If only we could see our lives from the end. Looking backward, I imagine we would take advantage of our time to live deliberately. Would I worry about the same things? What actions would I take to change things...if I change anything at all? And then I wonder what would I tell you from this imaginary death bed? What picture did I paint with the gift of life? Did I join the stylishly disheartened majority? Maybe I went my own way. I wonder if anything ever really changed for me..I mean do I struggle with the same themes in my life...until it is over? Well, allow me to use my imagination as I try to see the life I really want from the perspective of the dying process.

"He was a really good dad." "I mean he always made me laugh and I always knew that he loved me." My daughter speaks with anticipating grief in her voice. "I am going to miss him and I am sad but I also know that I am just like him." "His determination and wit...these are things I inherited from him."

"He inspired me to change...challenged me to really look at myself and deal with whatever controlled me. If there was one thing I know he valued it was being free. He HATED to be controlled. He would challenge anything in his life that attempted to circumvent his free will. I loved that about him...and I love that about me. I remember he took me to the grand canyon when I was 12 or 13 and said "this is what freedom looks like". He said "we are at the bottom but we keep walking until we are at the top." "Don't think about how far away it is...just take the next step" We did manage to climb back out. I was red as the rocks underneath our feet...it was a valuable lesson about sunblock as well.

"He taught me to trust in my gifts. Writing is a classic target for jokes about being a starving artist, but he said your best investment is YOU. In other words, believe in what you have and make it as good as you can and trust that process. There is a reason that you have a talent....and it is not up to us to know, but it IS up to us to use. I flailed around for a long time and thought about giving up, but I stuck it out and now I write."

"I loved that he was always young. Even when he was old you get the sense that he remained a young man. I loved that he nurtured his garden the same way he nurtured me. He wouldn't stop the weeds but he WOULD make sure that the right things grew. He intervened just enough.

Now, stepping out of my fantasy I can say these are things I hope for. I see there are elements that are true about me and I am in the process of applying, what I believe to be my real nature, to the challenges I face. But, right now, I have felt so depressed that nothing I WAS doing holds the same interest. I sleep a lot. I don't feel motivated and I don't trust my body.. I feel a little lost. I was running and had all of that camaraderie and support. I don't right now. The YMCA is still there but I don't go as much...I just don't seem to have it in me. I am afraid of having another heart attack...I miss my OWN parents so much I physically ache sometimes. And I just wish it was all the way it was... I wish I could feel good again. But I guess this is the ride. How to dig out of this hole I am not sure but I know I can't stay. Work is slow and I have too much time to think... I guess my "daughter" is right. Do the next right thing. I just want it all back...

Thanks for reading I am trying to figure this out and I always appreciate your support..

On a positive, I had a great food day...shooting for another tomorrow.

Roy

Hey!

There is no place to begin. The one thing that I struggle with the most is the ONLY thing I have really wanted to change. The part of this that makes me sad is, had anything been different about my heart attack I would no longer be here and yet the predominating thought is...the same as it always has been...when do I get to stop being fat? When I imaging a guy who has faced the possibility of dying...he is answering bigger questions. Who am I...what do I want t do...how can I impact the world. Not me...I wonder when I will be able to make it without going to bed disappointed in myself. I can't really exercise the way I was..I will be able to, but I can't seem to wade through the rehab. I still have 30 more visits before I am officially cleared to resume normal exercise. Then I have a new hole to learn to live with.

You often don't know what someone means until they are gone. You get so used to experiencing their impact that it becomes a cohesive glue that help hold you together. Well, now that my Dad (and both my parents) are gone, I realize, in small bits, what has been lost and how much I looked to them for guidance and approval. They became, and of late especially my dad, a barometer. I was becoming my own person and wanted him to really see it happen. These words make me really really sad because the only way he knew was with this unshakable struggle to find the strength to change. So, they unfortunately knew a son who never quite got where he wanted to go. And so another night falls and with it another surrendered day. Surrendered to not meeting my own birthright...a legacy of my own....a vision. I want to weigh 190 lbs. I want to be strong as hell. I want to know how to fix a few things...a lawn mower or a tiller. I want to be the very best musician I can be instead of trying so hard to hide my shame behind the label of "good" What happens when I risk it and really TRY? I don't know..

But I do know this: I am an addict. I hate saying it...I hate BEING it. I hate that I feel soooo hopeless about my weight...so embarrassed... Even with my own heart scare...it is not death that scares me...it is NOT living. And that is what it steals from me. Life. I can't do it alone and I am panicking (a blind panic as one of my funny character voices may say) Why not me? Why can't I be one of those stories that I want to read?

Ya know, some people have huge inheritance. They get cars, or lots and lots of money...vacation homes..whatever. I got some of that too...my father had saved money so that we could have something (his father left him with bills and daddy did not want that to happen) He accomplished that. But the money and the things are not my real inheritance.

I got tenacity

I got a will --one that bends but never breaks

I got a backbone.

I got knowledge.

I learned how to grow anything I want to eat.

I know what it is to sweat.

I got a fierce sense of

Determination

Ethic

Accountability

I got humor.

I got generosity.

I got compassion

I know how to feel my heart

and listen to my head.

I know how to be quiet.

and

I know how to say

I

Don't

Know.

These things that I received took many years to amass. I wanted nothing from this man but I got all I could ever need. I know in my heart that it is enough to move forward, but easy it isn't. Not sure what my next move is, although it most certainly will involve a major level of determination regarding food. I can tell you this..I am not done. Had I been, we would have all had a grand time at a visitation of my own,,...but we didn't did we? So, I want what I have, and I will be damned if I let something as old and tired as weight hold me down for the rest of my life.

I will be using some of my inheritance to change things.

Stay tuned

Roy

Hi again!

I have been given the gift of a day to do with what I want. There is work to do, and I intend to to work hard on the tasks at hand. But I have a personal goal that I want to achieve today. I am going to run 10 miles. I have mapped it from my house and, although I am not sure I am ready for it, I am going to attempt it.

A lot has been going on with me and for some reason I haven't really wanted to blog about it. I am still stuck with my weight...lower than it has been but a complicated relationship with food has made it difficult to go forward. I watch the people on the biggest loser and I think "I can work that hard" but then the smaller decisions thwart my efforts. I let myself down. What I am learning though is STAYING in that place is about shame. Being ashamed that I am not more.

There are lots and lots of shame triggers for me. It could be people talking about being fat on their wedding day...(I was quite heavy at that time) OR it could be a feeling of being over full. Not playing as well as I want. The same voices trigger...the same feelings. I become a child with no protection. For me, a good test to see if I am in that place is to ask..."how old do I feel right now" If it is below my ACTUAL age ...I am probably being shamed.

Breaking out of it is not my area of expertise. BUT I know that you can't eat your way out of it. "Exercising" it out won't work either. The only thing that I see as helpful is forgiveness and a plan. If I don't do something as well as I could, (whatever it is food..music..interpersonal stuff) it is NOT because I didn't try. More than likely, I have slipped into very old trap. SO, I did my best, I recognize my error...and try again. I am told that a mistake is and opportunity to being again more intelligently. (more informed) A plan is the "more intelligent" part of the equation. There is no reason to repeat the same mistakes over and over UNLESS I let fear keep me from examining my shortcoming. It is easy to do, because a mistake is embarrassing...(after all, I am an exception to human error and if I am flawed then everyone will see that I am a ---fill in your own degrading self talk here.) SO the plan today is to meet a goal of double digits as a runner in preparation for the Country Music Half Marathon, to cook something that is nutritionally sound, practice the trombone (specifically the beauty of sound and flexibility) and write music. Then later, to help others who have decided to push their comfort zones by becoming runners themselves.

As I push, I am rebelling against control. I am free... it IS a human right to be free even though we have robbed others of that right...but then I can't judge because I robbed myself.

Well...I guess I better get started..might take me a while. :)

Thanks for reading!

Roy

Weight is about the empty.

I don't even know where to begin.

How do I tell you I hurt

when pain feels normal?

How can I find home

when I'm used to being lost...

I only know how to do what you have told me

I only know one dance

one song

one sound

A silent cry in a dream

finding my voice has felt

impossible.

All I have had was a sense that something was

missing.

Some part of me knew this was wrong.

A part of me insisted it be different

A thorn that grows through concrete

fueled with boiling rage that I have always known,

for what reason, I have no idea.

You should have set me free.

I know you couldn't.

I just can't be whole.

This is about control. It is about setting myself free. The part of me that knew I was meant to have this freedom pushed me to change. My body is really different than when i started and it was a DECISION. A CHOICE. One of the only choices I have really made thus far in my life. No one told me. I decided I wanted it to be different. I am making it happen.

As my weight loss unfolds, there are a lot of things in my life I want to change. Some of these are easy...some are not. I understand that the power lies on my shoulders to direct my life and this is both scary and liberating. Dealing with confrontation along the way and coming out of denial are 2 very terrifying mileposts on this walk with myself. I am learning to tell people what I think...truly. I am learning to say no... AND say yes...and MEAN it. I am learning to say "this isn't right...how do I make it better?"

Now, what do I mean by not being "whole"? hmmm.. Imagine a hole in the Earth. Now imagine you want to fill the hole so you fill it with water. It works, for a day. When you come back the next day you notice the hole is empty again. the Earth absorbed the water. You try and try and it seems to work, but always leaves the hole empty. The only thing that will REALLY fill it is more Earth. Not water. When you feel incomplete or really really alone, you turn to addiction. And it works, for now. Tomorrow you will feel the hole again. For me, it is food. It has harmed me and caused me great body shame. Hell of a price to pay for something that should be part of us all. Belonging. So, if I don't fill this up with food and people pleasing...what do I fill it with? Love? I get confused there because I equate love with people being pleased with me. No one is mad..I am loved! Well, the honest answer is I don't know. I am in this place where I know what doesn't work but I am unsure about what will. So, I go and learn more about myself and trust that answers will come.

I am keeping points (weight watchers) and I am continuing to exercise. I will not give up even though recent revelations about myself have left me feeling numb and wanting to isolate. The part of me that pushes for a different life is in charge...I will follow it.

I have needed your support and I have gotten it. YOU are a large part of this process for me. Thank you....

Roy

Stand.

My story is not unlike many others...maybe it is a lot like yours. Maybe you felt like you knew who you were. Comfortable. Not perfect but we found a way to make it "work". Settled. Maybe, like me, some of you realized later that you had no idea what was in you. Maybe you got here by pushing yourself....or circumstance...or both. It doesn't matter much how we got here, I think what matters is where would we like to end up. Nature, being at BEST cryptic, has no definitive answer for us. Instead it boils down to a matter of faith. Faith and trust in not only God as we know it, but in who we are ...today...right now. I believe that the mere awareness that were are "awake" is a hint. It tells us that we are not alone. That we have a partnership with something larger than us. And sometimes that "something" wants us to live in accordance with it.

This is where I am. I realize that an issue I have is to live for others. I am a voluntary servant. I swallowed my voice, my needs, my hopes, anger, and personality. I digested all of this along with too much food. I don't want to hurt your feelings. I may lie, hide, downplay inconveniences, search for fulfillment in the wrong places. I will absolutely eat, drink, and laugh my way out of the hole. In this way, all these problems become about "being heavy". That is an easier problem to solve. Diet. Run. Whatever...straightforward. In case you are wondering, yes this is what I did....at first. Along the way though, I have started to realize I am running from all of this shit. Yes I lost weight. I am proud. Yes I am strong. But I am not running anymore. I want to stand and fight for the things I so willingly gave away.

I deserve to feel independent.

to be loved.

to live for me too.

to choose..really choose.

to have a voice

to be ok when someone is disappointed in me.

I do not want to be a wounded child anymore. I don't want to feel like everyone else's guardian. Trying to make the world richer, in part...led to my poverty.

I am sorry for the sadness I have caused. If I did something and you wondered why doesn't he just say no? I really am sorry. I am sorry for the sadness and disappointment that may result from living my truth. But mostly, I am sorry I lost a complete, beautiful man along the way. I am in the business of finding him. Whatever the price I need to feel whole.

My weight will continue to drop. I will be running...going to the Y...eating well...tracking it. I am going to make it to my goal. But I ran as hard as I could in this direction only to look up and see a different world. One that looks beautiful to me..

Thank you for all of your help.

We will talk soon,

Roy

The Prayer

In my heart, there lies a prayer.

More of a song than a spoken plea,

Growing louder

throughout my life

The prayer is about finding my way.

Please guide me.

Take me to the place

I wish to go

Even when I don't know where.

I assumed you didn't hear me,

That I was really alone.

As I surrendered,

Wandered lonely nights

There you were.

Waiting like a patient parent

Waiting

For their babies first step

"Just walk a few steps this way",

"Make your way this direction

You will still wonder where to go

But you will be on your own

Feet".

I am still lost. Really. I spend a good bit of time confused. Especially lately. Nothing really specific, just a sense of "what will happen"? It seems like I have had my head down working on this exercise and diet stuff and all of the sudden I look up and I am different. I am different in every way and I wonder..."How the hell did I get here"? Even though I feel this sort of bewilderment, I feel beauty around me. I feel beautiful...not looking beautiful, that's not what I mean, but rather, I sense a feeling of beauty inside of me.

My mother always said that I was a sunny child. Meaning, I was content and infectious. She said I would start laughing and no one would know what I was laughing at. I was just laughing.

I assumed that I outgrew that person. I was just a kid. I am more mature now. I have struggles..issues...things to lose..things to gain. Bills... And yet recently, I have felt this sunny child re emerge. Just a couple of nights ago I was driving home and I noticed that everything looked so beautiful to me. In the darkness of the night the shadows looked really pretty to me. Then I felt silly...and I started to laugh. Just like my mom said I used to do. So maybe this little boy isn't dead after all. Maybe he had to be unlocked...set free.

This work I have been doing had made me face everything I have been afraid to see. All the issues and the courage to fight has lead me to a previous incarnation of myself. One that is more alive than I imagined I would ever be.

The running and the Y (plus the community of people associated with them) continue to inspire and be a huge part of my life. I can feel that I have lost more weight and am hopeful that it will continue. The experience of this process spills into other areas of my life. Music, personal relationships, how I hold myself. All things grow.

I want to thank you for your continued readership and support. YOU are the reason I have the strength I need.

Roy