Labels and the fantasy of isolation.

I have 2 things in my life that I am looking to change. One is "living in my head". The other is a fear of losing my "label"

"Living in my head"

Fantasies are wonderful for escaping reality but they are a poor substitute FOR reality. I am not talking about dreams. Thoughts that represent hope. Not I am talking about those daydreams that take us away from our worry. Like, being able to fly or living far, far away. Those are nice. But sometimes, they can become a darker version of what is. This happens to me. I will think no one likes me or so and so is "just being nice". These "fantasies" trigger compulsions. I will have thoughts of being unloved/unlovable and moments later I am hungry for things that will hurt me. Nutritionally devoid items like sugar. I think I feel this way because, in those moments I feel really alone. So, as I challenge this part of myself I notice how terribly controlled I have been and how powerless it makes me feel.

"Losing my labels"

Talented. Special. Studio musician. Star. There are a lot more. People have said some incredibly nice things to me and about me over the years. But living up to this labels, produces a great deal of stress. I always feel like I will not live up to the title I am given, but I am also terrified to let go of it. I feel like if I don't have that I will....cease to be. Vanish. My mother's memory of me will have been a joke. As I write this I feel a tightness in my chest.
Well, needless to say, I an sick to death of this shit. I mean, who's life have I been living? Who's dream? Kristie has asked me many timed what my dreams were. You know, I never have an answer. Make a CD? Well, that would cool but no. Travel? Not really. What then....the terrifying truth? I don't know. No idea. But here is what I DO know. I want to be free. I must. I am imprisoned by my weight and my debts. I will own them and change them forever. BUT I need help. I need help seeing when I am in a dangerous frame of mind with regard to food and exercise and I need to make extra money to get aggressive as hell with all of my debt.

Next time I think someone hates me I will ask "did I do something wrong?" The answer is invariably NO (because I am such a people pleas-er) yet another quality I see myself changing. Since I have done nothing wrong, the worry stops. There is no action to take.

The label thing...I don't know. I want to play and write music. I really love it...I think. But I guess I have to figure out what is my dream? What does that look like? And why is it so important to have a title?

I am going to lose more weight and get where I want to go.

I will pay off all of my debts including my home in less than 5 years. I will do it by any means necessary.

I am unsure of who I am, but the more I learn, the more I see my father in me..and the more I love both of us.

Thank you for reading!

Roy

Plan Your Work, Work Your Plan.

It is an old saying. It refers to intent and focus. I first heard it referred to by George Foreman. He was telling a group of young boxers that you had to have a game plan and stick to the plan EVEN when you are tempted to fall into the emotion of the moment and look for the knockout. In a way, you aren't trying to overpower the other boxer...you are trying to out-think and outlast them. Not much glory in sticking to a plan that may be about waiting for your opponent to make a mistake or present you with a scoring opportunity...but sometimes that's what has to be done. Sometimes, it isn't a knockout..it is a well played round...

Translated to my life, there are many areas in which there really is no plan. I was never one of those 5 year types. I am still not. BUT, I do think some focus would be helpful to me. Because I know me, I know that the plan needs to be simple. I can get carried away with elaborate, overly complex, and damn near unattainable "goals" or "opportunities for disappointment" hah But I need simple and clear plan.

Let's talk about weight loss goals. 2 things must happen. 1. I must know what I am eating. Know what the nutritional value is. 2. I must move. DONE. Simple. So, I think I am going to join Weight Watchers so that I can track my food and I will continue doing a variety of activities to continue with my journey.

In my business (music) it is slow. It is easy for me to fill in the dead time with a lot of fear. As a matter of fact, as far as I can tell, fear is the most common response. After all, we hear phrases like "starving artist" or "you must suffer for your art" OR "god help me, if I don't get a gig I am gonna wind up bein a LONG HAUL TRUCKER" ....ok that last one was me. So, my plan is simple. When it is slow I will be building skills. I will practice and focus on areas in which there are gaps between my imagination and my playing. I will read... about arranging and composition. I will listen to music.... A LOT. Not just hear it, but REACT to it...maniacal infusions of it FOR NO REASON at all. I will be using it to feel good. When this storm passes...I will be stronger and more in love with it. If these things don't get me through....then they don't..but I do not want to handle this in any other way. Fear causes me to scramble...and make mistakes... It makes me do things that eat up energy and make me sad.

Fear made me fat.

Fear made me stay with an abusive teacher.

Fear made me say yes...when I meant to say hell no.

Fear makes us hide in the shadow of ourselves.

The shadow cast by who we would be IN SPITE OF FEAR.

To me, courage is not always about the big moment when you slay the dragon. Sometimes, it is a plodding trail that you obediently follow rain or shine....step by step until...., one day, you understand why you were there in the first place.

So I am planning my work....I will be working my plan. Waiting patiently for the rounds to go by. Walking my way though this life and maybe one day...I will know more of the picture, but for now I am stepping out of my own shadow perfectly willing to fail over and over.

Thank you for reading and your wonderful responses.

Roy

Labor of Love

So, here I am. I have not weighed in 3 weeks (maybe more...not sure.) I am down 2 more pants sizes. I am embarrassed to tell you, but (in the spirit of the blog), my highest pant size was 64. 64 inch waist. How do you get there?...how do you go beyond that? Fear. More on that in a moment... Anyway, now I am in a 48 pant looking at moving into a 46 (the 48s are getting loose) I notice that there is a V shape in my upper body and I am stronger in both quick bursts as well as long tests of endurance. My food plan also continues to evolve. For breakfast, I have started eating steel cut oats with Stevia, Sunflower, Pumpkin, Chia, and Hemp seeds. I eat an egg with egg whites as well. Look up the benefits of these seeds....ancient people ate them in abundance...it is pretty extraordinary what it does for us. I also try to eat a LARGE salad of dark leafy greens and lots of colorful veggies. I still drink a lot of water...distilled when possible. I am also cooking with coconut oil and drinking almond milk in the morning. Whew...that's a lot of change BUT it has been a little bit at a time. As far as exercise goes, I still do my classes but I also bike and work in my garden. I notice that the classes suddenly became easier for me. It was a sudden jump in level after I rested for a bit. My plan now is to be more regular at the classes again, but also continually change things around. The classes are great for me because of the PEOPLE. They mean more to me then they could know. What seems like a passing comment or an inviting attitude to them is a welcoming call to join the human race to me. It is like I have been hibernating in a well meaning but FAR over-protective cocoon for 37 years...and the faces I see on a regular basis are a reminder that there was never a need to hibernate at all.

SO. There we are. Let's talk about where I came from shall we? I came from a loving and kind family. Good good people. Generous to a fault and anyone who knew my mom or dad loved and respected them. My mother could always make anyone feel like they belonged. She was an excellent comforter. My dad has a direct world view. "If someone is sick, you outta help 'em. He doesn't email, text, use a cell phone or ever touch a computer. In fact, when my mom used a computer my dad said "Dorothy is in there playin Bingity-Bong." haha So...you get the picture? It is a comfortable, loving, and kind of isolated. My mom was a worrier. Everything had an element of danger. Food was a source of comfort to us both...but especially me. I have spent my life thus far in a low grade state of anxiety and depression. Luckily, I have found a medication that has helped me but I am convinced that my food issue is rooted in a belief that the "world" is unsafe for me. I can't handle it. Everything from worrying that I worry too much (nice.) to worry that I will never make enough money and be revealed as an impostor. The worry leads to a sense of "why bother" and I hide my shame in food. That shame is magnified when you become overweight and so it goes....on and on. Do you see how someone can be literally immobilized? I am not sure how I did it, but I saw what was happening to me and decided to really change it. What you are watching is the process of change. I think most people have it wrong when the commercialize this "change". You see a "Before" and "After" picture. The "Before" is dismal...the "After"... glorious. I really believe that MY change is rooted in genuine love for the man in the "Before" picture. I don't keep photos of myself fat to "motivate" me. I think that whole thing is bullshit. I am doing all of this for THAT man. The one who is looking to me to save him....from the terrors of his mind, the shame that permeates his life, the extra weight that locks down his dreams. I am doing this because I love that guy. He is a good man. I can tell you this about my life....there IS no "Before" or "After", it is all the same. Yes I plan on becoming smaller. Yes I will be stronger. But I will always have the same heart. The same soul lives in a house of 400 lbs, or 200. It is in service of this piece of eternity that I labor to change. In a way, it is like knowing some part of YOU..is some part of EVERYTHING and therefore, more powerful, and sacred, than any one person can be. So, I put my head down and work very very hard from the change, because I just now realized that I owe it to the man that I was, am, and will always be. Because I am a part of something bigger, more vast. I joined the human race.

Maybe I will see you in a class, walking, biking, or doing whatever you like to do?

I hope so :)

Roy

By the way....

Thank you.

Hello again!

It has been a while.

Today I met my goal of 4500 calories burned and 10,000 steps. I did a lot of strength training and cardio. My meal plan was:

1 eggs 2 egg whites

2 toast

2 veggie sausage

Turkey sandwich

Pot roast.

I am feeling good about everything. I still remain the same number but I notice lots of changes in my body.

Walking with your convictions means continuing to walk long after the new wears off and you are left on a quiet stroll alone. Finding myself in the middle of this, I can say it has given me some great things, but it has also proven to be...less than easy. I slipped into an old lifestyle of eating out. What I thought would be a meal or two became the better part of 2 weeks. So, back to cooking I go ---humbled by the opened door of addiction.

I am told that one must imagine oneself as thin in order to achieve it. Makes sense to me...problem is, I can't seem to do it. See, one of the flaws in my understanding of myself is: "I am an exception" Whatever works for others...will NOT work for me. I cannot lose weight because I am not MEANT to be thin. It is as though there is a PREDETERMINATION of my weight. This, in turn, means that the pain and embarrassment I have experienced my entire life is somehow...deserved? Well, I think that is bullshit. I mean, what have I done to deserve anything less than confidence, good health, strength, and an affirmative view of myself? Nothing. I have done no wrong except live life trying to make sure everyone ELSE is happy. Happy with me, the way I look, play, behave, exercise, eat...it goes on and on. Being a people pleaser has a terrible price--- absence of vision.

People have asked me: "What is your dream?" I have no answer. Now part of the problem is making that question too big...too important. But a larger part has to do with how I have fit into the world. "What is your dream Roy?" ..."I dunno...what do YOU want it to be?" So it is no surprise that I can't imagine myself thin. It would mean people would see me. I would have nothing to hide behind. With weight loss the comfortable fog of anonymity lifts and you are ..exposed. There you are, a person with opinions and everything! hah It is almost like standing for something...having a dream of my own. Making a life on my own terms. No rules...no expectations... Just me.

I would be lying if I said I didn't want to weigh 200 lbs. The drama of saying I lost 200 pounds is unimaginable to me. But, rather than focusing on that, I am going to focus on cooking, and meeting my daily goals at the gym. I have so so so so many great people around me that the gym is a place I love to go.

I will keep moving forward because they are there. And because I want to have a turn at the wheel of MY life. I want to create something for once that I want...no one else...me.

Thank you again for reading.

Tomorrows plan:

Zumba

Walk/bike

Maybe step

bfast: Fiber one and soy milk with Banana.

Lunch: Roast or Turkey Sandwich

Dinner: Roast or nachos with lean ground beef.

Here's to another day!

I plan to write more often (albeit shorter) to keep myself on track with having a plan.

Thank you so

Roy

Devotion

Maybe I am too attached to this. I mean, I am NOT my weight, but it sure feels like it sometimes. After all, there IS a war on obesity right now.. don't tell them where I live OK? Imagine the scene... a team of white lab-coated dietitians scurrying for cover while I throw lemon bars and fatty meats toward them. I will make it RAIN MILK CHOCOLATE---- MOTHERS! But seriously, I try to dis identify with the number on the scale and I can't. Maybe this is part of the problem.. I can't imagine myself any smaller. I don't have a clue what I would look like or feel like. Sometimes this imagination-block happens in music.
It could be playing a passage over and over with a glitch then discovering that when you sing it...you sing the glitch. In this way, the part of the music that is hanging us up..has made it to our imagination. When you work out the glitch with your voice (free from an external instrument) often when you go back...it plays itself. So in art...imagination is the overlord of reality. It births all known things. Paintings, sounds, dance, buildings...every human endeavor existed as a thought first.
Over-Attachment to music happens too.. It means too much sometimes. It can make me happy or sad. It has too much power. I mean it holds a reverent place in my life, but I am NOT music. I am not my trombone...my piano..my writing. I am separate from all of that and I am USING music to reveal myself...to you...and to me. They call music (and all art) a discipline. Think of a disciple... Why are they devoted? We have free will...so why? Could it be love? Could we want to follow something out of love or reverence? Slide Hampton (Trombone/World Renown composer) talks about why he practices. I remember he said "Music has given me so much, so I practice to give it back"
Pardon my aside with the music example BUT the same principles apply with weight. I am having a hard time imagining myself thinner. So there is my first problem. The second problem has to do with misuse of discipline. I started wanting to move because it made me feel more focused and happy. It made me want to do things...and it helped me get things done. I felt devoted to it because it was changing my life. It wasn't all about my size when I started this time. Somehow, the drive to push myself became less about becoming stronger and faster, and more about "when the hell am I going to lose weight?" I lost sight of why I started out to begin with. I lost my devotion...my discipleship. I want to be thinner...it's true. But more than that, I want to be devoted to my mind...body...my sense of who I am without any labels (talented...funny..sweet..fat..thin..)...devoted to a life that I stumbled upon all by riding my bike with no idea where I might end up.
So I am starting again tomorrow. I am going to go see my friends at the gym. I am going to push...because I can...and that is a miracle. I am going to be happier...and more focused...and I will devote time to the people and the things I love. My wife, friends, animals, the trombone, my garden. I am going to do this because my body will allow it. And because it gives me that...I will give back.

Thank you!

Roy

Food, Weight, and Our World View.

"Your relationship to food is an unexpected path to almost everything. It is doorway, not a wall, an opening, not a closing. All that you believe about love, change, joy and possibility is revealed in how, when and what you eat. The world is on your plate." ---- Geneen Roth

These words ring true as I refocus my commitment to change. For me, all of this experience has been a doorway. It has lead me to discover...or rather..UNcover who I am. Although this is mostly a positive experience, there are times when I have come face to face with my oppressor. It takes many guises...the perfectionist, "Good Time" Roy, depression. It is also a surrogate...for comfort, sensuality, love. As a matter of fact, I had a rough day. I didn't think I played my trombone all that well today. It made me sad...I mean..I love it. I love to play and just want to sound they way I imagine it...but today I didn't. I made it safely to my coffee shop...Ugly Mugs. But in order to make it here, I had to make it through a GAUNTLET of fast food and tons of triggering self-talk/labeling. This would have been a no-brainer in years past. I would have asked Kristie if she wanted to get Mexican food and we would have...I would have damaged my health and the health of someone I love very very much. As I write this, my eyes well up a little...because I know it's true. I have done a lot of damage. All over not being enough. Good enough, talented enough, strong enough, thin enough. Not enough. So there is a stand in--- FOOD...when I really need a hug or some sort of connection/ word of encouragement I just want to eat. I didn't...but god..I wanted to.
Instead of feeding my wife (and myself) more toxic food...I will cook for us. It is not what I WANT to do...but it is what I will do.
Now look, I am telling you this not for sympathy but because I want you to SEE what happens and how connected belief systems/emotions are to weight and food. It is an illustration. This stuff is real. So many people don't believe it. They say "stop eating so much"..."be moderate". It is not ABOUT food. It IS about what we believe to be true about ourselves. And let me tell you something...if what we believe leads us this far off course...it isn't true. If you can't muster the strength to argue with the voices at least look at their heading. Working the problem backwards, I see that I am in a body that is a reflection of my world view. "It isn't safe and you can't handle it" leads to extra weight. "You will never be enough" Leads to toxic behavior.


A doorway, not a wall

I have to believe this is true. Symbolically, I am against a wall. A plateau. No weight loss no matter what I do. Stuck. I suppose we are to keep pressing on the wall..until it gives way.

An opening, not a closing.

This one I actually get. My life before this Epiphany was a closed book. I didn't KNOW it, but it was. I couldn't have made any kind of connection with you if I WANTED to. Life itself was sort of inaccessible to me. Now, even though there are rough times..I have access.

All you believe about Love:

Worthy/not worthy. Love is for skinny people. Love is not for the morbidly obese. The flip side/new way of looking at it is---love is for human beings. We all qualify. Love, affection, sensuality/sexuality, love of what we do...all of it belongs to us.

Change:

Change is too hard. My life will be shorter, but at least I can coast through. New way/ change is not easy..but I get to meet someone I never really knew...me.


Joy:

THIS is the one I THOUGHT I knew! I didn't. Joy is not about laughing all the time. Fact is, we can laugh at tragedy and feel nothing but sadness. Joy is seeing the union of the mundane and the magnificent. It is saying "this is the best day ever" for NO REASON. (and believing it) Seeing something/someone you see everyday and noticing something new. When WE change..the entire world changes with us...because the world is how we perceive it.

POSSIBILITY

What if:

I am already enough

My life JUST started

Weight did not determine what I did

I wasn't controlled

Life was manageable without a crutch

I am like you

We aren't alone?

What would life look like on your own terms? You decide where you go, what you do, how you do it. Would YOUR body change with this new world view? Is your body already there?

:)

Mine is getting there...

Roy

Meant to be??

Will it ever happen for me? Will I EVER really lose weight? I. Don't. Know. I have no way OF knowing. I still weigh the same. Hovering over 300 lbs. This feels impossible. I mean I am working out hard...sometimes once...sometimes twice. I am logging my food. I am changing shape..(I look different) BUT NO WEIGHT LOSS. I know I know...it's probably muscle. Well, I have the thought "A pound of muscle and a pound of fat weigh the same...a POUND". Uggghhhhh If ever I have thought of quitting, now would be the time. Can it be that I am MEANT to be overweight??? Defeated by my own DNA...my own body??


Well...plans remain the same...even with discouragement and a sense of "trying to change the unchangeable" I go. I hate to admit this, but I have heard/hear "You should just accept yourself the way you are...losing weight just means you will gain it back...you aren't moderate...you are going down a road that ends with you becoming BIGGER!" "You need to be really careful...you might have a heart attack" "A guy your size shouldn't jump" " Don't jog..it's too much impact for someone YOUR SIZE" On and on the voices go...opinions...my best interest at heart. At the end of all of these tapes are the old "Ok...well I might as well ENJOY my life." "Let's have a CHEESE PARTY!!!!" But now, there are new voices emerging. Spoken by people I see everyday and now becoming part of my inner dialogue. "You are doing amazing work" "You are an inspiration" "You CAN do it" "You are busting ass" "Just because you are a big guy doesn't mean you can't do it"

The debate rages on in my head...but today, I must admit...the old team has the ball. The cannots are winning today. I am writing you from Rosepepper Cantina where I have ordered chicken fajitas with no butter or oil. I am writing in part to keep myself out of the chips...although it's not really working. I plan on counting (estimating) the calories in this meal...not gonna sweep it under the rug. So this is a slip in real-time...not an "after the event" report but a blow by blow commentary on how scary it is to feel out of control right NOW...but at least I am talking...not just giving up.. (Even if it is in virtual reality) If I can get a foothold on these feelings I will do Nikole's class at 5:30 today.

I really really want to lose this weight. Yes it is a number...but have you ever been told you were uninsurable? Ever been labeled "excessive"? How about a personal fave---"Morbidly Obese"?
God...it sounds like a rancid ball of hot liquid DEATH. These are situations and labels that are ALSO based on a number. I have lived through being "Husky" when I was a kid to "Plus sized" as an adolescent to "Big and Tall" as an adult. I am sick of it. And this is only a SMALL part of why I want to change. The real reasons have to do with living life. Yes disease and death---being labeled...I guess they motivate. BUT, for me, it's all the things I want to experience for the first time that REALLY do it. Death doesn't turn me on....LIFE does.

This is hard. I will continue..but I really need to feel like I am going somewhere. I need it.


Thank you so much..

Roy