unlovable and moments later I am hungry for things that will hurt me. Nutritionally devoid items like sugar. I think I feel this way because, in those moments I feel really alone. So, as I challenge this part of myself I notice how terribly controlled I have been and how powerless it makes me feel.

"Losing my labels"

Talented. Special. Studio musician. Star. There are a lot more. People have said some incredibly nice things to me and about me over the years. But living up to this labels, produces a great deal of stress. I always feel like I will not live up to the title I am given, but I am also terrified to let go of it. I feel like if I don't have that I will....cease to be. Vanish. My mother's memory of me will have been a joke. As I write this I feel a tightness in my chest.
Well, needless to say, I an sick to death of this shit. I mean, who's life have I been living? Who's dream? Kristie has asked me many timed what my dreams were. You know, I never have an answer. Make a CD? Well, that would cool but no. Travel? Not really. What then....the terrifying truth? I don't know. No idea. But here is what I DO know. I want to be free. I must. I am imprisoned by my weight and my debts. I will own them and change them forever. BUT I need help. I need help seeing when I am in a dangerous frame of mind with regard to food and exercise and I need to make extra money to get aggressive as hell with all of my debt.

Next time I think someone hates me I will ask "did I do something wrong?" The answer is invariably NO (because I am such a people pleas-er) yet another quality I see myself changing. Since I have done nothing wrong, the worry stops. There is no action to take.

The label thing...I don't know. I want to play and write music. I really love it...I think. But I guess I have to figure out what is my dream? What does that look like? And why is it so important to have a title?

I am going to lose more weight and get where I want to go.

I will pay off all of my debts including my home in less than 5 years. I will do it by any means necessary.

I am unsure of who I am, but the more I learn, the more I see my father in me..and the more I love both of us.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

Plan Your Work, Work Your Plan.

It is an old saying. It refers to intent and focus. I first heard it referred to by George Foreman. He was telling a group of young boxers that you had to have a game plan and stick to the plan EVEN when you are tempted to fall into the emotion of the moment and look for the knockout. In a way, you aren't trying to overpower the other boxer...you are trying to out-think and outlast them. Not much glory in sticking to a plan that may be about waiting for your opponent to make a mistake or present you with a scoring opportunity...but sometimes that's what has to be done. Sometimes, it isn't a knockout..it is a well played round...

Translated to my life, there are many areas in which there really is no plan. I was never one of those 5 year types. I am still not. BUT, I do think some focus would be helpful to me. Because I know me, I know that the plan needs to be simple. I can get carried away with elaborate, overly complex, and damn near unattainable "goals" or "opportunities for disappointment" hah But I need simple and clear plan.

Let's talk about weight loss goals. 2 things must happen. 1. I must know what I am eating. Know what the nutritional value is. 2. I must move. DONE. Simple. So, I think I am going to join Weight Watchers so that I can track my food and I will continue doing a variety of activities to continue with my journey.

In my business (music) it is slow. It is easy for me to fill in the dead time with a lot of fear. As a matter of fact, as far as I can tell, fear is the most common response. After all, we hear phrases like "starving artist" or "you must suffer for your art" OR "god help me, if I don't get a gig I am gonna wind up bein a LONG HAUL TRUCKER" ....ok that last one was me. So, my plan is simple. When it is slow I will be building skills. I will practice and focus on areas in which there are gaps between my imagination and my playing. I will read... about arranging and composition. I will listen to music.... A LOT. Not just hear it, but REACT to it...maniacal infusions of it FOR NO REASON at all. I will be using it to feel good. When this storm passes...I will be stronger and more in love with it. If these things don't get me through....then they don't..but I do not want to handle this in any other way. Fear causes me to scramble...and make mistakes... It makes me do things that eat up energy and make me sad.

Fear made me fat.

Fear made me stay with an abusive teacher.

Fear made me say yes...when I meant to say hell no.

Fear makes us hide in the shadow of ourselves.

The shadow cast by who we would be IN SPITE OF FEAR.

To me, courage is not always about the big moment when you slay the dragon. Sometimes, it is a plodding trail that you obediently follow rain or shine....step by step until...., one day, you understand why you were there in the first place.

So I am planning my work....I will be working my plan. Waiting patiently for the rounds to go by. Walking my way though this life and maybe one day...I will know more of the picture, but for now I am stepping out of my own shadow perfectly willing to fail over and over.

Thank you for reading and your wonderful responses.

Roy

Labor of Love

So, here I am. I have not weighed in 3 weeks (maybe more...not sure.) I am down 2 more pants sizes. I am embarrassed to tell you, but (in the spirit of the blog), my highest pant size was 64. 64 inch waist. How do you get there?...how do you go beyond that? Fear. More on that in a moment... Anyway, now I am in a 48 pant looking at moving into a 46 (the 48s are getting loose) I notice that there is a V shape in my upper body and I am stronger in both quick bursts as well as long tests of endurance. My food plan also continues to evolve. For breakfast, I have started eating steel cut oats with Stevia, Sunflower, Pumpkin, Chia, and Hemp seeds. I eat an egg with egg whites as well. Look up the benefits of these seeds....ancient people ate them in abundance...it is pretty extraordinary what it does for us. I also try to eat a LARGE salad of dark leafy greens and lots of colorful veggies. I still drink a lot of water...distilled when possible. I am also cooking with coconut oil and drinking almond milk in the morning. Whew...that's a lot of change BUT it has been a little bit at a time. As far as exercise goes, I still do my classes but I also bike and work in my garden. I notice that the classes suddenly became easier for me. It was a sudden jump in level after I rested for a bit. My plan now is to be more regular at the classes again, but also continually change things around. The classes are great for me because of the PEOPLE. They mean more to me then they could know. What seems like a passing comment or an inviting attitude to them is a welcoming call to join the human race to me. It is like I have been hibernating in a well meaning but FAR over-protective cocoon for 37 years...and the faces I see on a regular basis are a reminder that there was never a need to hibernate at all.

SO. There we are. Let's talk about where I came from shall we? I came from a loving and kind family. Good good people. Generous to a fault and anyone who knew my mom or dad loved and respected them. My mother could always make anyone feel like they belonged. She was an excellent comforter. My dad has a direct world view. "If someone is sick, you outta help 'em. He doesn't email, text, use a cell phone or ever touch a computer. In fact, when my mom used a computer my dad said "Dorothy is in there playin Bingity-Bong." haha So...you get the picture? It is a comfortable, loving, and kind of isolated. My mom was a worrier. Everything had an element of danger. Food was a source of comfort to us both...but especially me. I have spent my life thus far in a low grade state of anxiety and depression. Luckily, I have found a medication that has helped me but I am convinced that my food issue is rooted in a belief that the "world" is unsafe for me. I can't handle it. Everything from worrying that I worry too much (nice.) to worry that I will never make enough money and be revealed as an impostor. The worry leads to a sense of "why bother" and I hide my shame in food. That shame is magnified when you become overweight and so it goes....on and on. Do you see how someone can be literally immobilized? I am not sure how I did it, but I saw what was happening to me and decided to really change it. What you are watching is the process of change. I think most people have it wrong when the commercialize this "change". You see a "Before" and "After" picture. The "Before" is dismal...the "After"... glorious. I really believe that MY change is rooted in genuine love for the man in the "Before" picture. I don't keep photos of myself fat to "motivate" me. I think that whole thing is bullshit. I am doing all of this for THAT man. The one who is looking to me to save him....from the terrors of his mind, the shame that permeates his life, the extra weight that locks down his dreams. I am doing this because I love that guy. He is a good man. I can tell you this about my life....there IS no "Before" or "After", it is all the same. Yes I plan on becoming smaller. Yes I will be stronger. But I will always have the same heart. The same soul lives in a house of 400 lbs, or 200. It is in service of this piece of eternity that I labor to change. In a way, it is like knowing some part of YOU..is some part of EVERYTHING and therefore, more powerful, and sacred, than any one person can be. So, I put my head down and work very very hard from the change, because I just now realized that I owe it to the man that I was, am, and will always be. Because I am a part of something bigger, more vast. I joined the human race.

Maybe I will see you in a class, walking, biking, or doing whatever you like to do?

I hope so :)

Roy

By the way....

Thank you.

Hello again!

It has been a while.

Today I met my goal of 4500 calories burned and 10,000 steps. I did a lot of strength training and cardio. My meal plan was:

1 eggs 2 egg whites

2 toast

2 veggie sausage

Turkey sandwich

Pot roast.

I am feeling good about everything. I still remain the same number but I notice lots of changes in my body.

Walking with your convictions means continuing to walk long after the new wears off and you are left on a quiet stroll alone. Finding myself in the middle of this, I can say it has given me some great things, but it has also proven to be...less than easy. I slipped into an old lifestyle of eating out. What I thought would be a meal or two became the better part of 2 weeks. So, back to cooking I go ---humbled by the opened door of addiction.

I am told that one must imagine oneself as thin in order to achieve it. Makes sense to me...problem is, I can't seem to do it. See, one of the flaws in my understanding of myself is: "I am an exception" Whatever works for others...will NOT work for me. I cannot lose weight because I am not MEANT to be thin. It is as though there is a PREDETERMINATION of my weight. This, in turn, means that the pain and embarrassment I have experienced my entire life is somehow...deserved? Well, I think that is bullshit. I mean, what have I done to deserve anything less than confidence, good health, strength, and an affirmative view of myself? Nothing. I have done no wrong except live life trying to make sure everyone ELSE is happy. Happy with me, the way I look, play, behave, exercise, eat...it goes on and on. Being a people pleaser has a terrible price--- absence of vision.

People have asked me: "What is your dream?" I have no answer. Now part of the problem is making that question too big...too important. But a larger part has to do with how I have fit into the world. "What is your dream Roy?" ..."I dunno...what do YOU want it to be?" So it is no surprise that I can't imagine myself thin. It would mean people would see me. I would have nothing to hide behind. With weight loss the comfortable fog of anonymity lifts and you are ..exposed. There you are, a person with opinions and everything! hah It is almost like standing for something...having a dream of my own. Making a life on my own terms. No rules...no expectations... Just me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to weigh 200 lbs. The drama of saying I lost 200 pounds is unimaginable to me. But, rather than focusing on that, I am going to focus on cooking, and meeting my daily goals at the gym. I have so so so so many great people around me that the gym is a place I love to go.

I will keep moving forward because they are there. And because I want to have a turn at the wheel of MY life. I want to create something for once that I want...no one else...me.

Thank you again for reading.

Tomorrows plan:

Zumba

Walk/bike

Maybe step

bfast: Fiber one and soy milk with Banana.

Lunch: Roast or Turkey Sandwich

Dinner: Roast or nachos with lean ground beef.

Here's to another day!

I plan to write more often (albeit shorter) to keep myself on track with having a plan.

Thank you so

Roy

Devotion

Maybe I am too attached to this. I mean, I am NOT my weight, but it sure feels like it sometimes. After all, there IS a war on obesity right now.. don't tell them where I live OK? Imagine the scene... a team of white lab-coated dietitians scurrying for cover while I throw lemon bars and fatty meats toward them. I will make it RAIN MILK CHOCOLATE---- MOTHERS! But seriously, I try to dis identify with the number on the scale and I can't. Maybe this is part of the problem.. I can't imagine myself any smaller. I don't have a clue what I would look like or feel like. Sometimes this imagination-block happens in music.
It could be playing a passage over and over with a glitch then discovering that when you sing it...you sing the glitch. In this way, the part of the music that is hanging us up..has made it to our imagination. When you work out the glitch with your voice (free from an external instrument) often when you go back...it plays itself. So in art...imagination is the overlord of reality. It births all known things. Paintings, sounds, dance, buildings...every human endeavor existed as a thought first.
Over-Attachment to music happens too.. It means too much sometimes. It can make me happy or sad. It has too much power. I mean it holds a reverent place in my life, but I am NOT music. I am not my trombone...my piano..my writing. I am separate from all of that and I am USING music to reveal myself...to you...and to me. They call music (and all art) a discipline. Think of a disciple... Why are they devoted? We have free will...so why? Could it be love? Could we want to follow something out of love or reverence? Slide Hampton (Trombone/World Renown composer) talks about why he practices. I remember he said "Music has given me so much, so I practice to give it back"
Pardon my aside with the music example BUT the same principles apply with weight. I am having a hard time imagining myself thinner. So there is my first problem. The second problem has to do with misuse of discipline. I started wanting to move because it made me feel more focused and happy. It made me want to do things...and it helped me get things done. I felt devoted to it because it was changing my life. It wasn't all about my size when I started this time. Somehow, the drive to push myself became less about becoming stronger and faster, and more about "when the hell am I going to lose weight?" I lost sight of why I started out to begin with. I lost my devotion...my discipleship. I want to be thinner...it's true. But more than that, I want to be devoted to my mind...body...my sense of who I am without any labels (talented...funny..sweet..fat..thin..)...devoted to a life that I stumbled upon all by riding my bike with no idea where I might end up.
So I am starting again tomorrow. I am going to go see my friends at the gym. I am going to push...because I can...and that is a miracle. I am going to be happier...and more focused...and I will devote time to the people and the things I love. My wife, friends, animals, the trombone, my garden. I am going to do this because my body will allow it. And because it gives me that...I will give back.

Thank you!

Roy